Cowboy Bebop: The Funny Sessions
by RySenkari
Summary: (COMPLETE) A parody/satire of the 26 sessions of Cowboy Bebop! Everything not funny made funny! Everything funny made even funnier!
1. Steroid Blues

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, any of the characters, or Major League Baseball. ^_^

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

--- 

Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Star- wha, this isn't Star Trek? *looks at script* Oh… this is Cowboy Bebop. Meh, just start the story.

*Aboard the Bebop* 

"What's for dinner today, Jet?" Spike asked.

"Bell peppers and beef," Jet said.

"Not again," Spike groaned.

"Okay, okay, fine, I went out and ordered pizza," Jet said. "Happy?"  
  
"All right!" Spike yelled, leaping into the air. "But how could you afford pizza?"  
  
"_Don't tell him about breaking into his piggy bank. Don't tell him about breaking into his piggy bank."_

"I broke into your piggy bank," Jet said.

__

"D'oh!"

"What?" Spike yelled angrily. "You used MY money to buy pizza?"  
  
"You were happy we were getting pizza a while ago," Jet said.

"That's before it was my money!" Spike yelled.

"Hypocrite," Jet muttered under his breath.

---

****

SESSION 1- Steroid Blues

--- 

"So, Jet, what bounty are we going after today?" Spike asked. Jet walked over to the Bebop's computer console and pressed a button.

"His name's Asimov," Jet said. "He's in the Earth city of Tijuana. He's been dealing out steroids to little kids."  
  
"What?" Spike yelled. "Doesn't he know what that stuff does to your-"  
  
"He probably doesn't care," Jet said. "He's also been using it himself."  
  
"That stuff nearly killed baseball 70 years ago!" Spike yelled.

"And it'll kill it for good, unless we stop this guy," Jet said.

"Then let's go!" 

The Bebop fired up its thrusters and headed for Earth.

--- 

TIJUANA-

Tijuana was a busy place as this time of day. Children were running around, while adults were…. well, not running around, probably because they were tired or old or something. But that's not important right now. Sitting by a street corner was the vile, evil, sadistic, mean steroid dealer, Asimov.

"You want this?" Asimov said to a teenage boy who had approached him. He was holding up a needle.

  
"What is it?" the boy asked.

"It's the good stuff," Asimov said. "You gotta have it if you wanna hit home runs like Barry Bonds IV!"  
  
"You mean the guy that set the single-season home run record of 922 home runs last year?" the teenage boy asked. "I can really hit like him if I use that?"  


"Of course!" Asimov said. "All the players do it!"  
  
"Wow!" the boy said. "I'll take-"  
  
But at that moment, dust began to circle about on the ground as the Bebop landed right in front of Asimov. The teenage boy ran off in fear.

  
"Hey!" Asimov yelled. "I was about to make a sale!"

The Bebop came to a stop. The door opened. Spike and Jet climbed out.

  
"Stop right there, Asimov," Spike said. "We're not going to let you kill baseball again."  
  
"It was the labor disputes and lack of profit-sharing that nearly killed it last time!" Asimov protested. "Steroids had nothing to do with it!"  
  
Asimov took the needle and jabbed it into his arm. His muscles began to swell up until they were twice their normal size. The pumped-up Asimov flexed his muscles for Spike.

"Try to beat me now!" Asimov said. Spike swung his fist at Asimov. While Asimov was weighed down by his muscles and was way too slow to dodge the punch, it didn't matter, because Spike's fist connected with Asimov's mighty steroid-enhanced muscles.

"I didn't feel a thing!" Asimov laughed. He threw a punch and nailed Spike in the face, knocking him out. 

"Uh, I'll be waiting in the Bebop," Jet said. He climbed into the ship and flew off.

"Looks like your friend has abandoned you!" Asimov said. "Now you die!"  
  
"Wait!" came a feminine voice. A very beautiful woman ran up to Asimov. "Don't kill him!"  


"Why not?" Asimov asked.

"Because I'm your supermodel girlfriend and you have to do everything I say because I'm hot," the woman said.

"Aw…." Asimov sighed. He walked away.

"Are you okay?" the woman said to Spike, shaking him awake. "You got the crap kicked out of you."  
  
Spike woke up.

  
"Unnh…" Spike groaned. "Yeah, I'm about as okay as a guy can be who just got punched by another guy who's on steroids."  
  
"Good!" the woman said.

"Man, you're hot. Are you Asimov's girlfriend?" Spike asked.

"Yes, I am. Sometimes he's not the best boyfriend… like the time he got arrested for DWI, and the time he got arrested for speeding, and the time he got arrested for murder, and the time he got arrested for DWI again, but I still love him," the woman said.

"Crap," Spike said. "You know, your boyfriend's a criminal."  
  
"I know," the woman said.

"He's selling steroids to kids," Spike said.

"I know," the woman said.

"He's a big ugly smelly doo-doo head," Spike said.

  
"I know!" the woman said. "Wait a minute…"  
  
Spike laughed.

  
"You know, you're pretty funny. Who are you?" the woman asked.  
  
"I'm a cowboy," Spike said.

"Like the Sprite commercial 75 years ago?" the woman asked.

"Yes, like the obscure pop culture reference from the 20th century that none of us should remember," Spike said. "I'm a cowboy."  
  
"Like in the Kid Rock song?" the woman asked.

"Yes, like the Kid Rock song," Spike said.

"I want to go to Mars," the woman said.

  
"Why?" Spike asked.

"Because Earth sucks," the woman said.

"Yeah, it does," Spike said. "That's why I live in space."

"Okay, I love you, bye bye," the woman said, running off.  
  
--- 

Meanwhile, in a bar a little ways away…  
  
"What'll you have?" the bartender asked.

  
"I need more steroids," Azimov said.

  
"I think you've had enough," the bartender said.

"HULK MAD! HULK WANT STEROIDS!" Azimov yelled.

"Fine, fine," the bartender said. He reached below the counter and pulled out a box with several needles and bottles of pills. "You know that if you take too much of this stuff, it shrinks your-"  
  
"HULK WANT STEROIDS NOW!" Azimov yelled, taking the needle and injecting himself. His muscles swelled up to twice their normal size. "Much better."

At that moment, the door to the bar was kicked open. A large looking muscle-man walked into the bar.

"I want those steroids! Oh yeeee-ah!" the man yelled. 

"Aren't you Randy Savage?" Asimov asked.

"No, I'm just a muscle-man! Oh yeeee-ah!" the man yelled again. "Gimme those steroids! Oh yeeee-ah!"  


The muscle-man ran at Asimov. Asimov grabbed the man and spun him around, then slammed him through one of the tables in the bar.

  
"That hurt! Oh yeeee-ah!" the man said. He passed out. 

"Idiot," Asimov said. He turned around. "Hey! My steroids are gone!"

--- 

Spike ran from the bar as fast as he could, carrying the box of steroids.

"I'm gonna go dump these in the river!" Spike said. "I'm a sneaky little devil!"  


Spike continued to run from the bar. Asimov ran out of the bar and chased Spike.

  
"Come back here!" Asimov yelled. "I'm gonna kill you!"

Suddenly, a leg came out in front of Spike. It belonged to Asimov's supermodel girlfriend. Spike tripped over her leg and fell to the ground, dropping the box of steroids.

"Sorry, cowboy," the woman said. Asimov grabbed Spike.

"I'm gonna enjoy this," Asimov said.

"Don't kill him!" the woman yelled.

"Don't worry. I'm just gonna beat him up and take his lunch money," Asimov said. And that's just what he said. When he was done, Asimov and his supermodel girlfriend got into their tiny spaceship and blasted off into space, taking the box of steroids with them. Spike stood up, wearily.

  
"Oh no you don't!" Spike yelled. "You're not killing baseball again!"

Spike reached into his pocket and pulled out the one thing Asimov hasn't stolen, his key-chain remote control. He pressed the button, and his space fighter, the Swordfish II appeared. Spike hopped into it and drove off, giving chase after Asimov.

--- 

"Mwahaha!" Azimov laughed. "I'm getting away!"  
  
"Oh Azimov," the woman said. "This is wrong, I know it!"  
  
"What's wrong?" Asimov asked.

  
"Selling steroids to kids! And taking that poor man's lunch money!" the woman yelled.

"Shut up," Asimov said. He began injecting all of the steroids, his muscles getting bigger and bigger.

"What are you doing?" the woman yelled.

  
"I'm going to be the greatest slugger of all time!" Asimov declared.

  
"Not if I can help it!" Spike's voice crackled through the radio in Asimov's space fighter.

"What?" Asimov yelled. He turned his head to see Spike's Swordfish bearing down on him. "Aaaaah!"

Asimov's fighter sped up, trying to lose Spike. However, as we all know, Spike's a much better pilot than Asimov. The Swordfish gained on Asimov's space fighter.

"Stop in the name of bounty hunting!" Spike yelled.

"Noooo!" Asimov yelled.

"Asimov!" the woman yelled.

  
Asimov began taking more and more steroids. His muscles swelled up to fill the space fighter.

"Asimov! Your muscles are squashing me!" the woman said in a muffled voice. Asimov's muscles got bigger and bigger.

"Argh!" Asimov yelled. Asimov's muscles got too big. The tiny space fighter's windows began to crack.

"Now I'll never get to go to Mars," the woman said. "Oh well, at least I didn't die on Earth. It sucks."  
  
The tiny space fighter exploded. Asimov and the woman died instantly in the coldness of space. Although it took Asimov a bit longer because he had big muscles, but rest assured, they both died.

"Crap," Spike said. "I really wanted that bounty. Darn you, steroids!"  


--- 

BACK ON THE BEBOP…

"And he blew up! It was really cool," Spike said.

"But you didn't get the bounty!" Jet said.

"Yeah, that sucks," Spike said. "Hey wait… what about that pizza you ordered?"  
  
"It came while you were in Tijuana, so I had to eat it all," Jet said.

"You took my piggybank money to buy pizza, and then you ate it all," Spike said.

"Yeah, that's about it," Jet said.

"Remind me to kill you," Spike said.

__

See you, space cowboy…

--- 

Jet: Next time, on Cowboy Bebop: The Funny Sessions, we chase a frog smuggler!

Spike: I thought he was a dog smuggler, Jet. 

  
Jet: Nope, a frog smuggler.

  
Spike: This is a parody! The characters don't change! We get a dog!  


Jet: Shut up, Spike. You're acting like a little kid.

  
Spike: I want a dog!

Jet: Just because the episode has "frog" in the title doesn't mean we don't get a dog, Spike.

  
Spike: Huh?  
  
Jet: Next time on Cowboy Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Stray Frog Strut".

Spike: So is it a frog, or a dog?


	2. Stray Frog Strut

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, any of the characters. I also don't own a Welsh Corgi (although I'd like to, because Ein is soooo cute! ^_^)

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

--- 

Spike and Jet sat down at their table and began to eat.

"What's for dinner tonight, Jet?" Spike asked.

  
"Same thing as always. I took money from your piggybank and used it to order food for myself, even though you explicitly told me not too," Jet said.

  
"What?" Spike yelled angrily.

"Bell peppers and beef," Jet said.

  
"Good," Spike said. He turned on the TV.

****

Bigshot- The Show For Bounty Hunters:

Paunch: Hello there, all you bounty hunters! I'm Paunch!

  
Judy: And I'm Judy! Today's bounty is a real catch, isn't he?  
  
Paunch: He certainly is! Today's bounty is Abdul Hakim, a former frog-smuggler turned date dog-snatcher!

Judy: Oooh! He sounds like a real mean guy!

Paunch: He is! And he's got a mean bounty on him! 

Judy: That's right! *puts finger to lips* One meeelion dollars! Er, I mean, um... eight million wulongs!

Paunch: That's right! Anybody that catches this guy is gonna be filthy stinking rich! Just like Judy said I'd have to be to get her to take off her jacket!

  
Judy: Grrr… Pervert! *punches Paunch's lights out*

---

Session 2: Stray Frog Strut

---

"Wow, eight million wulongs," Jet said. 

"If we had eight million wulongs, you wouldn't have to break into my piggybank to buy food," Spike commented.

"So, where is this Abdul-Jabbar guy?" Jet asked.

"Let's see here," Spike said, pressing a button on a computer console and running a search. "It says here that he was last seen on Mars."  
  
"Then let's go!" Jet said.

---

MARS: A CROWDED MARKETPLACE-

Abdul Hakim walked through the streets walking a Welsh Corgi on a leash. He was carrying a suitcase with air holes in it. 

"Bud."

"Weis."  
  
"Er."  
  
"Hey, pipe down in there!" Hakim yelled at the suitcase. The Welsh Corgi barked. "You too, you stupid dog!"  
  
The dog growled at Hakim. A man walked up to him.

"Aw, that's a cute little doggy!" the man said. "Are you selling him?"

"If you have the right price," Hakim said.

"The right price?" the man asked curiously. "Exactly how much is 'the right price'?"

"Five million wulongs," Hakim said.

"Whoa!" the man yelled. "That's highway robbery! No way I'm paying five million wulongs for a dog!"  
  
"Then keep walking," Hakim said.

  
"What'cha got in the suitcase?" the man asked.

"Bud."  
  
"Weis."  
  
"Er."  


"Really? I could sure go for a beer right now," the man said.

"There's no beer in the suitcase," Hakim said. "Just frogs. I'm smuggling, er, transporting them out of Mars."  
  
"Oh," the man said. "They can talk? That's a pretty neat trick. Can I see them?"  
  
"If I open the suitcase, they'll all escape," Hakim said. 

"Can I see the suitcase then? I could look at the frogs through the air holes," the man said.

"Fine," Hakim muttered, handing the man the suitcase. "But whatever you do, don't drop it."  


"Alrighty," the man said. He peered through one of the air holes. Hakim looked at his watch.  
  
"I don't have all day," Hakim said. "Look, just hold my suitcase. I'll be right back."  
  
Hakim walked down the street until he arrived at a pet store. The man carrying the suitcase with the frogs in it followed him.

"What are you following me for?" Hakim asked angrily.

"I was just coming with you so I can find you to give the frogs back when I was done looking at them," the man said. "That's all."  
  
"Fine," Hakim said. A little old lady walked up to the two men.

"What do you want?" the old lady asked.

"I want to sell you this dog," Hakim said, pointing at the Welsh Corgi. The little dog barked.

  
"Really? How much?" the old lady asked.

"Five million wulongs," Hakim said.

"That's too much money to pay for a dog," the old lady said. "Besides, you don't even have the dog."  
  
"Eh?" Hakim said.

"Look," the old lady said, pointing to where the Welsh Corgi was supposed to be. In its place was an open suitcase with several frogs jumping out of it.

  
"Argh!" Hakim yelled. He turned around to see the man that had been looking at the frogs was now running off with Ein in his arms. "Come back here!"  
  
Hakim pushed the old lady down and ran off, chasing the man.

  
"Hey!" the old lady yelled indignantly. "You can't push down an old lady like that!"  
  
"Bud."   
  
"Weis."  
  
"Er."

---

The Swordfish landed in the middle of a crowded city street. The top of the fighter opened, and Spike climbed out.

"I'm here," Spike said. "Now to find Hakim."  
  
Suddenly, two men bolted past Spike. One of them was Hakim.

"That's him!" Spike yelled. He ran after the two men.

---

"I've got the data-dog!" the man carrying the dog yelled. "I've got it! I'm gonna be rich!"  
  
The man ducked around a corner and crawled through a window in one of the buildings. As he did, Hakim barreled past the window the man went through. He could no longer see him.  
  
"Wha?" Hakim said, looking around. "Where did he go?"  
  
Spike ran around the corner and took out his gun.

"Stop right there, Abdul Hakim," Spike said, pointing the gun at Hakim's head. "Where's the dog?"

"I don't have it!" Hakim said. "It was stolen from me!"  
  
"Really?" Spike said. "That's what they all say."  
  
"I swear! This guy stole it from me! You've gotta believe me!" Hakim begged.

  
"Fine," Spike said. "Well then, where are the frogs?"  
  
"Huh?" Hakim said.

  
"Frog smuggling is a crime too," Spike stated. "Give me the frogs and nobody gets hurt."  
  
"The guy that took the data-dog set my frogs free too!" Hakim said.

"Sure he did," Spike said. "And he's got one arm. The one-armed man did it."  
  
"No," Hakim said, "he's got both of his arms."  
  
"Suuuure," Spike said. "You know, I bet all this lying is making you thirsty."  
  
"What?" Hakim said, confused.  
  
"Thirsty for a… Budweiser?" Spike asked.

"What?"  
  
"Bud! Weis! Er!" Spike yelled. "Admit it, you've got the frogs and the dog!"  
  
"Argh!" Hakim yelled, frustrated. He kicked Spike in the groin and ran off it the opposite direction. Spike doubled over.

"Maybe I should be less intimidating in my interrogation methods," Spike said, slowly climbing to his feet. "Well, Hakim's probably telling the truth. Which mean that there's a two-armed dog bandit running around with that data dog. I'd better catch him!"

---

Meanwhile, inside the building that the dog bandit climbed into…

"I oughta be safe in here," the man said, tying the Corgi's leash around his wrist so that the dog couldn't escape. "Now to sell this dog for…"  
  
The man put his pinky to his lips.

  
"Five million wulongs! Mwahaha!" the man said, laughing triuphantly. His laughing was interrupted by a loud bark from the Welsh Corgi.

---

"Eh?" Spike said, hearing the barking from the nearby building. "That must be the data dog!

---

Inside the building…  


"Stop that barking, dog," the man said. "You want that crazy frog smuggler to hear us?"  
  
"Somebody else already did," Spike said, peering through the window that the man had crawled through. "Ya know, that dog doesn't belong to you."  
  
Spike took out his gun and pointed it at the man.

  
"Hey hey, let's not get hasty!" the man said. The Welsh Corgi barked and began to run. "Wha?"  
  
The data-dog ran, dragging the man with him.

  
"Aaaah!" the man yelled as the Welsh Corgi leapt through a window, causing the dog bandit to be slammed into the wall under the window. The man passed out, and the leash tying the man's arm to the dog loosened and fell off.

"Uh oh," Spike said. "The dog's getting away."

---

Meanwhile, Abdul Hakim trudged through the busy city streets, hanging his head down as he walked.

"I can't believe that I managed to let that dog get stolen from me!" Hakim yelled. "Grrr… I'm going to get bloody revenge on the first living creature I see."  
  
Suddenly, the escaped Welsh Corgi bolted past Hakim.

  
"Unless it's the dog!" Hakim yelled. He immediately gave chase.

---

Spike piloted his Swordfish through the streets, hoping to catch up to the dog.

"That dog's fast, and that dog is smart, but he's not faster than this spaceship and he's not smarter than me!" Spike declared. He spotted the dog and Hakim running through the streets. "There they are. I'll catch the smuggler and the dog at the same time. I get to kill two birds with one stone!"  
  
The Swordfish chased Hakim and the dog through the streets.

"You again?" Hakim yelled exasperatingly. He pulled out his gun and fired at the Swordfish. The bullets bounced off, having no effect. "Darn it!"  
  
The Swordfish extended a grabbing arm and grabbed at Hakim. Hakim barely managed to duck out of the way. 

---

Back at the old lady's pet shop, the old lady continued to walk around the shop, looking at her pets.

"Business is slow today," the woman said. Suddenly, the Welsh Corgi darted in front of her. :"Hey!"  
  
Next, Hakim ran after the dog, charging through the store and knocking over several cages.

  
"Be more careful, you rude-"

At that moment, the Swordfish crashed through the shop, crashing through all of the cages.

"No!" the old lady yelled. "I'm ruined!"

Only one cage remained untouched. It was the cage with the three frogs that Hakim carried around in his suitcase.

"Bud."  
  
"Weis."  
  
"Er."  
  
---

The chase continued through the streets until they reached the outskirts of the city and the Mars Bottomless Pit. The dog stopped in front of it.

"Mwahaha! I have you now!" Hakim yelled triumphantly. The Swordfish flew up in front of him.

"No," Spike said. "I have you. Now, are you going to come quietly, or-"  
  
And then, in a Looney Tunes-esque scene, the dog barked loudly. Hakim jumped about ten feet into the air and landed… in the pit.

"Nooooo!" Hakim screamed as he fell to his doom.   
  
"Darn it," Spike said. "You stupid dog. You just lost me eight million wulongs."  
  
The dog barked. Spike picked it up with the Swordfish's grappling arm, opened the top of the Swordfish, and dropped the dog into the ship.

"I think I'll call you Ein," Spike said. "Because that's the number of wulongs that I'm going to have because you just had to go and kill the frog smuggler."  
  
Ein looked at Spike, confused.

"You see, Ein means one. And I'm only going to have one wulong instead of eight million because you killed my bountyhead," Spike explained. "Why am I explaining this to you? You're just a dumb dog anyway."  
  
---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"So instead of eight million wulongs," Spike said, "I've got a dog."  
  
"The dog's worth a lot of money," Jet said. "You could sell it."  
  
"C'mon now, Jet. Seriously, who would want a dumb dog like this?" Spike asked.

  
"I thought it was supposed to be a smart dog," Jet said.

  
"There's no such thing as a smart dog," Spike said.

  
Ein simply winked at the camera.

__

Bud... Weis... Er...

---

Faye: Next time on Bebop, you're going to meet me. I'm the only reason that males watch this series.

  
Jet: Are not.

Faye: Of course I am. 'Cept for those sickos that like Edward for some reason…

  
Spike: Ew.

Faye: Like I said, in this next episode, I meet a cowboy. Actually, he isn't much of a cowboy.   
  
Spike: Why not?  
  
Faye: Cowboys aren't jerks.

  
Spike: WHAT?  
  
Jet: *chuckles* She's got ya there, Spike.

  
Faye: Next episode of Cowboy Bebop: The Funny Sessions… Really Hot Woman. This one's for all the men.

Spike: Yeah, baby, yeah!


	3. Really Hot Woman

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. That includes Faye. (gosh darn it! ^_^) BTW, no matter what I say in this chapter, I love S/F fanfics! I really do! ^_^

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

--- 

AN ARCADE-

A beautiful purple-haired woman was playing at a Tekken machine.

"C'mon, c'mon!" the woman yelled, mashing on the buttons. "Get him!"  
  
One of the characters on the screen (the one NOT controlled by the woman) began to beat the living crap out of the other character.

  
"No!" the woman yelled. "I can't lose!"  
  
A group of three men stepped into the arcade.

"Uh oh," the woman said.

"There she is!" one of the men yelled. "Get her!"  
  
The three men began firing at the woman. The woman pulled out her gun and fired back. The three men fell over, dead.

"Whew," the woman said. "That was a close one."  
  
A gun was pressed at the woman's back.

"You're coming with me, Faye Valentine," said a male voice from behind Faye.

"Crap," Faye muttered.

---

****

Session 3: Really Hot Woman

---

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"Going to a casino is a bad idea, Spike," Jet said.

"Why?" Spike asked.

  
"Gambling is wrong," Jet said. "Very wrong. We could lose everything."  
  
"Aw, you're no fun," Spike whined. "Casinos are the funnest places in the world."  
  
"Funnest isn't a word, Spike," Jet said.

"Shut up," Spike said.

---

Meanwhile, inside the casino's main office, a meeting was taking place.

"Godfather, what is it that you want?" Faye asked. Her hands were cuffed behind her back.

"I want to make you an offer you can't refuse," the godfather said in a raspy voice.

"Ewwww!" Faye yelled. "You kinky pervert!"  


"Not that," the godfather said. "I meant that I want you to do me a favor to pay off all of your gambling debts. And those five arcade machines you smashed up in rage."  
  
"When I lose at video games, I get mad," Faye said.

"We all get mad," the godfather said. "But that's beside the point. Jimmy!"

  
A man walked up behind Faye and removed the handcuffs from her wrists.

"So what kind of favor do you want?" Faye asked, rubbing her wrists.

The godfather showed Faye a picture of a man.

  
"This man is going to come to your table and bet all of his chips," the godfather said.

"So he's an idiot?" Faye asked.

"No!" the godfather yelled. "It's a drop!"  
  
"Oh," Faye said. "By the way, what's his name?"  
  
"Spike Lookalike," the godfather said.

"So what if I don't do this?" Faye asked.

"If you don't do this, then… uh… yousa gonna die. You got that?" the godfather said threateningly.

"Yeah, whatever," Faye said. She turned to leave.

  
"Before you go," the godfather said, snapping his fingers. "Jimmy!"  
  
Jimmy walked up to Faye and handed her a Vanilla Coke.

"Vanilla Coke sucks. Mountain Dew is better," Faye said. Jimmy grabbed her by her shirt collar.

"Don't EVER dis Vanilla Coke," Jimmy said. He dropped Faye rudely onto the ground.

"Hmph," Faye huffed, walking out of the room.

---

IN THE CASINO…

Spike Spiegel walked around the casino, carrying a small bag of chips.

"Hmmm… what game to play," Spike mumbled to himself.

"How about blackjack?" Faye yelled. Spike turned toward her.

"Blackjack?" Spike said. "I never was good at blackjack. That game sucks."  
  
"Wha?" Faye yelled.

"But since you're hot, I'll play blackjack," Spike said. He stared lovingly into Faye's eyes. "Oh man, I think I'm in love."  
  
Faye stared into Spike's eyes.   
  
"I love you too, with all of my being," Faye said. "Let's get married and have kids."  
  
"Okay," Spike said.

Faye and Spike both collapsed to the ground, holding their heads.  
  
"Argh!" they yelled. Slowly, they stumbled to their feet.  
  
"What was that?" Spike asked. "I felt like somebody just hit the reset button in my mind."  
  
"How about blackjack?" Faye yelled. Spike turned toward her.  
  
"Blackjack?" Spike said. "I never was good at blackjack. That game sucks."  
  
"Wha?" Faye yelled.

"But since I'm bored, I'll play blackjack," Spike said. He walked up to the blackjack table and sat down. "I'll bet all of my chips."

Spike bet all of his chips. Faye dealt two cards to Spike and herself.

"Hmmm…" Spike said. "Hit me."  
  
Faye slid a card to Spike. Spike turned the three cards up, revealing a 9, a 2, and a queen.  
  
"What do you know? 21," Spike said.  
  
"No way!" Faye yelled. She gave Spike the chips back, plus more. "Care to try again?"

Spike and Faye played blackjack for about an hour. At one point, Spike had accumulated over a billion wulongs from playing, but soon after, he lost all of it but a single chip.

"One chip left," Spike said.

"Are you going to bet it?" Faye said.

"Nope," Spike said. "I'm gonna keep it."  
  
"Why?" Faye asked.

"Because you want me to bet it," Spike said.

"Um, no, I want you to keep it!" Faye said.

  
"Suuuure you do. Reverse psychocolegy won't work on me," Spike said.

  
"Psychocolegy?" Faye said, balking at Spike's mispronunciation. "But-"  
  
Spike got up from the table.

"Um, if you play that chip, I'll give you a big kiss!" Faye said.

"Ew," Spike groaned. "That's disgusting. Never, ever, in a million years would I EVER kiss you, and ANYONE that thinks I would is just a stupid doo-doo head that spends way too much time locked up in their own room."

"But-"  
  
"BESIDES, YOU WERE CHEATING THE WHOLE GAME AND NOBODY IN THIS CASINO SHOULD PLAY AT YOUR BLACKJACK TABLE!" Spike yelled. "Well, good day to you."  
  
Spike walked off, tossing the chip up and down. Everyone in the casino stared at Faye, giving her dirty looks.

  
"Argh!" Faye yelled.

Spike walked through the casino. Suddenly, he bumped into another man that looked just like him! Both men each dropped their gambling chips.

  
"Oops, sorry," Spike (Spiegel) said.

"It's all right," Spike (Lookalike) said.

  
They each picked up a chip and left the casino.

---

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"I wonder why that cute, beautiful, lovely, nice, intelligent, pretty dealer wanted this chip?" Spike asked, tossing it up and down.

"What'd you say, Spike?" Jet asked. Spike collapsed to the floor again, then got up.

"I said, I wonder why that dealer wanted this chip so much?" Spike asked.

"I dunno, maybe she wanted to gamble it," Jet said.

"Dealers aren't allowed to gamble in their own casinos, Jet," Spike said. "That would be cheating."   
  
Spike looked at the chip.

"This chip property of Gamblor, the Gambling Monster?" Spike said, reading the chip.   
  
"Gamblor?" Jet asked. "The gambling monster feared throughout the universe? Uh oh…"

****

Bigshot: The Show For Bounty Hunters-

Paunch: Today on Bigshot, we've got a great bounty for all you bounty hunters out there!  


Judy: That's right!  
  
Paunch: She's even hotter than you, Judy!  


Judy: Grrr… let's just look at the bounty. 

  
Paunch: Faye Valentine is a wanted criminal! 

Judy: If you bring her in, you get six million wulongs!

Paunch: Wow! That's a lot of bread!

"That looks like that cheating dealer," Spike said. "She's got a bounty on her head."  
  
"I do?" said a voice from behind the couch.

  
"Wha?" Spike said, looking behind the couch to see Faye crouching there. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I love you," Faye said.

  
"I love you too," Spike said.

  
Faye and Spike collapsed onto the ground again, holding their heads. They stood up.

"I came to get that chip!" Faye yelled.

  
"Why?" Spike asked.

"That chip belongs to a guy I owe money too!" Faye yelled. "If I don't get it, he'll kill me!"

"The writing on the chip says it belongs to a guy named Gamblor," Spike said.

"The guy I owe money too owes money to Gamblor!" Faye yelled. "Gamblor wants that chip, and if he doesn't get it, he'll come here to find it!"

"This is crazy," Jet said. "You've got a bounty on you."  
  
"So?" Faye said.

---

  
Five minutes later…

"You can't do this to me!" Faye yelled. She was handcuffed to the ship's toilet.

"Yes, I can," Spike said. "You cheated me out of a billion wulongs, so I'm gonna turn you in and get six million wulongs."  
  
"You cheated yourself!" Faye yelled. "You should have quit betting while you were ahead! You lunkhead!""  


"Oooh, Spike, she called you a lunkhead," Jet said. "Doesn't that hurt your feelings?"  
  
"Not really," Spike said. 

"Look, if you don't uncuff me and give me that chip, Gamblor's gonna come and kill us all!" Faye yelled.

"Gamblor?" Spike said. "That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. If you don't shut up, I'm going to tape your mouth shut."

"Do it! Do it!" Jet cheered.  
  
"Shut up," Faye said. Spike and Jet walked out of the bathroom and closed the door.

"You really think that this Gamblor's gonna come get us?" Spike asked.

  
"No," Jet said. Jet and Spike began laughing.

"What's so funny?" came a voice from behind Jet and Spike. They turned around to see a huge, snarling beast. The beast was eight feet tall and had large, sharp teeth dripping with venom. It had huge hands with mighty claws on them. "So, where's my chip?"

"Aaaah!" Spike and Jet yelled. They ran screaming from the beast.

---

Inside the bathroom, Faye listened to the commotion that was going on outside.

"I told you Gamblor would attack," Faye said, laughing. "Wait a second… after he kills those bozos, he'll come in here! I gotta get out of here!"

  
Faye struggled against the restraints holding her to the chair, but it was of no use.

"Darn," Faye said. "Looks like I'll have to use a Plot Device to get free."  
  
---

Two minutes later, Faye was free of the cuffs.

"That was easy," Faye said. "Now to get out of here."  
  
Faye snuck out of the bathroom and crept away.   
  
---

Elsewhere in the ship, Gamblor was chasing Spike and Jet through the rooms of the Bebop.

"This guy never gives up!" Spike yelled.

  
"We should have listened to the chick," Jet said.

"What do we do?" Spike asked.

  
"I don't know, fire your guns or something," Jet said. Spike turned around and fired a single bullet at Gamblor. It only took one bullet to kill the beast. The once-mighty Gamblor fell to the ground, dead.

"Wow," Spike said. "That guy was a real wimp."

---

  
Meanwhile, in the Bebop's hangar…

Faye ran around, looking at the ships.

"Hmmm… lessee here… gotta find a way to get out of here!"  
  
Faye looked around until she spotted the ship she wanted.

"Bingo!" Faye declared, hopping into the small fighter. She pressed a few buttons and took off, escaping from the Bebop.

---

  
"She's gone!" Spike said, looking in the bathroom where Faye was held. "She escaped!"  
  
"What do we do now?" Jet asked.

"Forget about her, I guess," Spike said.

"You think she'll ever come back?" Jet said.

"No. She's never, ever coming back. I'll bet you 2,000 wulongs we never see her again," Spike said.

"I'll take that bet," Jet said.

__

See you, space cowboy...

---

Spike: On the next episode of Bebop, terrorists plot to blow up Ganymede!

  
Jet: And Faye comes back. 

Spike: No she doesn't.

  
Jet: Yes she does. Look right there.

Spike: *looks at the screenshots for the next episode* Crap, she does.

Jet: Gimme my money.

  
Spike: Fine, fine, you stupid doo-doo head.

Jet: Spike's money… 

Spike: Next episode of Cowboy Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Gateway Truffle".

Jet: Oh, Spike's money… it feels so good on my skin…

Spike: Get a room, you two.


	4. Gateway Truffle

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters.

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

--- 

A RESTAURANT-

Sitting at a large table in the middle of the restaurant was Spike's latest bounty, a tall man surrounded by four beautiful women.

"I'm so lucky," the man said. "Being here with you four beautiful women makes me feel complete!"  


The four women giggled. Suddenly, two men approached the table. It was our favorite bounty hunters, Spike and Jet!

"Okay, you," Spike said. "You're under arrest. Surrender in the name of bounty hunting!"  
  
"That's right," Jet said. "And you lovely ladies are coming with us too."  
  
"No they're not," Spike said. "There's no bounty on them."  
  
"Oh, that's right," Jet said. _"Spike, you're never any fun!"_

"Hey, I'm busy!" the man yelled indignantly. "I'm eating! And flirting!"  
  
"Yeah," one of the women chimed. "Leave us alone."

At that moment, four men wearing mouse costumes burst into the restaurant.

"Wha?" Spike said. The four men took out their guns.

  
"Greenpeace forever!" one of the men shouted. The four men began shooting. Spike and Jet ducked under a table. However, everyone else in the restaurant was too stupid to duck, so they got killed.

  
"Hey!" Jet said. "You Greenpeace bozos just killed those girls! You're gonna pay!"  
  
An old woman stepped into the restaurant, in front of the four men.  
  
"Good job," the old woman said. "Now everyone will fear the mighty Greenpeace!"

  
Spike crawled out from under the table.

  
"There's a big bounty on you," Spike said. "Thirty million wulongs."  
  
"Who are you?" the old woman asked.

"I fight for love and justice! In the name of the Moon, I'll punish you!" Spike declared.

"Uh, wrong protagonist," Jet said.

  
"Sorry," Spike said. "Let's try this again."  
  
Spike pointed a gun at the old lady.

"You Greenpeace losers better back off," Spike said. "Or else!"  


"We'll never surrender!" the men said. "We won't let you capture our mommy!"  
  
"Now now," the old woman said. "They caught me fair and square."  
  
"We'll miss you!" one of the men said.

  
"Don't worry, I'm sure you kids can find a way to rescue me from the mean old bounty hunters," the old woman said.

  
"Yeah yeah, that's what they all say," Jet said. Spike and Jet grabbed the old woman and carried her out of the restaurant.

"You're gonna pay for this!" one of the men yelled. "You'll never defeat Greenpeace!"

---

****

Session 4- Gateway Truffle

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"So what do we do with her now?" Jet asked, pointing to the old lady, who had been tied to a chair.

  
"Turn her in and pick up the thirty million wulong bounty!" Spike said.

"Greenpeace will come for me!" the old lady said. "You'll see!"

---

Meanwhile, outside the Bebop, the space fighter that Faye had stolen was now running on fumes.  
  
"Crap," Faye said. "I need some gas!"  


The fighter slowly drifted through space.

  
"I'm gonna have to board somebody and ask them for gas…" Faye said. "Just great."  
  
The fighter continued drifting… right toward the Bebop.

  
"Uh oh," Faye said. "I'm going to have to ask that lousy bounty hunter for gas. He's gonna be mad…"  


Faye smiled.

"Or maybe he's forgotten all about me by now!" Faye said cheerily. The fighter drifted toward the Bebop.

---

Five minutes later…

"I guess not," Faye said. She was now handcuffed to a pole. "Lousy bounty hunter."  
  
"Ha ha! I caught you!" Spike said triumphantly. He began shuffling through Faye's possesions.

"You leave those alone!" Faye yelled. "I'm warning you!"  
  
"What are you gonna do about it?" Spike asked.

  
"I don't know, but I'm going to do something!" Faye yelled. "I mean it!"  
  
"It's no use," the old lady yelled. "He doesn't listen to threats."  
  
"Darn straight," Jet said. "Spike doesn't buckle to anybody."

"Argh!" Faye yelled in frustration.

---

Meanwhile, back in the Greenpeace space station, the four Greenpeace men were talking to an ISSP official over a computer screen.

"So unless you take the bounty off of our mom's head," one of the men said, "we're gonna take our big frickin' laser and blow up Ganymede!"  
  
"That's right!" another one of the men said.

"Alright, alright," the ISSP guy said. "But you've got to promise not to blow up Ganymede."  
  
"We're not making any promises!" one of the men yelled.

"Aw, c'mon," the ISSP guy said. "Pinky swear?"  
  
"How can we pinky swear over a computer screen?" one of the men asked. "Hmm?"

"Fine, we'll take the bounty off of your mother. Over and out," the ISSP guy said. 

"Bwahaha!" the Greenpeace men laughed.

---

Aboard the Bebop…

"We're about to reach the Ganymede police post," Spike said.   
  
"And get that thirty million wulong reward!" Jet declared. "This is the best day of my life."  


"Really?" Spike asked.

  
"No," Jet said. "But it's up there."  
  
Suddenly, the Bebop's computer screen lit up. An ISSP official appeared on the screen.

"Hey," Spike said. "That must be the guy that's gonna give us the money!"  
  
"Attention, Bebop,' the ISSP guy said, "we understand that you have the leader of Greenpeace on your ship."  
  
"That's right," Spike said.

  
"Well, you see… the bounty has been lifted off of her head," the ISSP guy said. 

"Ha ha ha!" the old lady cackled. "I told you!"  
  
"If you don't let her go now, you'll be wanted for kidnapping," the ISSP guy said. "And that's not a good thing, it's a bad thing!"  


The screen flashed off.

"Crap," Spike said. He untied the old lady. "GET OUT OF HERE!"  
  
"Whatever you say, you whippersnapper you," the old lady said. The Greenpeace ship was docked with the Bebop.

"C'mon, mom!" one of the Greenpeace men said. "Let's go!"  
  
The old lady climbed into the Greenpeace ship. The ship flew away.

"There goes thirty million wulongs," Jet said. "This is the worst day of my life."  
  
"Really?" Spike asked.

"No," Jet said. "But it's up there."  
  
---

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the ship, Faye was still handcuffed to a pole. Ein was eating from a bowl of dog food nearby.

"Hey, you stupid dog," Faye said. "Get over here and free me."  
  
The dog kept eating.

"C'mon," Faye said. "Please?"  
  
The dog kept eating.

"Um… bark bark bark! Woof woof! Arf! Bark bark!" Faye yelled. Ein walked over to Faye and chewed through her handcuffs.

"Bark bark bark! Woof!" Ein said.

  
"Wow, I'm surprised that worked," Faye said. "God bless you, _Worst Case Scenarios Space Travel Handbook_ and your instructions on how to say 'Hello, please chew through my handcuffs.' in dog language!"

Faye ran out of the room.

---

Back on the evil Greenpeace ship…

"Mwahaha!" the old woman cackled. "Now we can proceed with our plans to blow up Ganymede!"

"I thought we promised the ISSP we wouldn't blow up Ganymede," one of the Greenpeace men said. Another of the Greenpeace men slapped him in the head.

"Idiot," the man said. "We were lying."  
  
"Oh," the other man said.

"Now, I put the big frickin' laser in the gate, in case somebody might look for it," the woman said. "Nobody'll find it there!"

---

Meanwhile, in the Bebop's hangar…  
  
"There's my fighter!" Faye said, climbing into it. "Hey, they refueled it for me! How convenient!"  
  
Faye climbed into the small space fighter and began to take off. 

"Hey!" Spike yelled from below. "What do you think you're doing?"

  
"Escaping," Faye said. "And you can't stop me!"

Spike climbed into his Swordfish.

"Oh yeah?" Spike said. "You just try to escape with the Redtail, and we'll see how far you get!"

The Redtail fired up and took off.

"Crap, I thought reverse psychocolegy would work on her," Spike said. "It never does."  
  
The Swordfish fired up its thrusters and took off after the Redtail.

---

Meanwhile, in the gateway, a mushroom was flying on a dragon. Yes, believe it.

"They didn't think I'd look for that laser in here!" the mushroom man yelled. "But I'll find it, or my name isn't King Truffle of Ganymede!"

The dragon roared.

"Be quiet, Flammie," King Truffle yelled. 

The Greenpeace ship lined up behind the dragon.

"We're going to shoot you down!" the old lady yelled. "You can't stop Greenpeace!"

The large ship pursued the dragon. The Swordfish and the Redtail flew between them.

  
"Come back here!" Spike yelled.

"You'll never catch me!" Faye yelled back.

"Hey!" the old lady yelled. "Shoot those kids down too!"  
  
"Kids?" Spike yelled.

The two fighters, the dragon, and the Greenpeace ship looped around the space gate as the big frickin' laser charged its… um, laser.

"Get them!" the old lady yelled. The Greenpeace ship began firing at the dragon and the fighters. Of course, since Greenpeace was the bad guy, they missed. Horribly. Even though they lined up several easy shots in a row, they missed.   
  
"WHY DO WE KEEP MISSING?" the old lady yelled in frustration.

  
"We're trying as hard as we can to hit them!" one of the men shouted. "It's no use!"

The arguing was cut short as the Greenpeace ship crashed into the laser seconds before the laser would have fired.   
  
"Hey!" Spike yelled. "What was that?"  
  
"A ship just crashed into the laser," Faye said. "Idiots."  
  
"Greenpeace has been defeated! Thanks to you two," King Truffle said.

"Actually, they just crashed into the laser," Spike said.

"Hey wait," Faye said. "How the heck can a mushroom guy on a dragon survive in space? And how can we hear him? He doesn't have a radio! And how-"  
  
"I think that you shouldn't worry about that, Faye, and just enjoy yourself," Spike said. He turned to the camera. "That goes for you too."  
  
Spike smiled. King Truffle flew off into the sunset… well, he would have, if there were sunsets in space.

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"So the woman's joining us?" Jet asked, gesturing to Faye.

  
"I guess so," Spike said. Ein barked.

"This place sucks," Faye said.

"You don't have to be here, you know. You still have a big bounty on your head," Spike said.

  
"No, that's fine," Faye said. "That's fine."

__

See you, space cowboy... 

---

Spike: On the next episode of Bebop, I get down and dirty with my rival, Vicious.

Faye: Ew!  
  
Spike: Not like that, Faye. 

Faye: I knew that…

  
Jet: Who's Vicious?  
  
Spike: He's an evil fiend with a mind of pure evil!

Faye: Maybe he's just misunderstood.

  
Spike: Yeah right. Next episode of Cowboy Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Salad of Fallen Angels".

Jet: I like salad.


	5. Salad of Fallen Angels

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters.

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

--- 

The camera panned in to an arena filled with cheering fans. "Across The Nation" played in the background.

  
"And we are here live at Solar System Wrestling Entertainment RAW!" Jim Ross IV yelled. "I'm Jim Ross IV, and I'm here with my partner, the King, Jerry Lawler IV! Tonight, the Syndicate is set to make a huge announcement!"

"That's right!" Jerry Lawler IV said. "And here they come now!"  
  
The NWO theme plays as the members of the Syndicate walked into the wrestling ring at the center of the arena. The Syndicate leader, Mao Yenrai, was with them.

"I want to make an important announcement," Mao said. "You see, a few years ago, Spike Spiegel left the Syndicate."

The crowd booed.

"And I want him back!" Mao shouted. "Because the Syndicate's a much better place when he's here!"  
  
"Spike! Spike! Spike!" the crowd cheered. Suddenly, their cheers were interrupted by the trumpets of "Medal". Vicious walked out to the ring.

"It's Vicious!" Jim Ross IV yelled. "What's he doing here?"

"You suck! You suck! You suck!" the crowd chanted in tune with the music. Vicious crawled into the ring.

"You said you wanted Spike back," Vicious said. "But he walked out! He took his ball and went home!."  
  
"Yeah, but I can always hope, can't I?" Mao asked.

"No," Vicious said, hitting Mao with the Sweet Chin Music. Mao fell to the canvas, unconscious. The other Syndicate members raised Vicious' fist into the air.

"Mah gawd, that sadistic Vicious!" Jim Ross IV yelled.

"I'm the leader of the Syndicate now," Vicious declared as the NWO theme played in the background. The Syndicate members left the ring, leaving Mao spread out on the cnavas.

---

****

Session 5- Salad Of Fallen Angels

---

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"Hey Spike, come over here," Jet said.

"What is it?" Spike asked.

"This guy's got a huge bounty on him," Jet said.

"Bounty?" Faye said, running over to the computer screen. On the screen was the face of Mao Yenrai. "Whoa, look at that bounty!"  
  
"280 million wulongs," Spike said.

"I want that bounty!" Faye yelled. "It's mine! I called it!"  
  
"Hey, I saw it first," Spike said. 

  
"No, I saw it," Jet said. "It's mine.

"We'll play Rock, Paper, Scissors for it," Spike said.

"Fine," Faye said.

Spike, Faye, and Jet pounded their fists against their hands. Faye and Spike picked paper, and Jet picked Rock.

"You're out, Jet," Spike said. Spike and Faye played Rock-Paper-Scissors. Spike picked Paper. Faye picked Scissors.

  
"I win!" Faye squealed in delight. "That bounty is mine!"  
  
Faye pumped her fists as she ran off the ship.

"Crap, there goes 280 million bucks," Spike said. "Oh well, I didn't want to grab Mao anyway."  
  
"Why's that?" Jet asked.

  
"Mao's my friend," Spike said. "We held the SSWE Tag Team Titles 6 times as members of the Syndicate."

"I didn't know you were a pro wrestler," Jet said.

  
"You're learn more about it later," Spike said.

  
"I'd better," Jet muttered.

---

  
Meanwhile, at the Big Wrestling Arena…

Faye drove up to the arena and parked her car. She went inside.

"Hey, do you have a ticket?" the man at the door said.

"I'm with one of the wrestlers," Faye said. "Mao Yenrai."  
  
"Oh," the man said. "Well then, come in."  
  
Faye walked into the arena. She wandered through the halls until she got to Mao Yenrai's locker room.  
  
"This is it," Faye said. "I'm gonna get that bounty! 280 million wulongs!"  
  
Faye walked into the locker room. A chair was facing the wall. A man appeared to be sitting in it. 

"That must be him," Faye said, walking up to the chair. She spun it around. "He's been KOed! I wonder who did that…"  
  
"I did," came a voice from behind Faye. She turned around.

"Who are you?" Faye asked.

"Vicious," the man said. "Now take this!"  
  
Vicious smacked a folding chair over Faye's head. She slumped to the ground, knocked out. The Syndicate members walked into the room, picked up her unconscious body, and walked out with Vicious.

---

Meanwhile, in a gift shop near the arena, two boys were looking at an SSWE magazine.

"Wow, those SSWE Divas are hot!" one of the boys said.

"This magazine rules!" the other boy said. "Let's steal it!"  
  
The two boys started to sneak out of the store. However, they were quickly stopped by the store's owner, a large and very angry woman.

"Hey! You kids can't steal my magazines!" the woman yelled.

"Why, do you like to look at the pretty ladies too?" one of the boys asked.

  
:"WHAT? NO!" the woman yelled. She grabbed one of the boys and bodyslammed him. The other boy ran out of the shop with the magazine. However, he didn't get far before he was grabbed by, you guessed it… Spike. Spike took the magazine and flipped through it. The woman stared at Spike, and gasped.  
  
"Let's get out of here!" the two boys yelled, running away.

"Spike?" the woman said. "Is that you?"  
  
"Wow, Annie, I haven't seen you for a while," Spike said. 

  
"Ever since you walked out on the company," Annie said. "I thought you died or something."  
  
"Nope, I'm still alive!" Spike said. "Sorry I walked out, but I didn't want to job to Vicious. You know that."  
  
"You never wanted to job to anybody, Spike," Annie said. "I left the company soon after you did."  
  
"Why?" Spike asked. "You were the SSWE Women's Champion!"  
  
"Yeah, but it wasn't the same," Annie said. "I remember when the Syndicate was just you, and me, and Mao. Before all of those upstarts from Ruff Enuff joined the company… and before Vicious joined the Syndicate."

"Where is Vicious now?" Spike asked.

"As far as I know, he's still wrestling," Annie said. "He wants to kill you, Spike."  
  
"Why?" Spike asked.

"You were the champ, Spike. Because you didn't job to Vicious, Vicious was never able to win the SSWE Title. Until now," Annie said.

"Vicious is the champ?" Spike asked.

  
"Yeah," Annie said. 

"And he wants to kill me?" Spike said. "Not a work? He actually wants to kill me?"  
  
"That's right," Annie said. "You'd better kill him before he kills you."  
  
"I'll do that," Spike said, leaving the gift shop.

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"I did NOT know you were a wrestler, Spike," Jet said.

"There's a lot of things you don't know about me," Spike said. He turned toward the camera. "That goes for you, too."  
  
"Who ya talkin' too, Spike?" Jet asked.   
  
"Nobody," Spike said, turning around. 

"I can't believe you were a wrestler, Spike," Jet said. "It's all fake and stuff. I don't see why they call it entertainment."  
  
"It's on right now," Spike said. He turned on the TV. 

  
"Oh, come on," Jet said. "I don't want to see this crap."  
  
"Just watch it," Spike said. On the screen was the end of a match between one of the Syndicate members and an extremely fat wrestler.

"This is disgusting," Jet said. "How can that fat guy wrestle?"

"Shut up," Spike said. "I'm trying to watch."  
  
The fat wrestler was about to beat the Syndicate member, when suddenly, Vicious ran in from one side of the screen. He picked up the fat wrestler and hurled him out of the ring. The bell rang, signaling the disqualification of the Syndicate member. Neither Vicious nor the other Syndicate member seemed to care.

"How did that skinny guy pick up the fat guy?" Jet asked. "See, this makes no-"  
  
"Shut up!" Spike hissed. "Vicious is on there! He's gonna say something!"  
  
"Who's Vicious?" Jet asked. "Is he your favorite wrestler?"  
  
"No," Spike asked. "He's the reason I walked out."  
  
"Wha?" Jet stammered. 

  
---

On the screen, Vicious took a microphone. He began to speak.  
  
"Now that you've seen my power," Vicious said, "I have an announcement to make. It's a challenge. But it's not a challenge to anyone in the back."  
  
"Then who's the challenge to?" Jim Ross IV asked.

  
"Be quiet, and maybe you'll hear him!" Jerry Lawler IV said.

"The man that I want to challenge walked out on this company three years ago," Vicious said. "And that man… is Spike Spiegel!"  
  
The crowd cheered.  


"Spike, if you're out there, I want you in a match!" Vicious yelled. "For the Undisputed Title!"

"What?" the crowd chanted.

"And if you don't think that I'm serious," Vicious said.

"What?"  
  
"I have something of yours that, if you don't come, might get… disposed of," Vicious said.

  
"What?"  
  
Vicious snapped his fingers. The other members of the Syndicate walked to the ring… carrying a bound and gagged Faye.

"Whoohoo!" Jerry Lawler IV cheered. "Whoever she is, I'd come for her any day!"

"Pervert," Jim Ross muttered.

"If you don't want your little girlfriend to get another taste of a steel chair," Vicious said.

"What?"

"Then you're going to come down to this ring in time for the main event and face me like a man!" Vicious said. "That's one hour!"  
  
The NWO theme hit. Vicious and the other Syndicate members left the ring, carrying Faye with them.

---

"Whoa, Spike, did you see that?" Jet asked.

  
"I saw it," Spike said.  
  
"What are you gonna do?" Jet asked.

"I'm gonna go fight Vicious," Spike said.

"For the girl?" Jet asked.

  
"No," Spike said. "I'm going to kick Vicious' butt in the ring, IF YA SMELELELELELEL… what Spike… is cooking! Now can you dig that?"  
  
Spike turned to leave. He turned back and put his face right next to Jet's.

"SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" 

---

Back in the Big Wrestling Arena, Vicious was standing in the middle of the ring. The other Syndicate members where standing off to the side. Faye was tied to the turnbuckle with a piece of tape on her mouth.

  
"Where is Spike?" Vicious yelled.

  
"What?"  
  
"He'd better get here soon, or-"  
  
"IF YA SMELELELELELEL…" 

A huge cheer erupted from the crowd.

"WHAT SPIKE… IS COOKING!"

"In The Rain" began playing over the PA System. Spike walked to the ring, carrying his gun.

"Mah gawd, I don't believe it!" Jim Ross IV said. "Mah gawd, Spike Spiegel's back! After three years, he's back! And he's got a gun? What is this?"

The Syndicate members ran at Spike. Spike gave each and every one of them the Rock Bottom. He crawled into the ring to face Vicious.

"Vicious," Spike said, "Spike is back!"  
  
"Good," Vicious said.

"Now, you'd better let that girl go!" Spike yelled. "And Spike means LET THE GIRL GO!"

"Oooh," the crowd said, "Spiky's in love!"  
  
"No, Spike is not in love with Faye, and that's the bottom line, because Spike said so! IF YA SMELELELEL-"  
  
Vicious ran up to Spike and slashed him across the chest.  
  
"Mah gawd, what a cheap shot!" Jim Ross IV yelled. Spike took out his gun and began firing at Vicious. Vicious dodged all of the shots and kicked Spike to the ground. 

"Tap out!" Vicious yelled. He grabbed Spike's ankle and locked in a brutal Ankle Lock. Spike screamed out in pain. "TAP!"  
  
Spike had no choice but to tap out.

__

"I hate wrestling," Faye thought. She got herself free from the turnbuckle and ran out of the arena, unnoticed by Vicious or Spike.

"You lose, Spike," Vicious said. "Mwahahaha!"  
  
"Medal" began playing over the PA System.

  
"You suck! You suck! You suck!" the crowd chanted as Vicious celebrated over the fallen Spike.

---

Meanwhile, the unconscious Spike was dreaming. About wrestling, and Julia. The Syndicate… and Julia. The SSWE Undisputed Title… and Julia. 

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

Spike woke up. He tried to stand, but when he did, he realized that he couldn't move his ankle without a great deal of pain. Okay, "great deal" is a bit of an understatement.

  
"OWWWWW! MY ANKLE!" Spike yelled.

  
"Geez," Faye said as she applied an ice pack to Spike's ankle. "You are a baby."

Faye began singing to herself.

  
"By the way," Spike said in an English accent that perfectly imitated a certain American Idol judge, "your singing is average. Just average. Girl band, yes. American Idol, no."

"Argh!" Faye yelled, stomping down on Spike's ankle. Spike screamed out in pain again.

__

If ya smelelelelelelel...

---

Jet: Next time on Bebop… oh God, Spike, you've sunk to a new low.

Spike: What?  
  
Jet: You're shooting at a guy in a wheelchair.  
  
Faye: Geez, Spike, have some respect.

Spike: I'm not shooting at the wheelchair guy, I'm shooting at the kid standing next to him!

Faye: That's even worse.

Jet: You make me sick.

Spike: Whatever. Next episode of Cowboy Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Sympathy For The Disabled".

Faye: Of which you have none.

  
Spike: Shut up.


	6. Sympathy For The Disabled

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters.

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

--- 

ABOARD THE BEBOP...

Spike ran through the ship.

"Gotta get away," Spike said. "He's after me!"  
  
Spike continued running. Faye grabbed him.

  
"What's your problem?" Faye yelled.

"You gotta get out of here!" Spike said. "He's gonna get us!"  
  
"Who's gonna get us?" Faye asked. "Who's-"  
  
A gunshot rang out through the ship. Faye slumped to the floor, dead.

  
"Faye! Nooo!" Spike yelled. He stared out to see a small boy pointing a gun at him.

"Heh heh heh," the boy chuckled. "I'm gonna get you, Spike Spiegel."  
  
Spike turned and ran in the opposite direction. He bumped into Jet.

  
"Whoa, Spike," Jet said. "What's-"  
  
"GET OUT OF HERE!" Spike yelled. "The Good Guy doll is alive!"  
  
"Good Guy doll?" Jet asked. Another gunshot. Jet collapsed to the ground.

  
"Aaaah!" Spike screamed.  
  
"Mwahaha!" the boy laughed. "You're next, Spike!"

---

"Nooo!" Spike screamed, sitting up in bed. Faye ran into the room.

"What's the matter?" Faye asked.

  
"I had another one of those dreams," Spike said. 

  
"The evil kid again?" Faye asked.

"Yeah," Spike said. "At first, he was just playing a trombone. Now my dreams are more like a bad parody of Child's Play. I can't sleep."  
  
"Man," Faye said. "Sucks to be you."

"Shut up and get out!" Spike yelled angrily.

---

****

Session 6- Sympathy For The Disabled

---

Later that day...

"So, Jet, what's the newest bountyhead we gotta catch?" Spike asked.

"Hey," Faye said. "I call next bountyhead."  
  
"You got the last one," Spike said.

"50,000 wulongs is not a very good bountyhead," Faye said. "That's not very much money at all."  
  
"Especially when you gamble it all away," Spike said. 

"Hey!" Faye yelled. "I didn't gamble it _all _away."  
  
"Oh yeah, I forgot, you left just enough wulongs to buy a drink," Spike said. "And then you got kicked out of the casino for being drunk and unruly."

"Grrrr…." Faye growled. "I'm gonna smack you in the face!"  
  
"Cool it down, you two," Jet said. "You fight like a married couple."  
  
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" Spike and Faye yelled.

"Anyone who thinks Faye and I would EVER get married is an idiot," Spike said.

"That's right," Faye agreed. "A complete idiot."

"Don't you want to hear who the bountyhead is?" Jet asked.

"Fine," Spike groaned. "Who is it?"  
  
"Some gangster named Giraffe," Jet said. "He's worth 5 million wulongs."  
  
"Not bad," Faye said. "He's mine."  
  
"Mine!" Spike yelled.  
  
"Mine!" Faye yelled back. Jet sighed.

"Maybe I oughta get him," Jet muttered to himself. "Faye, you have to stay here. It's Spike's turn to catch the bountyhead."

"Why?" Faye asked. "You don't make the rules."  
  
"I'm the oldest, so I make the rules," Jet said. Spike stuck his tongue out at Faye and ran off. 

---

Meanwhile, Giraffe had just bordered his helicopter and was ready to fly away to… wherever he was ready to fly away to.

"I'm ready to fly away to wherever I'm ready to fly away to," Giraffe told the helicopter pilot. "Let's get out of here!"  
  
The helicopter took off just as Spike ran up to it.

"Hey!" Spike yelled. "Come back!"  
  
Suddenly, a little boy and a man in a wheelchair appeared in the window of a tall building. The boy pointed a gun at the helicopter and fired.

"Mwahaha!" the boy yelled, disappearing from sight with the wheelchair. 

  
"Argh!" Giraffe yelled as the helicopter crashed to the streets below.

  
"OH THE HUMANITY!" Spike yelled. The helicopter crashed next to him.

"Unnh…" the injured Giraffe moaned. Spike ran up to the helicopter.

  
"Hey man, you okay?" Spike asked. "Because, you know, I can't get the bounty money if you're dead…"  
  
"Huh?" Giraffe said.

"I mean, uh, I'm really concerned about you! Please don't die!" Spike yelled.

  
"You gay or something?" Giraffe asked.

"No," Spike said.   
  
"Too bad," Giraffe said.  
  
"Wha?" Spike said.

  
"Uh, nothing," Giraffe said. "Look, I'm gonna die, so take this ring."

"But you can't die! Then I won't get the bounty!" Spike yelled.

"Too bad," Giraffe said. "Oh, by the way, you have to kill my arch nemesis, Zebra. He was responsible for my death, I think."

"Who's Zebra?" Spike asked.

"Oh, you'll know him when you see him. He's a guy in a wheelchair," Giraffe said.

"A guy in a wheelchair? You expect me to kill a defenseless guy in a wheelchair?" Spike yelled.

"It's my dying wish," Giraffe said, "so you have to honor it! So there!"

Giraffe died.  
  
"Oh my God, they killed Giraffe!" Spike yelled. "Darn it! And all I got was this stupid ring."  
  
Spike tried to put it on, but it didn't fit.   
  
"Aw man," Spike said. "This really sucks. And I've got to kill a guy in a wheelchair, and I don't know what the guy did! Well, he was responsible for that Giraffe guy's death… so that means he cost me 5 million wulongs! The guy in the wheelchair is going down!"

---

Meanwhile, inside a bar elsewhere in the city, the small boy that had attacked Giraffe earlier was playing his saxophone. Spike, always the jazz enthusiast, walked into the bar, sat down, and watched the boy play.

"That kid's not bad," Spike said.

  
"Thank you," the boy said. "By the way, my name is Wen. What's yours?"  
  
"Spike Spiegel," Spike said. 

Spike frowned.

__

"Wait… this is that sadistic Chucky doll kid from my dreams," Spike thought. "At least, I think…"

"What's wrong? Wen asked. 

"Nothing," Spike said. "Except that you're a sadistic Chucky doll kid that haunts my dreams!"  
  
"Wha?" the kid said.

  
"Uh… well, uh, er… I… uh…" Spike stammered, trying to find something to say that wouldn't make Wen suspicious.

"You're weird," Wen said.

"You're a murderer!" Spike yelled. "I mean… uh…"  
  
"That does it, I'm outta here," Wen said. He turned and began to leave out the back door, pushing a man in a wheelchair with him.

"Hey," Spike said. "That's the evil wheelchair guy that Giraffe told me to kill! I'm going after him!"  
  
Spike followed the kid and the wheelchair guy out the door.

---

Meanwhile, aboard the Bebop…

"I wish I coulda gone after that bounty," Faye said with a sigh.

"Don't worry," Jet said. "You really didn't miss anything. Spike never catches those big bounties."

"What about that one guy he caught that was worth twelve million wulongs?" Faye asked.

"He never caught anyone that was worth twelve million wulongs," Jet said.

"I _think _I know more about Spike than _you _do," Faye said indignantly.

"No you don't," Jet said. "I've known him for years."

"I _think _I would _know _how long _you've _known Spike," Faye yelled, putting unnecessary emphasis on most of her words.

"Sure," Jet said. "Sure."

---

Wen pushed Zebra and the wheelchair into an abandoned warehouse.

  
"Mwahaha!" Wen cackled. "I'll ambush him here!"  
  
Spike ran into the warehouse, brandishing his gun.

"A dead guy told me to kill the guy in the wheelchair," Spike said.

  
"That's not very nice," Wen said. "He didn't even do anything."  
  
"He killed Giraffe!" Spike yelled. "He cost me five million wulongs!"

"Actually, I killed Giraffe," Wen said.   
  
"What?" Spike yelled. "But you're just a kid!"  
  
"Au contraire," Wen said. "Let me tell you my story. But not now!"

Wen cruelly tossed Zebra and the wheelchair at Spike and ran off. Spike shot at him as he ran, but none of the bullets were able to hit him. Wen fired back, hitting Spike once in the arm.

  
"Gaaah!" Spike said, collapsing to the ground. "I thought the bad guy was the one who was supposed to get shot!"

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"So Giraffe's dead, Zebra's dead, and the kid that killed both of them isn't a kid?" Faye asked. "This is really confusing."  
  
"Yeah," Spike said. "But I got this ring."  
  
Spike showed the ring to Faye.

  
"That's gotta be worth a million wulongs or two," Faye said. "Gimme it!"  
  
"No," Spike said, pulling it away from Faye. "I think I need it to kill the kid-man."  
  
"Why?" Faye asked.

"Because," Spike said.  
  
"You're lying!" Faye yelled.

  
"No way!" Spike said.

  
"Dummy!" 

  
"Stupid jerk-face!"  
  
"Idiot!"  
  
"Butthead!"

"Stupid weenie!"  
  
"Doo-doo head!"

"STOP FIGHTING!" Jet yelled. "I'm gonna put you both in time-out!"

"Sorry," Spike and Faye said.  
  
"Good," Jet said.

  
"I'm gonna go kill Wen now," Spike said.

"Why?" Faye asked.

"I don't know, it'll give me something to do," Spike said as he walked away.

---

Meanwhile, in an abandoned ruin…

"Mwahaha!" Wen cackled. "Now to take over the world with my amazing immortality! Bwahaha!"

"Not so fast, Wen!" Spike yelled. "You are going down!"  
  
"Don't you want to hear why I look like a kid?" Wen asked.

  
"Yeah, sure, I've got time," Spike said.   
  
"Back in 2021, before the Fart Disaster, there were three major scientific groups," Wen explained. "There were regular scientists, there were the crazy and VERY funny scientists that lived below the sea in Sealab **which shows every Sunday on Cartoon Network at 11:45**, and there were the fanboy scientists. Like me. Anyway, in an argument between the Marvel fanboys and the Dragonball Z fanboys, of which I was one of, we were arguing about who would win in a fight between Goku and Superman. To prove that Goku would win, a group of DBZ fanboy scientists created a Goku robot. It had unbelievable destructive power. However, one horrible day, it accidentally farted. The fart destroyed the robot and blew up half of the moon, killing 90% of Earth's population. I inhaled a large quantity of Goku's fart gas, causing me to be immortal."

"And?" Spike asked.

"The only cure for the fart gas is to be shot by a bullet made out of the stone of Giraffe's ring," Wen said. "Wait, I shouldn't have said that."  
  
Spike took out Giraffe's ring and removed the stone. He placed it into his gun.

"Say goodnight, fanboy," Spike said, shooting Wen in the chest. Wen staggered back.

"Darn you!" Wen yelled as his body grew old and turned into dust. The dust blew away.

"I hate kids," Spike said.

__

See you, space cowboy...

---

Spike: On the next episode of Bebop, we meet a woman who really likes rock-and-roll.

  
Faye: And Battlebots!

  
Spike: Yeah, them too.

  
Jet: Y'know, I never liked Battlebots **which comes on every Tuesday at 10 PM**.

Faye: What's a Battlebot?

Spike: I don't know. I'm more concerned about the rock music.

  
Faye: Rock music sucks.   
  
Jet: That's right. Jazz is the only good music.

  
Spike: You got that right. Next time on Cowboy Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Heavy Metal Noise".

Faye: It's robot fighting time!.


	7. Heavy Metal Noise

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own a Battlebot. *cries* I'm gonna build one when I get into college though! Hmmm, maybe I gotta stop rambling in the disclaimer...

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

--- 

Spike Spiegel sat at the counter of a crowded bar.

"Hey, have you seen a guy named Decker?" Spike asked the bartender.

  
"You talkin' about that Battlebot builder who works for the Syndicate on the side as their manager?" the bartender asked.

"Yeah," Spike said.

"That's what everyone else in this bar would like to know. You see, everyone here is a bounty hunter too," the bartender said with a slight chuckle.

"What?" Spike asked. He turned to see at least a hundred other bounty hunters crowded into the bar. "Oh crap."  
  
---

MARS BATTLEBOT ARENA-

Faye sat in the stands near the pit area, watching two Battlebots fight in the Battlebox.

"That Red Dragon guy's supposed to be here," Faye said. "But where is he?"  


Two builders climbed into their respective driving areas, ready to begin the fight. Faye noticed something on one of them.

"Hey!" Faye said. "That big guy has a Red Dragon tattoo!"  
  
Faye ran through the stands and leaped toward the driver's area, running past security staff. She grabbed the big guy around the neck.

"Hey Decker, you're coming with me!" Faye yelled.

"Wha?" the big guy said. "My name's not Decker!"  
  
At the mention of the name "Decker", the other driver, a nerdy-looking man, raised his eyebrow. 

"I'm tellin' ya, I'm not Decker! You've got the wrong guy!" the big guy yelled. The nerdy-looking man ran out of the arena. Faye saw him as he ran off and caught a glimpse of the Red Dragon tattoo on his neck.  
  
"Hey!" Faye yelled. She pulled down the big guy's collar, revealing his tattoo: a tattoo of Barney the Dinosaur. "Sorry!"  
  
Faye chased after Decker as he ran out of the arena. The other bot builders glanced at the big guy.

"What? A lot of guys like Barney!" the big guy protested.

---

****

Session 7- Heavy Metal Noise

---

Faye continued to chase Decker through the arena. Decker hopped into a large, tank-like Battlebot.

  
"Whoa!" Faye yelled. "Look at the size of that thing!" 

The unnaturally large tankbot drived off, leaving Faye in the dust.

"It's fast!" Faye yelled. "Darn it!"  


Faye kicked a nearby Battlebot in anger. A man that had been standing next to it turned to Faye.

"I wouldn't do that," the man said. "Great-Great-Great-Great-Grandson Of Whyachi doesn't like to be kicked."  
  
The huge Battlebot began spinning at a rapid rate of speed. Its huge hammers spun toward Faye.

  
"Yikes!" Faye screamed, running away from the Battlebot.

---

Meanwhile, in the bar…

"Drink, please," Spike said. The bartender handed Spike a large mug. Spike began to drink it.

  
"You like beer too?" asked a woman sitting next to Spike.

"Yeah, I like beer," Spike said. "Who doesn't?"  
  
"I don't know," the woman said. "And frankly, I don't care. Because anyone who doesn't like beer is probably too dumb to have any valid opinions about anything else."  
  
Spike chuckled.

"What's your name?" Spike asked.

"It's V.T.," the woman said. "That's not my real name, though. I don't tell anyone my real name."  
  
"Why not?" Spike asked.

  
"That's how I make all of my money," the woman said. "People try to guess my name, and if they lose, I get their money."  
  
"Oooh! Just like Rumpelstiltskin!" Spike said. "That was my favorite story when I was a kid!"  
  
Spike frowned.   
  
"Er, sorry about that," Spike said. He noticed a large covered box sitting next to V.T. "What's that?"  
  
"This," V.T. said, pulling the cover off of a Battlebot that had been sitting next to her. The bot was a large box with two wheels and two large saws in front. "Its name is Heavy Metal Noise. I found it in an abandoned ruin on Earth. I think someone owned it before the Goku Fart Disaster."  
  
"Hmmm… what's it again?" Spike asked.

  
"It's a Battlebot," V.T. said. 

"What's a Battlebot?" Spike asked.

"It's a robot that people build and use for fighting," V.T. said. "'Cept I didn't build it. I just found it."  
  
"Where'd you find it?" Spike asked.

"Why do you ask so many questions?" V.T. asked.

"I don't know," Spike said.

  
---

Elsewhere in the bar…

"Here ya go!" said an attractive waitress as she handed drinks to a group of rowdy bounty hunters.

"Hey there, babe, you're hot. Wanna be my date?" one of the bounty hunters asked. 

"No!" the waitress yelled.

"C'mon," the bounty hunter said. "I'm all man!"  


"Grrr… if you don't stop, I'm suing you for sexual harassment!" the waitress yelled.

  
"Where do you think this is, America?" the bounty hunter said. The other bounty hunters laughed and slapped the man high-fives. "But seriously, I don't take no for an answer, babe!"  
  
"Then take this!" V.T. said, lunging at the bounty hunter and punching him in the face.   
  
"Oh! My nose!" the bounty hunter yelled, holding his nose. "Get that man!"  
  
"I'm a woman," V.T. said. "An ugly woman, but I'm still a woman! Argh!"  
  
V.T. began knocking out bounty hunters with her fists. Suddenly, she was swarmed by bounty hunters.

"Aaah!" V.T. screamed. "I can beat up 50 bounty-hunters single-handedly, but not 100!"  
  
Spike, sitting at the counter, watched all the action.

"Uh oh," Spike said. "My new friend is in trouble!"

Spike noticed Heavy Metal Noise's controller sitting on the table.

"I don't know how to drive a Battlebot!" Spike yelled. "But now's as good a time as ever to try!"

  
Spike picked up the controller and began driving the Battlebot into the crowd of bounty hunters. The bot quickly mowed down the crowd of rowdy bounty hunters.

  
"That guy's driving a Battlebot!" one of the bounty hunters yelled. "Let's get out of here!"

The screaming bounty hunters ran from the bar, leaving Spike, V.T., the pretty waitress, and the bartender.

"Wow!" the waitress said. "Thank you both for saving me!"  
  
"Well, it was mostly Spike," V.T. said. "Okay, and the Battlebot."  
  
"That's right!" Spike said. "Battlebots rule!"  
  
"I'm glad those bounty hunters are gone," V.T. said. "Bounty hunters are the worst kind of people on Earth. Er, I mean, in the solar system."  
  
"What?" Spike said. "But I'm a bounty hunter!"  
  
V.T. gasped.

"You're a bounty hunter?" V.T. asked. "Sicko."  
  
V.T. grabbed Heavy Metal Noise's controller away from Spike and drove the bot out of the bar.

"Aw," the waitress said. "She just doesn't know you, Spike."  
  
Spike sighed.   
  
"She discriminated against me because I was a bounty hunter," Spike said. "That's sad."

Spike glumly walked out of the bar.

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"I almost had him!" Faye said.

  
"Yeah right," Jet said. "You've had no success catching bounties. None at all."  
  
"Jet's right," Spike said. "You're a really crappy bounty hunter."  
  
"Oh yeah?" Faye said. "Well, uh… so's your mom!"  
  
"That does it!" Spike yelled. He grabbed Faye's arm and bit into it.  
  
"Jet!" Faye yelled. "Spike bit me!"  
  
"Spike, we don't bite in this ship," Jet said. "Now bend over so I can spank you."  
  
"Ha ha!" Faye laughed. "Spike's getting a spankin'!"  
  
"Shut up," Spike said.

---

Meanwhile, in the Battlebot arena…

"Folks, we've reached the semi-finals of our Battlebot middleweight competition!" Bill Dwyer IV said.

"That's right," Tim Green IV said. "In our first semi-final, it's Decker's Red Dragon versus Tony Buchignani IV's Hazard Model 20!"

The two Battlebots drove into the Battlebox. Hazard Model 20 was a wedgebot with a large spinning blade on top. Red Dragon was a Battlebot that looked just like a big red dragon. The fight began. Hazard Model 20's blade impacted Red Dragon's armor shell, ripping a large hole into it.

"Oh man, what incredible damage!" Bill Dwyer IV yelled.

Hazard M20's blade continued slicing up Red Dragon's armor.

"Might I remind you that none of the Hazard bots has ever been defeated!" Tim Green IV noted. "This battle could be over quick!"

"Not if I have anything to say about it," Decker said, chuckling to himself. He pressed a button on his controller. A large flamethrower popped out of Red Dragon's mouth. 

"Hey!" Tony IV yelled. "Flamethrowers are illegal in Battlebots!"  
  
"It's not a flamethrower," Decker said. "Mwahaha!"   
  
The flamethrower turned into a huge mallet. The mallet pounded Hazard M20 flat.

"Mwahaha!" Decker laughed. "My distraction worked!"  
  
"That was a great robot fight!" Bill Dwyer IV said.

  
"Red Dragon will go on to face V.T. and Heavy Metal Noise in the middleweight finals!" Tim Green said.

  
"That oughta be a great robot fight!" Bill Dwyer IV yelled.

  
"Geez, you're saying 'great robot fight' an awful lot now," Tim Green IV said.

"Great robot fight you are, Tim!" Bill Dwyer IV said. "I mean, uh… 'right' you are!"  


---

Spike Spiegel walked into the Mars Battlebot Arena.

  
"This is where the bountyhead's supposed to be," Spike said. "Man, that spanking Jet gave me hurt. When I get back to the Bebop, I'm going to give Faye the biggest kiss I've ever given anyone!"

  
Spike collapsed to the ground. He stood back up.

  
"When I get back to the Bebop, I'm going to hit Faye in the face!" Spike yelled. By now, every Bot builder in the building was looking at him. "I'm just gonna go and find Decker now."

---

"This is a Battlebots Middleweight Division Finals match!" Mark Beiro IV announced. "Introducing the principles first! First, in the blue square. It's a really rockin' bot! It rocks! _Oh, I bet my great-grandfather is rolling in his grave right now... _It's Heavy Metal Noise!"

The audience cheered.

  
"Next, in the red square. It's a big red dragon! A REALLY big red dragon! _Man, I suck at this. _It's... Red Dragon!"  
  
The audience booed.

  
"Oh, come on!" Decker yelled.

"The lights are on, the box is locked, it's 69 years in the distant future robot fighting time!" Bill Dwyer IV announced.

"Future?" Tim Green IV said.

  
"Did I say 69 years in the distant future? I meant present!" Bill Dwyer IV said.

Heavy Metal Noise and Red Dragon drove toward each other. The two saws on Heavy Metal Noise began cutting into Red Dragon's weak armor.

"And it looks like Red Dragon's getting beaten up again!" Bill Dwyer IV said. 

"Yeah, but it had better stay away from Red Dragon's mallet," Tim Green IV said. Suddenly, Red Dragon's powerful mallet pounded into Heavy Metal Noise. "Too late."  
  
The mallet came down again and again, crushing the sawed Battlebot. Heavy Metal Noise's wheels and saws rolled off of its frame.

"No!" V.T. yelled. "I can't lose!"  
  
Heavy Metal Noise, now just a flat box, lay motionless on the Battlebox floor. The ref began counting it out.

  
"10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4!" the ref counted.

"V.T.!" Spike yelled.

"Hey, it's the bounty hunter!" V.T. said. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"3!" the ref counted.

  
"It could be all over for Heavy Metal Noise!" Tim Green IV said.

  
"Ya think?" Bill Dwyer IV said sarcastically.

"2!" the ref counted.

"I'm here for Decker!" Spike yelled. "Not all bounty hunters are bad! I only go after freaks like Decker who are general menaces to society!"  
  
"Really?" V.T. asked. "Maybe you're not so bad after all…"  
  
"1!" the ref counted.

  
"Decker, you're under arrest!" Spike declared. 

  
"Runaway bot!" yelled a voice from behind Decker. Decker turned around… only to see the spinning superheavyweight Great-Great-Great-Great-Grandson Of Whyachi spinning toward him. For Decker, it was too late.   
  
"Eww…" V.T. said. "Poor Decker."  
  
"Darn it!" Spike yelled. "Why do all of my bountyheads always die?"

"Well, since Red Dragon's driver is dead," the ref said, "then Heavy Metal Noise wins by default!"

"Yes!" V.T. yelled triumphantly. "Thanks, Spike!"  
  
"See, bounty hunters aren't so bad after all. By the way, I'd like to guess your name," Spike said, laying a 10,000 wulong bill down. "Your name is… Rumpelstiltskin."  
  
"Nope, you lose," V.T. said, taking the money.   
  
"Crap," Spike said. "I never win anything."  


__

See you, space cowboy...

---

Spike: On the next episode of Bebop, a poser wants to learn my mad fighting skills!  
  
Faye: So are you gonna teach him?  
  
Spike: No.

Jet: That's really mean, Spike.

  
Spike: Too bad. I don't have to share with anybody!

  
Jet: Want me to spank you again?  
  
Spike: I'd rather have Faye do the honors.

  
Faye: Spike, you pervert!

Spike: Next episode, "Waltz For Mars".

  
Jet: I thought we went to Venus.

Spike: We do.

  
Jet: Then why... Aw, forget it.


	8. Waltz for Mars

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own mad karate skillz like Spike's. _

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

--- 

The Bebop crew was aboard a rocket plane headed for Venus. Not Mars, Venus. Also on the plane was a very wimpy and nervous guy.

"Oh man, I'm nervous," the guy said. "Something bad's going to happen! Something bad always happens to me!"

Just then, five masked men jumped up out of their seats and began waving guns.

"This is a hijacking! Everybody-"  
  
The hijackers were immediately surrounded by fifteen angry looking air marshals.

"Nobody's hijacked a plane in 70 years, idiots," one of the air marshals said. "When do you fanatics ever learn?"  
  
"A-hem," Spike said, getting up out of his seat. "I'm the hero of this story! Let me fight the terrorists!"

  
"Hey Spike!" Faye yelled. "You got to fight terrorists last time. It's my turn."

"Oh yeah?" Spike said. "Well-"  
  
"Uh, we've got this one covered," the air marshal said.   
  
"Can I at least show off my mad skills?" Spike asked.

"Fine," the air marshal said.

"Thank you," Spike said. He ran at the terrorists and used his mighty kicka-kung fu on them. "Master, sir, did you just see my MAD SKILLS? I just might be a genius!"  
  
"Whatever," the air marshal said. "I guess you can have the bounty money for them."

  
"Hey, I wanted to fight the terrorists!" Faye yelled.

  
"Too bad," Spike said. "I'm the hero of this story."

---

****

Session 8- Waltz For Mars

---

The rocket plane landed on Venus (not Mars) without further incident.

AT THE SPACEPORT…

Spike got out of the plane, followed by Faye and Jet.

"I wanted to fight the terrorists," Faye said.

"Stop your whining, Faye," Spike said, sliding a credit-card looking device into a machine.

"Congratulations, bounty hunter," the machine said. "Here's your 1.2 million wulong reward. You have mad skills. Have a nice day."

Spike took the card out of the machine.

  
"Good work, Spike," Jet said. "What are you going to spend your money on?"  
  
"I don't know," Spike said.

"Gimme the money!" Faye yelled. "Pwease?"  
  
Faye's eyes turned sparkly and wobbly.

"Uh oh," Spike said. "There's that look of hers."  
  
"Ask her to flash you for the money," Jet said.

  
"Ew," Spike said. "What do you think I am, a pervert?"  
  
"Yeah," Faye said.   
  
"Grrr…" Spike growled, "fine. You can have a third of the money for none of the work."  
  
Spike swiped the card in the machine again, transferring 400,000 wulongs to Faye's account. She ran off.

  
"She's gonna blow that money in some arcade," Jet said.

"If she goes to the arcade, she'd better bring me back a Chuck E. Cheese doll," Spike said.

Suddenly, the same hyper man from the plane ran up to Spike.

"Wow, that was cool!" the man said.

"Yeah, I do have mad skills," Spike said.

  
"Teach me!" the man yelled. "Teach me teach me teach me teach me teach me!"  
  
"No," Spike said. "What do I look like, Teacher Of The Year?"  
  
"Good one," Jet laughed. 

  
Spike frowned at him.

  
"I'll be going now," Jet said, running off.

  
"Please teach me?" the man asked.   
  
"No," Spike said. "I-"  
  
Suddenly, Spike's voice began to sound like Paul Heyman's.

"HEY!" Spike screamed. "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY VOICE? WHAT- SUMMERSLAM, BROCK! THE NEXT BIG THING! HULKAMANIA IS DEAD! SUMMERSLAM!"

"That's a symptom of Venus Sickness," the man said. "I'll give you a pill to cure it if you teach me your mad skills."  
  
"I DON'T WANT TO!" Spike screamed. "SO- SUMMERSLAM, BROCK! SUMMER- FINE, I'LL GIVE YOU KARATE LESSONS! I- THE NEXT BIG THINK! BROCK LESNAR!"

The man gave Spike the pill. Spike swallowed it down.

"Now my throat hurts," Spike said. "Thanks a lot."  
  
"Heh heh," the man said. "By the way, my name's Roco. Meet me at the balcony in an hour, okay? I can't wait to learn those mad skills!"  
  
The man ran off.

  
"What an annoying idiot," Spike said. "I hate him."

---

An hour later, on the balcony…

"Oh boy!" Roco said. "I can't wait to learn those mad skills of yours!"

"Would you stop saying 'mad skills'?" Spike asked.

"Okay," Roco said.

  
"Now, to learn mad skills, you must flow like urine," Spike said.

  
"Urine?" Roco asked.

  
"Er, water. I meant water," Spike said.

"Urine is water," Roco said.

  
"Look, would you stop talking about urine?" Spike asked.

"You're the one who wanted to talk about urine," Roco said.   
  
"STOP TALKING ABOUT URINE!" Spike yelled.

"Whoa, are you mad?" Roco asked.

"NO, THE VENUS SICKNESS IN COMING BACK! GIVE ME ANOTHER- SUMMERSLAM, BROCK! THE NEXT BIG THING!" Spike yelled. Roco gave him another pill. "Thanks."  
  
"No problem," Roco said. "Now-"  
  
Suddenly, gunshots rang out.

"Uh oh," Roco said. "I gotta go!"  
  
"But-" Spike stammered before Roco thrust a small package into his hands.

"Hold that for me!" Roco said. "Bye!"

  
Roco ran off.

  
"He was in a hurry," Spike said. "Wonder what's in this box?"  
  
---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"What's in there?" Jet asked.  
  
"I don't know," Spike said. "Should I open it?"  
  
"Not yet," Jet said. "First, there's some new bountyheads that are here on Venus. Check this out."  
  
Jet brought up a set of pictures on the computer screen.

  
"These four guys aren't worth much," Jet said, "but it's easy money. The guy on top is Pizzaro. He's worth 500,000. The rest are only worth 100,000 each."  
  
Spike recognized one of the men in the pictures.   
  
"Hey," Spike said. "That guy is familiar. What are these guys wanted for?"  
  
Jet brought up another picture on the screen.

  
"They stole this plant," Jet said.

"That looks like marijuana," Spike said.

  
"It's not, Spike! It's grey ash. It's worth over 10 million wulongs. It's used to cure Venus Sickness," Jet said.

Spike opened the box. Inside was the Grey Ash plant.

"Hey Spike!" Jet yelled. "Hey! Hey! Hey! It's the plant! We can sell it and make a ton of money! Where'd you get it, buddy?"  
  
"Back off," Spike said. "I'm holding it for someone."  
  
"Wha?" Jet asked. "But that thing's worth 10 times more than all of those bountyheads put together!"

"I'm using it as bait to catch them," Spike said. "There's a note inside. It says that I should take it to a specific address."  
  
"So?" Jet asked.

"I'm going to take it there. Maybe the guy lives there," Spike said. "He'll be easy to catch."

Spike ran off.

  
"You left the plant!" Jet yelled. "Idiot. Hey, he's gone! I can sell it!"  
  
Ein growled at Jet.

  
"You're guarding the plant?" Jet asked. Ein growled. "Fine."  


---

Back on Venus…

"Crap," Spike said. "I left the plant on the ship. Well, I'd better go to that address anyway."  
  
Spike walked until he got to the address specified on the note. He went inside.

"There's no one in here," Spike said. Suddenly, there was a gun pointed at his head.

  
"Freeze," said a girl's voice from inside the ship. "Don't move!"  
  
"Don't shoot!" Spike yelled. "This must be the wrong address!"  
  
The girl put the gun down.

  
"Wrong address for what?" the girl asked.

"Roco's note," Spike said.

  
"Roco?" the girl asked. "You know where Roco is?"  
  
"You know him?" Spike asked. "By the way, what's your name?"

  
"My name's Stella," the girl said. "What's yours?"  
  
"Spike," Spike said. "By the way, your brother is a dork."  
  
"Don't talk like that about my brother!" Stella yelled. "I may be blind, but I can still kick the crap out of you!"  
  
"You're blind?" Spike asked. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Oh, it's okay," Stella said. "Venus Sickness."  
  
"Venus Sickness makes you blind?" Spike asked. "I thought it made you yell like Paul Heyman."  
  
"That's Venus Sickness D," Stella said. "Venus Sickness B makes you blind. Venus Sickness A makes you grow a tail. And Venus Sickness C is the worst. But only men can get it. You see, it makes your-"  
  
"I understand!" Spike yelled. "You're blind. Okay, I got it. Look, Roco gave me the plant to cure your Venus Sickness, and-"  
  
"Really?" Stella asked. "But that means he doesn't have the plant."  
  
"Yeah," Spike said.

"Then he's in big trouble!" Steel said. "If he doesn't give the boss his plant in 10 minutes, he's gonna die! Oh, Spike, you have to help him!"

"Okay," Spike said. 

"Thank you!" Stella said. "Oh, I could just kiss you!"   
  
Stella leaned over and planted her lips… on the wall.

  
"Your lips are cold," Stella said.   
  
"Um, I'm over here," Spike said.

Stella leaned over again and kissed… a lamp.

"Y'know, why don't you wait until Roco and I bring the grey ash plant here and cure your blindness. Then you can kiss me all you want," Spike said.

"Sounds good," Stella said.

---

Meanwhile, at the Okey-Dokey Corral… yes, Venus does have an Okey-Dokey Corral. Work with me, people!

"Where's the plant, Roco?" Pizzaro asked. "You said you'd get me the plant!"

"I gave it to some guy," Roco said.

"Oh yeah?" Pizzaro said. "Don't EVER press your luck with da family!"  
  
Pizzaro and his two goons took off their human costumes to reveal that they were Whammies. Yes, Press Your Luck Whammies.

"Take this!" Pizzaro the Whammy said, whacking Roco with a mallet. "Get his money!"  
  
The three Whammies began stealing money from Roco's pockets. Spike ran up to them.

  
"Wow," Spike said. "I didn't know Roco was working with the Whammies."  
  
"I didn't know either!" Roco yelled.  
  
"I cannot tell a lie! You lose!" Pizzaro yelled. The two whammy goons took out guns and began firing at Spike.

  
"This is like the ultimate game show nightmare," Spike said, taking out his own gun and killing the two whammies.   
  
"Who would ever hurt a whammy?" Pizzaro sung. "Who would ever want-"  
  
A giant mallet came out of the sky, smashing Pizzaro.

"Ow!" Pizzaro yelled. Then, he died.

  
"Good thing those Whammies always get hurt," Spike said. Suddenly, he noticed Roco lying on the ground in a pool of blood. "Roco! No!"  
  
Spike ran over to him.

  
"Ack," Roco said. "I was hit by a flying bullet."  
  
"Darn those Whammies!" Spike yelled.

"Actually, I think it was one of yours," Roco said. "But that's okay. Just take the plant to my sister, okay? Otherwise, my ghost will always haunt you, pestering you about learning your mad skills!"  
  
Roco coughed once more, then he died.

---

Sometime later, back in Stella's house…

"So, how did the operation go?" Spike asked.

  
"It went great!" Stella said. "My sight's coming back in a few hours! Thanks for bringing me that plant, Spike."  
  
"Don't mention it," Spike said.  
  
"By the way, is Roco here?" Stella asked.

"No," Spike said. "He, uh… he had to go and uh… do something. For a long time."  
  
"I'm blind, but I'm not dumb, Spike," Stella said. "He's dead, isn't he?"  
  
"No," Spike said. "He's off doing something!"  
  
"You're in denial, Spike," Stella said.

  
"No I'm not!" Spike cried, jumping up and down. "He's alive! He's alive! Waaaaah!"

"What a crybaby," Stella said.

__

See you, space cowboy...

---

  
Spike: Next episode of Bebop…

  
Squidward: You meet me, Squidward! La la la la!

Faye: Squidward?  
  
Squidward: That's right!  
  
Jet: Something funny is going on.

  
Spike: Yeah, it is.

  
Squidward: Are you accusing me of binding and gagging Edward and then stuffing her into a closet so that I could be a character on the show?  
  
Spike: No, you're the one that said that.

  
Faye: Now that you mention it…

  
Squidward: Uh, end preview! Next episode of Bebop: The Funny Sessions: "Jamming With Squidward"! Not Edward!

  
Edward: Mmmph!

Jet: What was that?

Squidward: Pipe down in there!


	9. Jamming With Squidward

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own any of the characters in Spongebob. Darn.

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

--- 

__

Who lives in a ship that is flying through space?

Spikebob Squarepants!

The action's so hot that it's in your face!

Spikebob Squarepants!

If bounty hunting be what you wish

Spikebob Squarepants!

Then go to the lake and catch Spike a fish!

Spikebob Squarepants!

Ready? 3...2...1...let's jam!

Spikebob Squarepants!

Spikebob Squarepants!

Spikebob Squarepants!

Spikebob... Squarepants!

---

Out in space...

"I'm feeling bored," a computer voice said. "I'm gonna pull a prank!"  
  
The voice belonged to a huge satellite that was hovering over the Earth. Suddenly, it's laser charged up and it began carving obscene words into the Earth's surface.

"Heh heh heh," the satellite chuckled. 

  
Meanwhile, on Earth…

"Edward is ready to go!" a small girl said, typing furiously at a keyboard. "Let's see what we have here… oooh, a satellite! Edward is gonna hack it!"  
  
Edward pressed a button. The computer voice began to sound through the room.

"Wha?" the computer voice said. "Who are you?"  
  
"Ed is here!" Edward said. "Edward wants to know why you carved those bad words onto the Earth's surface!"  
  
"I'm lonely," the satellite said. "You see, I used to be filled with hundreds of funny astronauts who liked to graffiti the Earth with bad words. But they all died."  
  
"Aw, that's sad," Edward said. "You know, Ed could be your friend!"  
  
"Really?" the satellite said.

  
"I'll call you Enpu!" Edward said. "Because, uh… because I can!"  
  
Suddenly, a sinister sounding laughing came from behind Edward.

  
"Who's that?" Edward asked, turning around to see a tall green squid standing behind her. "Hey!"  
  
"I'm the star of this episode now," the squid said. "Mwahahaha!"

  
Edward screamed.

"This chat's over," Squidward said, cutting off Enpu's connection.

---

****

Session 9- Jamming With Squidward

---

"257 channels and there's nothing on," Faye said, flipping through the channels on the Bebop's TV.

"There usually isn't," Spike said. "I don't know why we even have a TV."  
  
"Don't say that!" Jet said. "Without a TV, I couldn't watch my old Baywatch reruns!"  
  
"You know that everybody that was on that show is dead," Spike said. "Except for David Hasselhoff. He got himself cryogenically frozen somewhere."

Faye switched to channel 185. It appeared to be a news channel. A news anchor was about to read the day's news.

  
"Welcome to Earth News," the anchor said. "All the news on Earth that's fit to read! In today's news, thirty more meteors hit the Earth. Now, for the paranormal news. Earlier today, several obscene words were carved into South America's surface by a satellite that appears to have been hacked into by a leet haxxor."

"Ugh," Faye said. "I can't believe leet speak actually made it into the English language."  
  
"I thought we were speaking Japanese," Spike said.

"We are," Faye said.

"I'm confused," Spike said.

  
"Reporting with his opinion on the satellite hackings is our guest news anchor, Crazy McGee. Crazy?" the anchor said, passing the microphone.

"Eet apeeears that aaaaliens have taken control of theeee Earth's satellites," Crazy said with a Ren Hoek-like accent.

"Aliens?" the news anchor said. "I really don't think-"  
  
"That's right, you don't thiiiink, you VEEDIOT!" Crazy yelled. "Aliiiens are hackiiiing the Earth's satellites, and you are bliiiiind! Bliiiind I tell you! You VEEEEEDIOT!"

Crazy began beating the news anchor with a microphone. The TV broadcast was replaced with a "Please Stand By" message.

"Weird," Faye said. "That satellite is carving dirty words into the Earth's surface."  
  
"Maybe we should stop it," Jet said. 

  
"There's no reason to," Spike said. "No reason at all."  
  
Faye switched the channel on the TV.

****

Bigshot- The Show For Bounty Hunters

Paunch: Hello, all you bounty hunters out there!

Judy: Today, we've got a big bounty for you to catch!

Paunch: That's right!

Judy: It appears that a hacker is using one of the Earth's decommissioned satellites to carve obscenities into the Earth's surface!

Paunch: And that's bad!  


Judy: If you can catch this obscene prankster, you get 15 million wulongs!

Paunch: That's a lot of (bleep) bread!

Judy: Paunch, have you been reading the Earth's surface again?  
  
Paunch: I guess I have!

Judy: Bad Paunch! Bad!

---

"Okay, I'm convinced," Spike said. "Let's go to Earth."

---

Meanwhile…

"Glad that's over," Squidward said, locking the closet door. "Now I can be a Cowboy Bebop character loved by millions, instead of a Spongebob Squarepants character loved by hundreds of thousands!"  
  
Squidward cackled evilly. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"Who could that be?" Squidward asked. He opened the door to see two cops.

"We've gotten reports that the hacker lives here," one of the cops said.

"His name is Radical Edward," the other cop said. "He's been carving profanities into the Earth's surface."

"Nope, he's not here," Squidward said.

"Are you sure?" one of the cops asked.

"We need to search the premises," the other cop said. "Starting with the closet."  
  
"You can't search the closet!" Squidward said.   
  
"And why not?" the cop asked.

"Because, uh… it's contimated with anthrax!" Squidward said.

"Oh my," one of the cops said. "Anthrax?"  
  
"Let's get out of here," the other cop said. "Poor guy. You do know anthrax is fatal, don't you?"  
  
"Yeah," Squidward said. "Goodbye."  
  
Squidward closed the door.

"Whew," Squidward sighed. "That was close."  
  
A banging noise came from the closet.

  
"Would you pipe down in there?" Squidward yelled. He noticed Edward's computer sitting on a table. "Hmmm… wonder what I can do with this?"

---

Meanwhile, in the village…

"Have you seen the hacker?" Jet asked a man that was standing next to a bar.

  
"No," the man said, "but I heard he's dangerous. He's twenty feet tall, and he eats children. His name is Radical Edward."  
  
"Oh my goodness," Jet said. 

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"He's dangerous!" Jet said. "He eats children!"  
  
"I don't think that Edward's that dangerous," Spike said. "I think that guy was lying to you."  
  
"Hey Jet," Faye said, staring at a box sitting by Jet. "what's that?"  
  
"It's some food I brought back from Earth," Jet said. "I don't know what it is, but I wouldn't eat it if I were you. Nothing good ever comes from Earth."  
  
"Just because Goku farted on it 50 years ago doesn't mean you have to be racist toward it," Spike said, eating the food in the box. "Wait, you're right, this food is nasty."  
  
"I told you," Jet said. "Now you're gonna get some kind of disease from it."  
  
"Ha ha," Faye laughed. "Spike's gonna get a disease!"

"Shut up," Spike said. Suddenly, the computer on the Bebop flashed on.  
  
"Hey," Faye said. "Who is that?"  
  
Squidward's face appeared on the computer screen.

  
"Uh, hello?" Squidward said. "Anybody here?"

"Hey you!" Jet yelled. "You hacked into our ship!"  
  
"I didn't mean to," Squidward said. 

"You must be the hacker," Spike said. "So, you hacker… why did you carve cuss words into the Earth?"  
  
"I didn't do anything!" Squidward protested.  
  
"He's right," the computer voice said. "I did."  
  
"Hey, you," Squidward said. "Shut up."  
  
"Why don't you stop shoving people into closets, you impostor!" the computer yelled.

  
"What are you talking about?" Faye asked.

"That does it," Spike said. "I'm coming down there and arresting you in the name of the Moon. I mean, in the name of half the moon, since the other half got blown up. I mean, in the name of bounty hunting. Yeah, that's it."  
  
"No, you can't come down here!" Squidward yelled.

"Now we have to come down there," Faye said. 

"No!" Squidward yelled. The computer screen shut off.

"Something funny's going on," Spike said. "And I'm getting to the bottom of it."  
  
"Good for you, Spike!" Jet said. 

"Let's go," Faye said.

---

On Earth, in front of Edward's house…

"Hello?" Spike said, knocking on the door. "I know you're in there, hacker."

"He's not a hacker," Faye said. "He's a demented otaku with smelly feet."  
  
"He's a HACKER," Spike said.

"What's the difference?" Jet asked.

"Everything!" Spike and Faye yelled. The door opened.

  
"Uh, hello," Squidward said. "Welcome to my humble home. Notice how there's nothing strange going on here at all."  
  
"We'll be the judge of that," Spike said as he, Faye, and Jet walked into the house. Several pieces of furniture were piled up in front of the closet.

  
"What's in there?" Faye asked, pointing to the closet.

"Anthrax," Squidward said. 

"Oh," Faye said. Spike, Faye, and Jet began looking around.

"This is the computer he used to hack with!" Spike said. He picked it up. "We'll need this as evidence!"  
  
"No!" Squidward yelled. "I'm not a hacker!"  


"He's an impostor," came a voice from the computer. "Please put me down."  
  
"A talking computer," Spike said. "What'll they think of next?"  
  
Spike set the computer down.  
  
"Tell us everything," Spike said.

  
"Let me start at the beginning!" the computer said. "You see, Squidward doesn't really-"  
  
"Shut up, you stupid computer!" Squidward yelled.

  
"Why don't you shut up?" Faye said. 

"That would be good," Jet added.  
  
"Whatever the computer says, it's lying!" Squidward yelled. "It's an evil lying computer thing!"  
  
"No, Squidward," the computer said. "You're the liar."  
  
"La la la, I can't hear you," Squidward yelled, covering his ears. "La la la la-"  
  
The pieces of furniture that were piled up near the closet began falling down. 

  
"Aaah!" Squidward screamed.

"Is there an earthquake going on?" Jet asked.

"Sounds like there's something in that closet besides anthrax," Faye said. 

"No!" Squidward said. "It's just, uh…"  
  
The closet door flew open. The bound and gagged Edward fell out.

"Well well well," Spike said. "You're one of those child abductor sickos."  
  
"No!!!" Squidward yelled. "Let me explain!

  
Edward broke free from her bonds and jumped on Squidward's head.

"You're mean to Edward!" Edward yelled, gnawing on Squidward's head.

"You see, Edward lives here," the computer said. "So Squidward shoved her in a closet and took her place. I saw everything."  
  
"Oh," Faye said. "That explains a lot."  
  
"Take this!" Edward yelled, punting Squidward out into space. "Yay! Victory for Edward!"  
  
"Uh… hi," Spike said. "My name's Spike. And you must be the famous hacker Radical Edward."  
  
"Uh-huh!" Edward said. "My name is Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivuruski the 4th!"

"Whoa," Jet said. "Long name."  
  
"Can I join you guys?" Edward asked. "Please?"  
  
"No," Spike said. "I hate kids."  
  
Edward's eyes got all wobbly and shimmery. She stared at Spike.

  
"Ugh," Spike said. "It's that look. Fine, you can join Bebop."  
  
"Yay!" Edward yelled. "Bebop! Bebop!"

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"There's three things I hate," Spike said. "Kids…"  
  
Edward smiled.

"Dogs."  
  
Ein barked.

"And women with attitudes."  
  
"WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT REMARK?" Faye yelled.

"Nothing," Spike said. 

"I'M GONNA KISS YOU, SPIKE SPIEGEL!" Faye screamed.

"Don't you mean, 'kill'?" Jet said.

"Oh yeah. What did I say before?" Faye asked.

"Never mind," Jet said.

__

See you, space cowboy...

---

Jet: Next time on Bebop, I actually get some decent screen time.

Faye: God, this episode's gonna be boring.

  
Jet: Shut up! I'm the star, and that's the bottom line, because Jet said so!

  
Spike: Hey, that's my line.

Jet: Shut up! Everyone has to shut up, because the next episode is all about me! Next episode of Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Jet Is The Star"!

Faye: Couldn't you come up with a better episode name than that?  
  
Jet: Shut up!


	10. Jet Is The Star

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. And yes, I like Jet a wee bit less than I like the other characters of Cowboy Bebop. (Sorry, Jet fans!)

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

--- 

ABOARD THE BEBOP...

"When we turn in those bountyheads on Ganymede, we're gonna get a ton of cash!" Faye said.

"No, I'm getting a ton of cash," Spike said.

"But I caught one of them!" Faye yelled.

  
"Too bad," Spike said. "I'm the hero of this little adventure, so I get all the credit."  
  
"Naughty naughty, Spike-person!" Edward said. "Faye-Faye deserves half of the cash!"

"See," Faye said. "I get half of the cash."  
  
"Whatever," Spike said.

"Why do we have to go back to Ganymede?" Jet asked, sitting by the window. "I hate Ganymede."  
  
"And why is that?" Faye asked.

"Because… uh… well…" Jet stammered.

"Lemme guess. You have three really attractive older sisters, and you left Ganymede promising to become the best bounty hunter ever, right?" Spike asked.

"Or maybe you were banished from Ganymede because you boom de gasser and crashed the boss' heyblibber?" Faye asked.

"No," Jet said. "You see-"  
  
"Oh," Spike said. "I get it now."  
  
"Jet's got a girlfriend!" Faye teased.

  
"No, Jet doesn't have a girlfriend. Not anymore," Jet said.

  
"Did she break up with Jet-person?" Edward asked. "Edward is sorry!"  
  
"It's none of your business!" Jet yelled.

"Wow, Jet-person is grumpy today!" Edward said.

"We're about to land on Ganymede," Spike said. "Everyone fasten your seatbelts."  
  
---

****

Session 10- Jet Is The Star

---

On Ganymede…

"There ya go," Spike said, handing Faye her money card. "500,000 wulongs."  
  
"Is that all?" Faye asked. "That's barely enough to lounge by the beach in my bikini for the day."  
  
"Well, that'll keep everyone else happy," Spike said, chucking.

"You pervert!" Faye yelled, smacking Spike across the face.

  
"Hey!" Edward yelled. "Faye-Faye and Spike-person shouldn't fight! Don't make Edward mad!"  
  
"Now now, Edward," Faye said, "you just run along like a good little girl."  
  
Edward growled and began nibbling on Faye's leg.

"Ow!" Faye yelled. "What are you, an animal?"  
  
Jet laughed.

  
"Well, I'm going to visit my old girlfriend," Jet said.

"I thought you and her broke up," Spike said.

"Yeah, but she's hot. Maybe I can get back with her," Jet said.

"You go, Jet-person!" Edward cheered.

"Yeah," Faye said. "You go."  
  
Faye rubbed her leg where Edward had bitten her.

  
"Ow!" Faye yelled. "That still hurts!"  
  
---

Jet walked around town, searching for the place he knew his girlfriend would be.

"Alisa, here I come!" Jet declared. "Jet, the Master of Love, is comin' back for ya, baby!"

Jet walked up to a small establishment with a sign that said "Alisa's Bar" on it.  
  
"This is the place!" Jet said. He walked inside.

---

The bar was packed with people. Jet walked up to the bar and sat down.

"Hello there," said the woman at the counter. "How may I help- Jet?"  
  
"Alisa!" Jet said. "I've come back!"  
  
"I don't believe it," Alisa said. "A restraining order is permanent, you know. Forever?"  
  
"You took out a restraining order against me?" Jet asked.

"Well, actually, I didn't want to," Alisa said. "But you see… my new boyfriend made me."  
  
"New boyfriend?" Jet asked.

  
"Yeah," Alisa said. "His name is Rhint. He's a sweet guy, but he's real overprotective, you know?"  
  
"Rhint, huh?" Jet asked.

"Yeah," Alisa said. "You'd better get out of here."  
  
"Why?" Jet asked.

"If Rhint saw you here, he'd kill you," Alisa said. "I told you, he's overprotective."  
  
"Where is he?" Jet asked. "I could punch him."  
  
"I don't think so," Alisa said.

"I'm a cop!" Jet said. "I can punch anyone I want!"

"Cop?" everyone in the bar yelled almost simultaneously. "Let's get out of here!"  
  
The patrons in the bar ran off, leaving Alisa and Jet alone in the bar.

  
"Crap," Alisa said. "You scared away my customers."  
  
"Sorry," Jet said. 

  
Alisa took out a gun and pointed it at Jet's face.

"Get out. I will shoot you!" Alisa yelled.

"It's not even loaded," Jet said.

  
"How did you know?" Alisa asked.

"Well, actually, I just guessed," Jet said. "But I'm really good at guessing!"

"What if this gun _was _loaded?" Alisa asked.

"You wouldn't shoot me," Jet said. "I'm a cop!"  


"Get out," Alisa said.

"Fine," Jet said, leaving the bar. 

---

Meanwhile, on the beach, Faye was lounging on a chair in her bikini while Ed was playing in the sand.

  
"This is the life," Faye said. "Except for all the oglers. And the people trying to look down my top."  
  
Faye looked up and noticed five men ogling her and two trying to look down her top. With one sweeping hand motion, Faye slapped them all in the face. The perverted men walked away.

"Faye-Faye's really popular!" Edward said.

  
"Yeah, well, if you try to look more like a girl, in a few years, you'll be popular too!" Faye said.

"Really?" Edward asked.

  
"Sure," Faye said. "Now let me get to sleep."   
  
Faye looked up again. Four men were ogling her and four more were trying to look down her top. Faye slapped them all.

"Perverts," Faye said.

---

Meanwhile, near the bridge close to the bar…

"My life sucks," Jet said, smoking a cigarette. "I wish I had some excuse to arrest that Rhint guy. But first, he would have to commit some sort of crime."  
  
Jet sighed again.

"Like that'll ever happen. The way Alisa talks about him, he's Mr. Perfect. A little overprotective, but other than that, he's Mr. Perfect," Jet said.

---

Meanwhile, under the bridge…

"You'd better give me my money!" A mean looking man yelled. He was yelling at a man who looked young and scraggly. Standing next to him was Jet's former girlfriend, Alisa. "Rhint, you owe me ten million wulongs!"  
  
"No I don't," Rhint said. "You must be mistaken."  
  
"That's right!" Alisa said. "You can't talk to Rhint like that!"  
  
"Oh, really?" the man said. "Well then… I'll just have to kill you!"  
  
The man took out a gun and pointed it at Alisa.  
  
"Alisa!" Rhint yelled. Rhint took out his own gun. "If you want to shoot my girlfriend, you've got another thing coming!"  
  
Rhint shot the loan shark in the chest. The loan shark fell over, dead.

  
"Rhint!" Alisa yelled. "You killed him!"  
  
"He was gonna kill you first," Rhint said. "We've gotta get out of here!"

"No," Alisa said. "You have to stay and face the music!"  
  
"No I don't," Rhint said, pushing Alisa into a space fighter. "C'mon, let's go!"  


Rhint turned the key in the ignition. The cruiser sped out over the water.

"Help me!" Alisa yelled.

---

"Hey," Jet said. "Somebody just shot another guy!"   


Jet stopped to think.

  
"And somebody just cried for help! That sounded like Alisa!" 

  
Jet gasped.

"Alisa's being kidnapped! Or worse! I've gotta save her!" Jet yelled. He hopped into a nearby police patrol cruiser and took off after Rhint's cruiser.

---

Rhint looked back.

"Crap, the cops are after us," Rhint said.

"Hey, that's Jet!" Alisa yelled. "Jet, save me!"  
  
"Shut up!" Rhint yelled.

Jet's police cruiser raced after Rhint's cruiser.

"Hey," Jet said, squinting his eyes. "Rhint's in there too!"  
  
Jet quickly put two and two together.

"Rhint shot a guy, and then he took off with Alisa!" Jet said. "Well, nobody escapes from the Black Dog! I'm coming, Alisa!"  
  
Jet took out a can of spinach and opened it up.

"I'll save you!" Jet yelled. He poured the spinach into his mouth and gobbled it up.

"Save me, Jet!" Alisa yelled.

Jet's police cruiser chased Rhint's cruiser around the water.

"Darn it!" Rhint yelled. He turned around and fired his gun at Jet. Jet swerved around, dodging the bullets.

  
"Rhint, you're going down!" Jet yelled. He pulled his police cruiser alongside Rhint's. "You're under arrest!"  
  
"You'll never take me alive, you donut-stuffing pig!" Rhint yelled. However, the split second he had taken to insult Jet was about to prove fatal. Rhint's cruiser crashed up on the beach.

"Uh oh," Jet said. "That's not good."  
  
Alisa crawled out of the smoldering wreckage of Rhint's cruiser.

"Jet!" Alisa yelled.

"I'm coming, Alisa!" Jet yelled back, turning his cruiser around and heading toward the beach.

---

Some time later…

Rhint was being dragged into a police paddy wagon.

"Well, he's going up the river for a long time!" Jet said.

"I don't want Rhint to go to jail!" Alisa said.

  
"Wha?" Jet stammered, puzzled.

"I still love Rhint," Alisa said.

"But I thought you wanted me to save you," Jet said.

"That's just because I'm scared of drowning," Alisa said. "I just wanted you to bring me back to dry land."  
  
"But-" Jet stammered. Alisa pointed her gun at him.

  
"Go away," Alisa said.

"That gun doesn't have any bullets," Jet said. "I-"  
  
Alisa shot Jet in the foot.  
  
"OWWWWW!" Jet yelled.

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP...

"So she hates you again?" Spike asked.

"Yeah," Jet said, his injured foot submerged in ice water. "I'm just not lucky with love."  
  
"Faye-Faye's lucky!" Edward said. "A hundred guys walked up to her today!"

"It's not like that," Faye said. "They were perverts who just wanted to ogle me and look down my top!"  
  
"I'm mad at you, Faye," Jet said.

"Look what you did, Edward," Faye said.

"Faye-Faye and Jet are fighting!" Edward said, giggling.

__

He's Jet-eye, the boring bounty hunter...

---

Edward: THE HORROR! THE HORROR!  
  
Faye: *screams*

Spike: Wha?  
  
Jet: Spike, it's after us!

Spike: What's after us?  
  
Faye: That! *points*

Spike: I don't see any- waaaah! 

Faye: N-n-n-n-next time on B-b-bebop: The F-f-f-funny Sessions, "Smoking In The Toy's Room!"

Edward: THE HORROR!


	11. Smokin' In The Toys' Room

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. This episode happens to be one big anti-smoking ad. You've been warned.

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

--- 

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"I win again," Faye said. "Give me your pants."  
  
Jet sighed.

  
"This is the last time I ever play strip poker with you," Jet said, taking off his pants. "The rewards may be great, but I never ever win."

Jet was left standing in only his underwear.

"Wanna play again?" Faye asked. "Wait, don't. For all our sakes."  
  
"Faye's got that right," Spike said.

"Not funny," Jet said.  
  
"Hee hee, Faye-Faye won!" Edward said, rocking back and forth in her chair.

"That does it," Jet grumbled. "I'm going to the laundry room to get my other clothes."  
  
"You'd better," Faye said. "I'm about to vomit."  
  
"Shut up!" Jet yelled. Spike, Faye, and Ed laughed at him. Even Ein laughed. And Ein's a dog. It's funny because, y'know, dogs don't laugh. You get it? Huh? Dogs don't laugh! Ha ha ha! Ha- Okay, I'll stop now.

---

In the laundry room…

Jet grumbled as he searched for his spare clothes.

"I can't believe she always beats me at strip poker," Jet grumbled. "Every single time. It's not fair."

Finally, Jet found his spare clothes. He grabbed them out of the hamper and put them on.

"Geez," Jet said. "I need a cigarette."  
  
Jet reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He began smoking one.

"Ah," Jet said. "This is the life."  
  
"Yes it is," came an evil-sounding voice from behind Jet.

  
"Wha?" Jet said, turning around. "Aaaah!"

---

****

Session 11- Smokin' In The Toys' Room

---

"What was that?" Faye yelled.

"I don't know," Spike said. "Best not to worry about it."  
  
"It sounded like Jet-person!" Edward said. "And he was screaming like a girl!"  
  
"Really?" Faye said. "This I gotta see!"  
  
Spike, Faye, and Edward ran to the source of the screaming.

"Oh no!" Edward gasped.

Jet was lying on the floor, unconscious.

  
"Whoa," Spike said. "What got to him?"  
  
Faye lifted his head and saw two bite marks on his neck.

"Looks like he was bitten," Faye said.

"Well, that's just great," Spike said. "We've got rats on the Bebop."  
  
"Looks like a vampire bit him!" Edward said. 

"A vampire?" Faye asked. "No way."  
  
"Yup, a vampire!" Edward said. "Ooooh! They're really scary!"  
  
"Vampires don't exist," Spike said.

  
"That's right," Faye said.

---

A short time later…

Jet was still unconscious. He was lying on the couch.

"What do we do now?" Faye asked.

  
"Wait for him to heal, I guess," Spike said.

"I'm tired of waiting. I'm going to go smoke a cigarette," Faye said.

"Can Edward go with Faye-Faye?" Edward asked.

"Kids can't smoke," Spike said. 

"Edward isn't going to smoke!" Edward said. "Edward just wants to keep Faye-Faye company!"  
  
"Whatever," Faye said, walking off. Edward followed her.  


"If you see a rat, kill it!" Spike yelled.

---

In the break room of the Bebop…

"Cigarettes are bad!" Edward said.

"Then why did you come with me?" Faye asked, lighting a cigarette in her hand.

"Edward told you! To keep you company!" Edward said.

"Whatever," Faye said.

"Is Faye-Faye mad?" Edward asked.

"Yes, Faye-Faye is mad. Why don't you just go-"   
  
Faye gasped.

"Who are you?" Faye asked. 

"Wha?" Edward said, turning around. "Oh no!"  
  
Faye and Edward screamed.

---

"What was that?" Spike yelled, running into the break room. "Oh man!"  
  
Faye and Edward were both unconscious on the floor. They both had the bite marks on their necks.

"Hoo boy," Spike sighed. "Looks like the rats got them too."

"It wasn't rats, Mr. Spiegel," said a creepy voice from behind Spike.

"Hey!" Spike said, turning around. There was only smoke behind him. "Who said that?"  
  
No answer.

  
"Hey, I'm talking to you!" Spike yelled.

No answer.

"Okay, fine, don't talk to me," Spike said.

No answer.

"Darn, I thought my reverse psychocolegy would work," Spike said. "Oh well."  
  
Some time later…

The unconscious Faye, Edward, and Jet were all spread out on the floor. 

"Hey, I could play a funny prank," Spike said, taking an ink marker from a table. He walked over to Jet, Faye, and Edward, and drew on their faces. 

Spike frowned.

"It's only funny when they wake up," Spike said. He sighed and put the marker away. "What do I do?"  
  
"Why don't you light up a cigarette?" the creepy voice asked.

"That sounds like a good idea," Spike said. He took a cigarette out of his pocket and began to light it. "Waaaait. How do I know that that's exactly what you want me to do?"  
  
"I'd never give _you _a bum steer, Spike," the creepy voice said. "You know that you're my _favorite_ customer."  
  
The voice laughed.

  
"I don't want to smoke right now," Spike said.

"C'mon," the voice said. "I'm smoooooth and miiiiild."  
  
"Oh man," Spike said. "You're really making it hard for me not to smoke."  
  
"Good," the voice said.

"That does it!" Spike yelled. "I'm coming after you!"  
  
Spike unsheathed his gun and stormed off. Don't ask me how you unsheathe a gun. I'm a sword fan, okay?

---

In the dark, creepy, scary, horrifying, terrifying halls of the Bebop, Spike was creeping around, holding his gun.

"Okay, you whatever you are," Spike said. "Come out!"  
  
No answer.

"Face me like a man!" Spike yelled.

No answer.

"Please?" Spike said.

No answer.

  
"Argh!" Spike yelled in frustration. "You are going down!"  
  
Spike pointed his gun at the darkness and fired off three shots.   
  
"Ow!" the creepy voice said. 

"I hit it?" Spike asked.

"Uh… no. You didn't hit me! Uh… why don't you have a smoke?" the voice asked.

"Not that again," Spike said. "I've gone forty whole minutes without a cigarette. I can go forty more."  
  
Spike frowned.

"Oh God, no I can't! I gotta have a cigarette now!" Spike yelled, fumbling through his pockets until he found what he wanted: his pack of cigarettes. He took one out and lit it up. Then, he put the cigarette in his mouth.

"You're mine now, Spike Spiegel," the creepy voice said.

"Go away. I'm enjoying myself," Spike said.

Suddenly, the smoke from the cigarette came together and wisped itself into a solid form: a vampire.

"Vampire!" Spike yelled.

  
"That's right," the vampire said. "My name is Winston, the Smoking Vampire. And you have fallen into my mighty trap of addiction!"  
  
"Really?" Spike said.

"That's right," Winston said. "I've already bitten your friends, and now, I'm gonna bite you!"  
  
"Wait," Spike said. "Edward doesn't smoke. How did you get her?"  
  
"Second-hand smoke, my friend," Winston said with a smirk on his face. "It kills far more people than first-hand smoke does."  
  
"Wow," Spike said.

  
"You see, smoking contains hundreds of dangerous chemicals, like arsenic and formaldehyde. For hundreds of years, people have smoked. But there was just enough cigarette smoke concentrated in this ship's air for it to react," Winston said.

"React?" Spike said.

"That's right," Winston said. "All of the chemicals in the ship made a chemical reaction that created me! Winston, the Smoking Vampire!"  
  
Winston laughed.

  
"And now, I'm going to bite your neck!" Winston said.

"Wait," Spike said. "You said that I was your beloved customer. You wouldn't really bite your beloved customers, would you?"  
  
"I never thought of that," Winston said.

"Ha! Take this!" Spike yelled, shooting Winston in the chest. Winston staggered back.

"Noooo! You shot me!" Winston yelled. "Wait, I'm a vampire. I'm immortal!"  
  
Winston laughed. He grabbed his chest and doubled over in pain.

  
"That still really hurts," Winston said.   
  
"Good!" Spike said.

"Dude, I'm just gonna bite you now, okay?" Winston said, sinking his fangs into Spike's neck. 

"Crap," Spike said. "That hurt."

Spike fell over, unconscious. 

"Mwahaha! I have defeated the crew of Bebop!" the vampire yelled triumphantly. "Now to kill my helpless victims!"  
  
Suddenly, there was a brilliant flash of light. A big robot appeared in front of Winston.

"Who are you?" Winston asked.

"My name is Deus Ex Machina," the robot said. "You see, it seems that the author of this fanfic, while being the best fanfic author in the history of the Internet, sometimes, _very _rarely, writes himself into a corner."  
  
"So?" Winston asked.

"So I'm gonna have to kill you and heal the Bebop crew. You do understand, right?" Deus said.

"No," Winston said.

"Too bad! Hasta la vista, baby!" Deus yelled, blasting Winston into oblivion.

---

Sometime later…

"Wha?" Spike said, sitting up. "Where am I?"  
  
Spike looked around, holding his head.

"I must have been dreaming," Spike said. "I dreamt a vampire attacked, and that I marked ugly symbols all over Jet, Faye, and Ed's faces."  
  
Spike laughed.

"Good thing it was only a dream," Spike said. "Yup."  
  
"MY FACE! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, SPIKE SPIEGEL!" Faye yelled from the other room.

"Crap," Spike said. He flopped onto his back and fell asleep.

__

Knowledge is contagious...

---

Spike: Next time on Bebop…

  
Crowd: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!  


Faye: What are they cheering about?  
  
Crowd: Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!

Jet: What's all the commotion?  
  
Crowd: Jet sucks! Jet sucks! Jet sucks!  


Edward: Huh? Edward is confused!  
  
Crowd: That girl looks like a boy! That girl looks like a boy! That girl looks like a boy!

Spike: Next time on Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Jupiter Jerry- Part 1".

Crowd: Bebop! Bebop! Bebop!


	12. Jupiter Jerry Part 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own the Jerry Springer series. (Not like I'd want to, TV Guide said it was the worst show ever, and they're always right! I think.)

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

--- 

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"Hey Spike," Jet said.

"Yeah, Jet?" Spike said.

  
"Faye's gone. And she took all of the money in the ship," Jet said.

  
"What?" Spike yelled. "Faye's gone?"  
  
Spike began crying uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with you, Spike?" Jet asked.

"FAYE'S GONE!" Spike cried. "WAAAAH!"  
  
"Stop that," Jet said, smacking Spike on the head.   
  
"Oh," Spike said. "I meant, uh… the money's gone. Waaah."  
  
"Sure, Spike," Jet said. "Well, I'm going to go after our money."  
  
"Good for you, Jet. I wonder where Faye went," Spike said.

"Faye-Faye said she was buying a ticket for a show called Jerry Springer!" Edward said.

"Jerry Springer?" Spike asked. "Ed, run a search for everyone who bought tickets to that show."  
  
"Okey-dokey, Spike-person!" Edward said, typing furiously on her computer. "The show is in Callisto for their Springer Break tour!"  
  
"Find out who bought tickets," Spike said.

  
"Finding!" Edward said. "Oooh! No Faye-Faye, but Ed found somebody named Julia!"  
  
"Julia?" Spike said.

  
"Yep!" Edward said. "Julia's gonna be a guest on the show!"  
  
"Jet, I'm going to Callisto!" Spike said.

  
"Jet-person just left!" Edward said. "He's going to Callisto to find Faye-Faye!"  
  
"It figures," Spike said.

---

****

Session 12: Jupiter Jerry (Part 1)

---

In a bar in Callisto…

"So, has anyone here seen a woman named Faye?" Jet asked.

"No," the bartender said. "This is a gay bar."  
  
"Wha?" Jet said.

  
"No woman's been on Callisto in ten years," the bartender said. "So everybody had to be gay."  
  
"Wow, Callisto must really suck," Jet said. "There aren't any women at all!"  
  
"It's not as bad as you think," the bartender said. "My boyfriend kind of looks like a woman."  
  
"And there's so many gay people here, that Jerry Springer came to film an episode!" one of the men in the bar said. 

"It's the ultimate thrill to have Jerry Springer film an episode of his show on your planet. Or moon," the bartender said.

"I see," Jet said. "Well, I'd best be going then."

---

Meanwhile, in another bar across the street…

Faye sighed.

  
"Everybody on this planet is a man, but they're all gay," Faye said. "I feel so alone."

A man with long, purple hair was playing his saxophone on the stage.

"That song's so beautiful," Faye said. "But it's so sad."  
  
The man stopped playing the song and walked up to Faye.

"Hello there," the man said. "My name's Gren Saxophone. I haven't seen a woman here in a long time."  
  
"Hello there, Mr. Saxophone. My name's Faye. Are you gay too?" Faye asked.

"Of course not," Gren said. "Not when I'm with a vision of beauty like you."  
  
"How flattering," Faye said. 

"What are you on Callisto for?" Gren asked.

"Well, I was going to buy a ticket for Jerry Springer, but they were sold out," Faye said.

"Jerry Springer's a great show," Gren said. 

"I know!" Faye said. "That's why I wanted to see it!"  
  
"Well, maybe next time. He's going to Ganymede next," Gren said.

"I wanted to see this one," Faye said. "Oh well."  
  
Faye got up.

  
"Are you leaving?" Gren asked. 

"Yeah," Faye said. "Bye."  
  
Faye left.

---

Meanwhile, in the streets of the town…

"I gotta find Julia," Spike said. "I haven't seen her in ages!"  
  
Suddenly, a transvestite walked up to Spike.

"Hey there," the transvestite said. "Are you gonna be a guest on Jerry Springer too?"  
  
"No," Spike said. "But Julia is."  
  
Spike picked up the transvestite by his shirt collar.

  
"Okay, you," Spike said. "I know you've seen Julia!"  
  
"What?" the transvestite said.

  
"DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME!" Spike yelled. "I KNOW YOU'VE SEEN JULIA!"  
  
"But-" 

"DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME!" Spike yelled. "I KNOW YOU'VE SEEN JULIA!"  
  
"I haven't-"

"I'LL KNOCK YOU OUT!" Spike yelled. He shoved the transvestite into a trash can. 

"Hey," said a burly man from behind Spike. "That was my boyfriend you just tossed into a trash can!"  
  
"No, he was my boyfriend!" another burly man said.

"You're both wrong! He was mine!" yet another burly man said.

"Oh yeah?" the first burly man said. "I slept with him first!"  
  
"You slept with him?" burly man #3 asked. "He never slept with me! You (bleep)!"  
  
The three burly men began punching and kicking each other.

"You guys caught the Springer fever," Spike said. "I'm outta here."  
  
Spike slowly slinked away. 

---

Meanwhile, Faye was walking through the streets.

"It's so cold on Callisto," Faye said. "I'm cold and scared!"  
  
Faye began crying.

"Wait a minute," Faye said. "I hear something!"  
  
Suddenly, Faye was surrounded by angry gay men.

  
"Why didn't you come sooner?" the first gay man yelled.

"We all had to go gay because women didn't come on our planet!" another man yelled.  
  
"Not that there's anything wrong with it," another man said. The five others agreed.

"O…..kay…." Faye said. "Well, I'm just gonna be going now."  
  
"Not so fast!" one of the men yelled. "We're still mad at you!"  
  
"For what?" Faye asked.

  
"Nothing," the gay man said. "Get her!"  
  
The angry gay men attacked Faye. Faye managed to hold them off for a while, but soon, they proved to be too much for her. Until…

"Faye!" Gren yelled, beating the men with his saxophone. "Come on!"  
  
"Mr. Saxophone?" Faye said.   
  
"C'mon!" Gren yelled, clearing a path through the gay men and motioning for Faye to follow.

"Okay!" Faye yelled.

  
Gren and Faye ran away from the angry gay men until they got to Gren's apartment. Faye and Gren ran inside.

---

Meanwhile, Spike was continuing to walk through the streets.

"This sucks," Spike said. "I'm trying to find Julia, and the only people I'm finding are gay men. Not that there's anything wrong with that…"  
  
"Psst!" somebody whispered. Spike turned around.

"Who are you?" Spike said.

"I'm the only guy on this planet that's not gay," the man said. "I've been waiting for a woman to show up for ten years."  
  
"And?" Spike said. "Did you see Julia?"  
  
"Yeah," the man said. "I also saw this grey-haired dude."  
  
"Vicious," Spike said. "I should have known."  
  
"Vicious is his name?" the man asked. "He's standing outside the backstage entrance of the building they're having that Springer show in. I think he's waiting for you."  
  
"Thanks," Spike said, running off.

---

"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" the crowd chanted.

"Hello, and welcome to a special edition of Jerry Springer!" Jerry Springer said. "Today's stop on our Springer Break tour takes us to the cold moon of Callisto, and the topic of today's show is: Callisto's Gayest Men Reveal Their Sexual Fantasies!"

The crowd cheered.  
  
"Our first guest is a guy named Butch," Jerry said, pointing to a bald man with big muscles.

"Hello there, Jerry," Butch said.   
  
"Now, Butch, you said that you wanted to reveal your fantasy on my show," Jerry said.

  
"That's right, Jerry," Butch said. 

"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" the crowd cheered.

"And what would that be?" Jerry asked. 

"Well, Jerry, I always wanted to make out with my boyfriend in a bathtub filled with live fire ants," Butch said.

  
"Wouldn't that hurt?" Jerry asked.

"That's the way I like it!" Butch said. The crowd went into a frenzy.

---

Meanwhile, at Gren's apartment…

Faye stepped out of the shower and put on a bath robe that had been hanging on the wall. She walked out into the main room.

"Hey there," Gren said.

  
"Hi," Faye said. "I haven't had a good shower in days. So Gren, why do you like to play the saxophone?"  
  
"I don't know," Gren said. "I guess I always liked blowing on things."  
  
"Eh?" Faye asked.

  
"It's nothing," Gren said. "I'm going to go take a shower myself now."  
  
Gren walked past Faye into the bathroom and shut the door.

"How rude," Faye said.

---

Meanwhile, outside the Jerry Springer building…

"Gren should have been here by now," Lin said.

"Patience, young Padawan," Vicious said. "Don't center on your anxieties. Keep your focus in the here and now, where it belongs."  
  
"Yes, master," Lin said.

"Hey Vicious!" Spike yelled, running up to Vicious and Lin. "I've still got to kill you!"  
  
"Whoop de doo," Vicious said. "I've got a trash TV talk show to be on, and I have no time for you."  
  
"Too bad!" Spike yelled, pulling out his gun.

---

"Gren's been in there a long time," Faye said. "Most men don't spend more than a few minutes in the shower."  
  
Faye went into the bathroom.

  
"Hey!" Faye yelled. "Get out of there!"  
  
The water stopped. The curtain opened.

"Eeek! You're a woman!" Faye yelled.

"Oh, ya think?" Gren said. "Way to go, Einstein."  


---

"Vicious, you're going to fight me!" Spike yelled.   


"No," Vicious said. "Lin, shoot him."  
  
Lin took out his gun and shot Spike in the chest. Spike gasped and fell to the ground.

"Good job, young Padawan," Vicious said. "You'll make a good Syndicate leader someday."  
  
Vicious opened the door to the Jerry Springer building and went inside with Lin, leaving Spike lying unconscious in the snow.

__

To be continued...

---

Spike: Next time on Bebop…

Crowd: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

  
Faye: Would you just stop?  
  
Crowd: Let us see! Let us see! Let us see!

Spike: I didn't know Gren was a girl.

  
Faye: Well, he is.

Jet: Poor guy. I mean, poor girl.

  
Ed: Why isn't Edward in this episode?  
  
Jerry Springer: Next time on Cowboy Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Jupiter Jerry- Part 2". 

Crowd: Bebop! Bebop! Bebop!

Faye: Stop that! 


	13. Jupiter Jerry Part 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own the Jerry Springer series. (Not like I'd want to, TV Guide said it was the worst show ever, and they're always right! I think.)

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

--- 

*cue Jerry Springer theme*

"And we're back," Jerry said. "Today, Callisto's gayest men have been revealing their sexual fantasies. Our next guest on the show is a man named Mike."

Mike was a tall, skinny man with glasses and a goatee.

"Hello there, Jerry," Mike said.

"Now, Mike, you said that you had a very special idea in mind," Jerry said.

"That's right," Mike said. "I'm a huge fan of your show."  
  
"And you're an especially huge fan of somebody on the show," Jerry said. 

  
"That's right. I am attracted to the security guard, Steve," Mike said.

Steve smiled. The crowd went crazy.

"Steve! Steve! Steve!" the crowd cheered.

"Steve, I want you to kiss me on the lips!" Mike said.

Steve got an embarrassed look on his face.

"So, Steve, are you up to it?" Jerry asked.

"I guess," Steve said. He walked over to Mike and planted a big, wet kiss on his lips.

"Steve! Steve! Steve!" the crowd cheered.

---

Meanwhile, outside…

"My head," Spike moaned. "Lousy cowardly Vicious."  
  
Spike stood up.

"Having his friend shoot me with a knockout bullet. It's not fair!" Spike yelled. "Argh!"

Spike fumed angrily.

"Vicious, you are going down!" Spike yelled, kicking down the door to the Jerry Springer building and walking inside.

---

****

Session 13: Jupiter Jerry (Part 2)

---

Meanwhile, inside Gren's apartment…

"So, how did you become a… er… hermaphrodite?" Faye asked.

"It's a long story," Gren said. "But back when Vicious and I where in the wrestling league-"  
  
"You were in the wrestling league with Vicious?" Faye asked.   
  
"Yeah," Gren said. "After Spike left, I became Vicious' tag team partner. We were the five...five...five...five...FIVE time SSWWE tag team champs!"

"So what happened?" Faye asked.

"I got too wimpy," Gren said. "So I started taking steroids. Oh sure, they build up your muscles for a while, but after that-"  
  
"I get the picture," Faye said. "You oughta sue."  
  
"I tried," Gren said. "The judge said it was my fault for using steroids. After I turned into a girl-man, Vicious said I wasn't worthy of being his tag team partner."  
  
"Aw, that's sad," Faye said.

"But I love Vicious!" Gren said. "In fact, I'm going to go on Jerry Springer and tell him that!""

"You can't!" Faye protested.

"Why not?" Gren asked.

"Vicious is a crazy guy," Faye said. "He'll kill you!"  


"You can't stop me," Gren said.

"Yes I can," Faye said.

---

Five minutes later…

"I told you you couldn't stop me," Gren said, tossing the handcuffed Faye onto a bed. "I told you! Nyah!"  
  
"Why do I always get overpowered?" Faye asked.

"I dunno," Gren said. 

"I got overpowered by a freaking hermaphrodite. This has got to be the worst day of my life," Faye said.

"Yeah well," Gren said. "I'm oughta here."

Gren ran off.

  
"Hey!" Faye yelled. "You can't just leave me here!"  
  
Faye sighed.

"He can," Faye said, yawning. "I need a nap. I guess I'll just wait for Spike to come and save me."  
  
---

Meanwhile, Jet was walking through the streets. He noticed Gren coming out of his apartment.

"Hey," Jet said. "Wonder where he's going. I guess I'll go into his apartment for no reason."

Jet opened the door to Gren's apartment and went inside.

"Well, nobody here," Jet said.

Suddenly, he noticed Faye handcuffed on Gren's bed.

  
"Eh?" Jet said. He walked over to Faye and freed her from the cuffs. "That purple haired guy is a kinky sex pervert?"  
  
"No," Faye said. "He's a hermaphrodite."  
  
"God," Jet said. "Callisto's got some serious problems."

---

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"So, where's Spike?" Faye asked.

"He went looking for Julia," Jet said.   
  
"I say we leave him here," Faye said. 

"Why is that?" Jet asked.

"He didn't come save me!" Faye yelled.

  
"I saved you," Jet said. "Kiss me!"  
  
"No," Faye said.

---

*cue Jerry Springer theme*

"And we're back with Callisto's gayest men and their sexual fantasies!" Jerry said. The crowd cheered. "Our next guest is a man named Vicious."  
  
"Hello, Jerry," Vicious said.

"Now Vicious, you consider yourself to be a heterosexual man, right?" Jerry asked.

  
"That's correct," Vicious said. "I'm VERY heterosexual. I once had a man killed because he was sleeping with my lover."  
  
"That's what we love here on Jerry Springer," Jerry said. "So, Vicious, are you ready for a sexual surprise?"  
  
"Not really," Vicious said.

"Too bad!" Jerry yelled. "Gren, come on out!"  
  
"Gren?" Vicious said.

Gren walked out to the stage.

"Hey there, Vicious," Gren said, blowing a kiss at him.

"Aaah!" Vicious yelled. "You?"  
  
"Vicious, ever since we were wrestling in the SSWWE, I've always had… feelings about you. But now that I have girl parts, I don't have to hide my feelings anymore!"  
  
"Oh God," Vicious said.

  
"Yaoi! Yaoi! Yaoi!" the crowd cheered.

"So, Vicious," Jerry said. "What's your reaction?"  
  
"I'm very angry right now! I-"  
  
Gren took of his (her?) clothes, revealing his (her?) purple bikini.  
  
"Now that you mention it," Vicious said, "Gren IS sexier than a lot of girls that were girls since they were born. Wow. I'm impressed."  
  
Gren walked up to Vicious.  
  
"So, Vicious," Gren said. "What do you say?"  
  
Gren puckered up his (her?) lips.

  
"Well-"  
  
But before Vicious could continue, Lin walked out on the stage.

"Vicious, I can't hide my feelings anymore! I love you too!" Lin said.

"Threesome! Threesome! Threesome!" the crowd cheered.

"Whoa, this is too much," Vicious said.

"Yaoi Lemon! Yaoi Lemon! Yaoi Lemon!" the crowd cheered.

"Fine," Vicious said. "Whatever pleases the fans!"  


Suddenly, Spike burst into the room, holding his gun.

"Okay, Vicious," Spike said. "You're going to fight me like a man!"  


"Not now," Vicious said. "I'm busy."  
  
"And who are you?" Jerry asked.

"I'm Spike Spiegel," Spike said. "And I'm the guy Vicious had killed because I was sleeping with his lover."  
  
The crowd gasped.

"Darn it, Spike," Vicious said. "You're always meddling in my affairs!"  
  
Vicious took out his katana.

  
"Spike, eat sword!" Vicious said.

"Not so fast!" Gren yelled, tackling Vicious.

"Hey, I thought you loved him!" Jerry yelled.

"That was until I found out that he already had a female lover!" Gren said. "You cheating (bleep)!"  
  
"Gren, baby, it's you I love!" Vicious yelled. "You!"  
  
Vicious slashed Gren across the stomach. Gren staggered back. Lin tackled Gren from behind.

  
"Hey!" Steve yelled, running over and pulling Gren and Lin apart.

"Steve! Steve! Steve!" the crowd cheered feverishly. Vicious ran at Spike with his katana. Spike pointed his gun at Vicious. Steve got behind Spike and restrained him.

  
"Let me go! You stupid (bleep) (bleep)!" Spike yelled.

"You need to cool off!" Steve said.

"That's right!" Vicious said. "Hold him so I can stab him!"  
  
More security guards ran up to the stage and held Vicious back. Gren kicked Lin into a chair before he was restrained by more security guards.

"Gren, you homewrecking (bleep)!" Lin yelled.

"(Bleep) you!" Gren yelled. Gren broke free from the security guards and grabbed a chair.

"(Bleep) (bleep!)" Spike yelled, breaking free from the guards and shooting at Vicious. Vicious smacked the bullet away with his sword. The bullet ricocheted off the sword and hit one of the guards, killing him.

  
"(Bleep!)" Steve yelled. "He was my (bleep) friend!"  
  
Steve ran at Vicious and punched him in the face. Suddenly, Gren tackled Vicious from behind. Vicious' sword went through Steve's crotch.

"(Bleep) (bleep) (bleep)!" Steve yelled. "I (bleep) needed that!"

The huge melee went into the crowd. In the fracas, a bullet bounced off Steve's head and hit Lin in the chest, killing him. Gren staggered around, weak from lost of blood. It took ten Springer security guards to separate Spike and Vicious.

"(Bleep!)" Spike yelled.

  
"(Bleep) you, (bleep) Spike (bleep) Spiegel!" Vicious yelled. He ran out of the building.

  
"(Bleep) (bleep)!" Spike yelled. "He (bleep) got away!"

"We'll be right back after these messages," Jerry said. "What a (bleep) mess."

---

Outside…

  
"You gonna be okay, Gren?" Spike asked. "I think I should call an ambulance."  
  
"No," Gren said. "Just put me in my space fighter and send me to Titan."  
  
"Why?" Spike asked.

"Titan's where Vicious and I became the Tag Team champs," Gren said. "Please honor my dying request."  
  
"But you'll never make it," Spike said.

"Just (bleep) do it," Gren said.

---

Meanwhile, in a canyon somewhere, an elderly man was talking to a little boy.

"Look at that," the boy said. "Grandpa, a star just fell!"  
  
"I know," the old man said.

"Whenever a star falls, an angel gets its wings!" the boy said.

"No, you've got it mixed up," the old man said. "When stars fall, people die."  
  
"Who died?" the boy asked.

"How the (bleep) should I know?" the old man said.

---

SPRINGER'S FINAL THOUGHT

"And now, for a final thought," Jerry said. "When bounty hunters and sadistic grey-haired swordsmen fight, it wrecks people's lives. So many people get caught in the middle. And when the girl they're fighting over is missing or presumed dead, it's even worse."  
  
Jerry turned slightly in the chair.

"So please, please, if there's a pretty girl, and her name is, oh say, Julia, then remember to share and share alike. It's the right thing to do, and it'll prevent a climactic and bloody battle where both of the men who are fighting end up dying and hundreds of fanboys and fangirls commit ritualistic suicide. I'm Jerry Springer, saying so long, space cowboy."  


"Space Lion" began playing as the end credits rolled. Gren's star falling could be seen all over the solar system. Except on Europa, where it got preempted by Major League Baseball.

---

Edward: Next time on Bebop, Edward gets to play chess!

Faye: Wow.   
  
Spike: I really suck at chess. 

Edward: That's too bad, because Ed is the best in the universe!  


Faye: Uh, Ed, this guy's beating you.

  
Edward: No he's not! Edward's winning!  


Faye: Suuure she is.

Edward: Next time on Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Bohemian Rhapsody, Or Something French Like That!" 

Spike: Checkmate it out!

Edward: Aw, Spike-person can come up with better puns than that!


	14. Bohemian Rhapsody, Or Something French L...

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. However, I do own a chess rating of 1027 (and that's not some online Yahoo rating, that's an official USCF one). Okay, I seriously gotta stop bragging now. Onto the fic! Oh, BTW, there's a lot of Romanized leet speak in this chapter. If you don't understand it, don't feel bad. I don't understand most of it either. ^_^

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

--- 

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"So, how did you do today?" Spike asked.

"I caught a bountyhead," Faye said. 

"So did I," Jet said.

"And I did too," Spike said. "But mine was a small fry."  
  
"Mine too," Faye said.

"And so was mine," Jet said.

  
"Wanted for…" Spike started.

"Gate hacking," Faye said.

"Gate hacking," Jet repeated.

"Anyone see a pattern here?" Spike asked.

"Yup," Faye said.

"Yup," Jet said.

"Yup," Spike said.

"Yup-yup!" Edward chimed in.

"You caught a bountyhead too, Edward?" Spike asked.

  
"No, but Edward knows why you didn't get any money for the bountyheads you caught!" Edward said.

"Why not?" Spike asked.

"Because they weren't the real hackers! Nope! Not the mastermind!" Edward said.   
  
"Well, we've figured _that _out," Faye said indignantly.

---

****

Session 14: Bohemian Rhapsody, Or Something French Like That

---

"Right now, Edward is going to play a game of chess!" Edward said, taking out an electronic chessboard device and hooking it up to the Bebop's network.

"Oooh, chess," Spike said. "I suck at chess.  
  
"You oughta learn to play, Spike-person!" Edward said.  
  
"No way," Spike said. "Chess bores me.

  
"How can you say that about chess?" Edward asked.

"I'm Spike Spiegel. I'm cool. I can say anything," Spike said.

Edward's electronic chessboard lit up. A hologram of a chess game appeared on the board. It appeared as if two or three moves had been made already.

"Lookie lookie! Hologram chess!" Edward said.

  
"Who's your opponent?" Faye asked.

"A guy named Chessmaster Hex!" Edward said. "Heee's goood!"

---

Meanwhile, on an old dilapidated colony in the middle of space…

"Wow, finally an opponent," said a very aged-looking man. "And they're not bad!"  
  
The aged chessmaster moved one of his pieces.

---

"You just keep that game going, Edward," Jet said. "We're going out to find the leet mastermind haxxor now."  
  
"That's right," Faye said. "Keep on playing, Edward!"  
  
"Edward's gonna win!" Edward said.

---

Meanwhile, at the Solar System's DBZ Fanboy/Gate Inc. HQ…

"This place is huge," Jet said.

"So, are we gonna find the hacker behind the gate hacks?" Faye asked.

"Hopefully," Jet said. "If we don't, then at least we can watch Edward play chess."  
  
"That's boring!" Faye said.

"Then let's find that hacker," Spike said.

Suddenly, a tall man in a Goku costume ran past Spike.

"Hey you!" Jet said.

"Me?" the guy in the Goku suit said.

"Yeah, you," Jet said. "What do you know about gate hacking?"  
  
"Whoa, are you accusing me of haxxorating the gatezors?" the Goku-suit guy said. "That does it! I'm using a Kamehameha on joo!"

The man in the Goku suit struck a Kamehameha pose.

  
"Oh geez," Faye said. "We're not getting anything from him."  
  
"Except some cheap laughs," Spike said, chuckling.

"How dare joo laugh at me! You suxxors!" the man in the Goku suit yelled. "Ka…me…ha…me…ha!"  
  
The man extended his arms. Spike spun around and kicked the man in the face, knocking him back into a cubicle.

"Whoa!" another man said, running over to Spike. "How'd joo do that? Joo have the leet mad skillzors!"  


"Does anyone understand what this guy's saying?" Faye asked.

"Not really," Spike said. He kicked the man, knocking him out. "Let's ask some other people. Smart people."  


---

Meanwhile, Edward and the mysterious old man had reached the midgame.

"Ha ha, now your knight belongs to Edward!" Edward said, capturing the man's knight with his pawn.

---

"Not bad," the old man said. "Heh heh."  
  
The wily old man chuckled as he used his rook to capture Edward's bishop.

---

"Aw, no!" Edward said. "Ed's bishop is gone!"  


Edward flopped onto the chessboard.

---

Back at the DBZ/Gate building…

"Know anything about the hacks?" Faye asked to a fat man wearing glasses.

"Goku ownzors joo!" the man said.

Spike sighed.

  
"We'll never find anything in this place," Spike said.

Another man walked up to Faye.

"Wow, joo have teh big boobies!" the man said. "I know everything joo wanna know!"

Faye was about to slap the man. Spike stopped her.

"Wait," Spike said. "You know what we want to know?"  
  
"That's right!" the man said. "I know who perpetrated the gate haxxorsorsatiors!" 

"The gate whatzors?" Jet said.

"It was a dood named Chessmaster Hexxors!" the man said. "He's an old dood that lives in a drifter colony orbiting this planet!"  


"Isn't that the guy Ed's playing?" Faye asked.

"Yeah," Jet said. "What a coincidence."

  
The man smiled at Faye.

"Now that I helped joo," the man said, "could joo show me joor-"  
  
"NO!" Faye yelled, slapping the man unconscious.

  
"Good one, Faye!" Jet yelled. "So, uh… could you show me your-"  
  
"A-hem," Spike coughed.

"Er, right," Jet said. "We'd better get to that drifter colony then."

---

Meanwhile, Edward and Chessmaster Hex continued playing chess.

"And Ed moves here!" Edward said, moving her queen to the center of the board. "Check on you!"  
  
---

Hex smiled.

"Not bad at all!" Hex said. "I must be playing a true master of chess!"  
  
The man interposed his bishop, blocking the check.

"Your move!" Hex said.

---

Meanwhile, the Bebop was docking at the drifter colony.

"The old guy lives here," Spike said.

"So all we gotta do is grab him and get the bounty?" Faye asked.

"That's the idea," Spike said.

---

Inside the colony…

"Geez, there's no gravity in here," Faye said.

"It's a low-maintenance colony," Jet said. "It's like the ghetto."  
  
As Spike, Faye, and Jet floated through the ship, they noticed many low-lifes and bums floating around the colony.

"I would never think that an elite chessmaster-hacker would live in a place like this," Faye said.

"Hackers work in mysterious ways, Faye," Spike said. "This Hex guy is probably hiding out here."  
  
"Oh," Faye said.

---

"And Edward moves her queen here!" Edward said, moving her queen to Hex's seventh rank and forking Hex's rook and knight. "Choose one to lose!"

---

"Well well," Hex said. "This is a predicament. But I can move… here!"

Hex moved his rook to check Edward's king.

"Check!" Hex announced.

---

"Geez, this colony's huge," Faye said. "It's hard to find anyone in here."  
  
"Wait," Jet said. "I think I found something!"  
  
Jet pointed to a small room.

"You're right, Jet," Spike said. "That is an empty room.

  
"Aw man," Jet said.

"Wow, Jet, you suck," Faye said.

"I do not suck!" Jet said. "What about that one time where you went after a bounty and you got captured! And I had to save you!"  
  
"Actually, Spike saved me," Faye said.

"And the other time-" Jet stammered.

  
"Spike saved me that time too," Faye said.

"Would you guys quit arguing over me?" Spike said. "I know I'm popular, but you don't have to fight over me. Look, maybe we should split up."

"You mean like in Scooby-Doo?" Faye asked. "Cool!"  
  
Faye and Jet floated away.

"Suckers!" Spike said. "I know where the bountyhead is! Ha! Now I don't have to share!"  
  
"I know where he is too!" came a voice from behind Spike. Spike turned around.

"Who are you?" Spike asked.

"I'm a trigger-happy bounty hunter who likes killing things! And I know where the old man is! Bwahaha!" the trigger-happy bounty hunter said, floating off.

"Oh yeah?" Spike yelled. He floated off after the trigger-happy bounty hunter.

---

"And now, my trap is set!" Hex declared. "Pawn to c3!"

Hex moved one of his pawns forward.

---

"Oh no!" Edward said. "Ed's gotta stop the pawn!"  
  
Ed swung her rook in the pawn's path, blocking it.

"Your move!" Edward said.

---

"That was a mistake," Hex said. "Now for my final move!"  
  
"You're dead, old man!" yelled the trigger-happy bounty hunter. 

  
"Wha?" Hex said. "Who are you?"  
  
Suddenly, the bounty hunter was shot from behind by Spike. Spike walked in.

"Uh, you're under arrest for hacking the gates," Spike said.

  
"I don't know what you're talking about. I just play chess now," Hex said. "You oughta see the person I'm playing! They're a real chessmaster!"  
  
"Uh, okay," Spike said. "Look, since you're an old guy, I'll let you off with a warning. Okay?"  
  
Hex smiled and moved one of his pieces.

  
"Check," Hex said.

"Well, alright," Spike said. "Bye now!"  


---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"So as it turns out," Jet said, "back when the gates were created, Hex wanted to go off and play chess. So he programmed a computer program to hack into the gates. And then he forgot about it."  
  
"Is that what really happened?" Spike asked.

"No," Jet said. "But at least there's a good chance that that nice old man didn't really mean any harm."  
  
"Oh. Well, that's good," Spike said.

"Be quiet!" Ed yelled. "Edward is playing chess!"  
  
"You're still playing that guy?" Faye asked.

"Yeah, he's good!" Edward said. "But Ed is better!"  
  
Ed moved her rook.

"Ha!" Edward said. "Ed has mate in one!"

---

"Well, well, well," Hex said. "Finally, the master makes a mistake!"  
  
Hex moved his own rook in behind Ed's king.

  
"Checkmate!" Hex said. "Well, now I can die in piece. Because I won."  
  
Hex fell over, dead.

---

"Nooooooooooooooo!" Edward screamed. "Ed lost!"  
  
Edward fell over.

__

See you, space cowboy...

---

Faye: Next time on Bebop, everybody gets to find out a little bit about my mysterious past!  


Spike: Not interested.

  
Faye: What?  
  
Jet: Me neither. Everybody obviously wants to see _my _past.

Spike: No, they want my past. Because inside, they're all wrestling marks!  


Jet: Suuuure they are.

Faye: Anyway, you get to see my old boyfriend, and hear a pretty song, and watch me evade greedy bill collectors!

Edward: Yeah, everybody wants a piece of Faye-Faye!

Jet: Oooh…

Faye: Not like that, you pervert! Next episode of Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "My Funny Valentine's In Love With Eddie Vedder!"  
  
Spike: Eddie who?  
  
Jet: Latino Heeeeat!  


Faye: That's Eddie Guerrero, Jet.

Jet: What, holmes?  
  
Faye: *sighs*


	15. My Funny Valentine’s In Love With Eddie ...

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own Weird Al's Eddie Vedder song. I also don't own anything else. Faye Valentine owes me money. (But hey, doesn't she owe everybody money nowadays? ^_^)

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

--- 

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"So, who's the latest bountyhead, Jet?" Faye asked.

"He's a womanizing con artist," Jet said. "He's worth 500 wulongs."  
  
"That's all?" Faye said.

  
"He's the smallest of the smallest of the smallest of the smallest of the smallest of the smallfrys," Jet said.

"He's that small?" Spike asked. "Then why are you going after him?"

"Anyone that cons women is bad!" Jet yelled. "He deserves to die."

"Nobody deserves to die, Jet-person!" Edward said. "So, Faye-Faye, where are you going?"  
  
"I'm gonna go reflect on my past," Faye said.  
  
"You do that," Spike said. "See if we care!"

"You shouldn't be so mean to Faye-Faye!" Edward said. "Can Ed come with you?"

"No," Faye said, walking off.

---

Elsewhere on the Bebop…

"My life sucks," Faye said with a sigh. "I have no memories of anything that happened in the first twenty years of my life."  
  
Ein barked.

  
"Aw, what a cute puppy dog," Faye said. "You know, I think I'll tell you my past."  
  
Faye sniffed the air.

  
"Hey," Faye said. "I said I'd tell you my past. I didn't say you could take a big dump on the floor!"  
  
Faye pushed Ein into the next room and shut the door. She sat the dog on the floor and leaned back on the sofa.

"Let's see," Faye said. "Where do I begin?"

---

****

Session 15: My Funny Valentine's In Love With Eddie Vedder

---

*cue flashback sequence*

The year is 2067. Not too much is different… except it's four years earlier than 2071. Well, that's about it.

FREEZIN' MY ARSE OFF CRYOGENIC FACILITY-

"Well, is it finally time to unfreeze the girl?" asked the doctor.

"Yeah, why not," the nurse said. 

The doctor and nurse walked over to a small control panel and pressed a few buttons. The girl in the cryogenic chamber began to thaw out.

"Whoa, she's even hotter unfrozen than she is frozen!" the doctor said.

"Maybe we should give her some clothes," the nurse said.

"Naw, that's okay," the doctor said. The girl woke up.

  
"Hey, where am I?" the girl asked. "And who am I? And why am I naked?"  
  
"Uh, well, you see…" the doctor said. "Uh…"  
  
"Am I in heaven?" the girl asked.

"Yes! And I am God! And I say that all girls in heaven must be naked!" the doctor said. The nurse smacked him.

  
"No, he's a doctor," the nurse said. "And your name is Faye."  
  
"Faye Valentine!" the doctor said. "All the hot girls are named Valentine! Jill Valentine, and Mai Valentine, and… uh… well, there's a guy named Vincent Valentine, but he's a guy. Ya know?"  
  
"Just give her some clothes," the nurse said.

  
"Fine," the doctor said.

---

Sometime later…

Faye sat on a hospital bed. She was now wearing a bright blue hospital gown.

"I don't know who I am," Faye said. "And I'm so hungry."  
  
Suddenly, a man walked into the room. He was wearing a Green Day t-shirt.

"Who are you?" Faye asked.

  
"My name's Eddie," the man said. "Eddie Vedder. And who might you be?"  
  
"My name's Faye Valentine," Faye said. "At least I think it is."  


"Well, I know my name's Eddie," Vedder said. "I was thawed out six months ago, and they had my records on file. Your records got wiped out in the Goku Fart Disaster forty-six years ago."  
  
"Goku Fart Disaster?" Faye asked. "What was that?"  
  
"Well, you know that big blue planet called Earth?" Vedder asked.

"Not really," Faye said. "I lost all of my memory, remember?"  
  
"Oh," Vedder said. "Well, let's just say that a big dumb monkey farted and blew up a big rock that was circling around another big rock, causing the little big rock to eradicate nine-tenths of the big rock's lifeforms."  
  
"That makes sense," Faye said.

  
"You know, I came and looked at you while you were in deep freeze," Vedder said.

"While I was naked?" Faye asked.

"Well, if they would have opened the chamber to put clothes on you, you would have melted," Vedder said.

  
"Maybe you're right," Faye said.

Suddenly, the doctor walked into the room.

"Okay, Miss Valentine, let's talk about your medical bills," the doctor said.

"Wha?" Faye stammered.

  
"Lessee… you owe me 240,000,000 wulongs," the doctor said.

"What?" Faye yelled.

"Hey, it's either 240 million, or one night with me in the sack," the doctor said with a smile.

"I guess that could work," Faye said.

"No!" Eddie Vedder yelled. "Faye, you can't let that pervert take advantage of you! You gotta run!"

"I guess…" Faye said. She bolted out of the room.  
  
"After her!" the doctor yelled. "Oh, wait, I don't have any guards here. Crap, she got away."

---

Outside of the hospital…

"That was close," Faye said, running around frantically. "But now what do I do?"  
  
Faye jumped up and down, trying to flag down cars on the highway. Unfortunately for Faye, for some odd reason, only heterosexual women were on the road that night. None of them stopped for Faye.

"What am I gonna do now?" Faye asked in an exasperated tone. Suddenly, Eddie Vedder's car pulled up.

  
"Hop in!" Vedder yelled.

"How did you get here?" Faye asked.

"That's not important! Just hop in!"  
  
Faye got in Vedder's car. "My Baby's In Love With Eddie Vedder" began playing over a montage of romantic scenes involving Faye and Eddie Vedder.

---

Some time later… (with the song still playing)

"That was fun!" Faye said. "I love you!"  
  
"I love you too, Faye," Vedder said. "Let's get married."  
  
"That sounds lovely!" Faye said. Unfortunately, the romantic scene was quickly interrupted by a gang of bill collectors.

"Give us the money!" the bill collectors yelled.

"Bill collectors travel in gangs now?" Faye asked.

"Yeah," Vedder said. "We gotta lose 'em!"  
  
But as it turns out, Eddie Vedder was a VERY crappy driver. He swerved off the road and crashed up in a fiery explosion. However, since Faye's a babe, she survived. Of course. The song ended.

---

A little while later…

"Since Eddie Vedder's dead, you get all of his money," the doctor said.

"So what do I get?" Faye asked.

"Let's see… well, how can I put this. What's negative 240,000,000 plus negative 560,000,000?" the doctor asked.

"I don't know," Faye said. "I don't remember ever being good at math. Actually, I don't remember anything."  
  
"It equals one night in the sack with the big doctor!" the doctor said.

"Wha?" Faye said.

"Eddie Vedder splurged all of his money in the early 21st Century. That's why he had himself frozen. He owed 560,000,000 wulongs to various people. And now you owe 560,000,000 wulongs to various people," the doctor said. "Sucks to be you."

*end flashback*

---

"I managed to get out of my debts by running from the doctor again," Faye said. "And I've been chased ever since. I owe everybody money."  
  
"Bark bark woof?" Ein asked.

"Yes, even you," Faye said. 

Ein growled. Faye handed the dog a 500-wulong bill. The dog growled some more.

"That's all I have, Ein," Faye said.

Ein growled again. Faye handed the dog another 500-wulong bill. The dog walked away contentedly.  
  
"That story sucked," Spike said, walking out of the bathroom. "I don't believe a word of it."  
  
"Argh!" Faye yelled. "That story was between me and Ein! You weren't supposed to hear it!"  
  
"Well, at least now I now you owe me money," Spike said. "Pay up."

"I gave Ein all my money," Faye said. 

  
"What do you owe him money for?" Spike asked.

"It's a long story," Faye said. 

  
"I want to hear it!" Spike whined.

"Maybe someone will write a story about it," Faye said, winking to the camera.

  
"Aw, come on," Spike said.

"Guys, you gotta come quick!" Jet yelled from the other room. "I caught the womanizer!"  
  
"Good for you, Jet," Spike said.

  
"I want to see him," Faye said. "I'd like to give that guy a good swift kick to the groin."  
  
Faye walked into the detainment room of the Bebop. Spike followed her.

---

In the detainment room…

"Here he is," Jet said, pointing to a fat man who was sitting on a bench. He was wearing handcuffs.

"Hello," Faye said. "You big, mean, womanizing son of a- Eddie?"  
  
"Hey there, Faye," the now-obese Eddie Vedder said. "How are you?"  
  
Faye gave Eddie Vedder a good swift kick to the groin.

"Hey!" Vedder whimpered, sucking in a breath. "What was that for?"  
  
"For making me do math!" Faye yelled. "What's negative 240 million plus negative 560 million?"

"Negative 800 million," Spike said matter-of-factly.

"Oh, that," Vedder said. "Honest, I thought I had positive 560 million! You see, I'm colorblind, so I really can't tell red from green, and-"  
  
"You're a big fat liar!" Faye yelled. "I hate you!"

Faye huffed and stomped out of the room.

"That's your boyfriend? He's all fat and ugly," Spike said.

"After the accident, they had to give me emergency reverse liposuction," Vedder said.

"Are you lying about that, too?" Spike asked. "Faye, are you into fat guys?"  
  
"No!" Faye yelled from the other room. 

"See, I'm telling the truth," Vedder said.

---

Some time later…

"Let's go turn him in now," Spike said, walking into the detainment room. "Hey! He's gone!"  
  
Jet ran into the room after Spike.

  
"Whoa, he is gone!" Jet yelled. "Who could have taken him?"  
  
"I bet Faye did," Spike said. "I knew she was into fat guys. She's eloping with him!"  
  
"No," Jet said. "She's turning him in."  
  
"How do you know?" Spike asked.

  
"Shut up, Spike," Jet said.

---

Meanwhile, Faye was driving the Redtail toward a police ship.

"So, why'd you break me out?" Vedder asked, now handcuffed to the other seat in the Redtail.

  
"Because I realize how much I love you," Faye said.

"You're driving toward a police cruiser," Vedder said. "You're going to turn me in to the cops!"  
  
"That's not a police cruiser," Faye said. "That's… uh… Green Day's tour ship!"  


"Really?" Vedder said. "But the guys are all old and stuff!"

"Okay, it's a police cruiser," Faye said. "You big jerk. You took advantage of me, and now you're taking advantage of women who like fat guys! Well, it's gotta stop!"

"Nothing has to stop, Faye," Vedder said. "I love you."

The look in Faye's eyes grew more compassionate. 

"You know what, Eddie?" Faye asked.   


"What?" Vedder said.

"I think I do still love you," Faye said.

  
"Really?" Vedder said.

"Yeah. I do. Now kiss me!" Faye said. 

"Alright!" Vedder said. He puckered up his lips. Faye's face drew closer to his. And then… Faye slapped a big strip of duct tape over Eddie Vedder's mouth.

"Shut up," Faye said.

---

The Redtail parked at the police cruiser. Faye dragged Eddie out and handed him over to two very familiar looking cops.

"Hey," Faye said. "Don't I know you guys?"

"Yeah!" the male cop said. "You still owe me that night in the sack!"  
  
The female cop, who was actually the registered nurse from the hospital, elbowed the doctor.

"Er, I mean, you still owe me that 240 million wulongs," the doctor said. He was elbowed again. "Uh, I mean, uh, this guy is enough. Yeah, uh… yeah."  
  
"That's what I thought," Faye said, smiling. 

__

See you, space cowboy...

---

Jet: On the next episode of Bebop, I get to star! Again!

Faye: Wow, remind me to skip the next episode, Spike.

  
Spike: Will do.

  
Jet: Hey, what's wrong? This time, it's actually an episode the author of this fanfic likes!  


Edward: We're in a fanfic?  
  
Jet: Er, no, this is real life! Yeah!

Spike: I still think this episode's gonna suck.

  
Jet: Spike, you want me to put you in time-out?

Faye: *giggles*

Jet: Next time on Bebop: The Funny Sessions: "The Suckiest Episode Of All". Hey, who's messing with the teleprompter?  
  
Spike: *chuckles*

Jet: It was you, wasn't it, Spike?  
  
Spike: Uh…

  
Jet: That does it! Spike, you are going to bed without supper!  


Edward: Oooh, Spike-person's in trouble!

Jet: The REAL next episode of Bebop: The Funny Sessions: "Jelly-Filled Donut Serenade".

Faye: Wha?  
  
Jet: Cops love donuts, alright? Mmm… donuts…

Spike: I'M HUNGRY!


	16. Jelly Donut Serenade

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. Wow, I can't think of something else witty to put here. Ah well. Anyway, I'd like to take this time to thank all of you loyal readers for reading my fic and posting great reviews! Argh, I forget all of your names, but you know who you are! Unless you have amnesia like Faye, in which case, I'm sorry. *looks* Hey, that was witty! I think.

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

--- 

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

  
"Now to take a nice hot shower," Faye said, taking off her clothes. "A nice _hot _shower. Nothing beats a hot shower."  
  
Faye stepped into the bathtub and turned on the water.

"Ah, that feels… THIS WATER IS (bleep) FREEZING!" Faye yelled angrily. "WHO THE (bleep) TOOK ALL THE (bleep) HOT WATER?"  


In the other room…

"Uh oh," Spike said. "She's mad."  
  
"Naughty Faye-Faye!" Edward said. "Faye-Faye's a pottymouth!"  
  
"Go see what she wants," Jet said.

  
"(bleep)!" Faye yelled, walking into the room wearing a blue towel. 

  
"Too late," Jet said.

"Yeah, see ya," Spike said, walking out of the room.

"WHAT THE (bleep) IS WRONG WITH THE SHOWER?" Faye screamed.

"Well, the Bebop's broken," Jet said.

"BROKEN? HOW CAN A SPACESHIP BE (bleep) BROKEN?" Faye yelled.

"Would you stop yelling in my face?" Jet asked.

"ALL I WANTED WAS A HOT (bleep) SHOWER, BUT NOOOO…" Faye hollered.

"Please stop yelling," Jet said.

"Fine," Faye said. "So, how did the Bebop get broken?"  
  
"We hit a small asteroid," Jet said, "and all the hot water spilled out. We'll have hot water again tomorrow."  
  
"Tomorrow?" Faye said. "What do I do until then?"  
  
"I don't know," Jet said. "Take cold showers?"  
  
"(bleep) cold showers," Faye said. 

  
"Well then, I can't help you," Jet said.   
  
"By the way, how'd your arm get broken?" Faye asked. "You've got a freaky mechanical one. Why don't you get surgery?"  
  
"Because metal arms are _so _much cooler than regular arms," Jet said. "Ya know?"

---

****

Session 16: Jelly Donut Serenade

---

"Whatever," Faye said. "I'm gonna go and find some hot water."

"Find hot water?" Jet asked.

"It'll give me something to do," Faye said, leaving the room.

"Suit yourself," Jet said. 

Suddenly, the phone in the Bebop rang. Jet picked it up.

"Hello?" Jet said. "Who's this?"  
  
"It's Fad," the man on the other line said. "Your old partner from the ISSP, remember?"

"Wow, I haven't seen you in ages," Jet said. "So what's up?"

"Jet, I want to team up with you to catch one last bad guy," Fad said.

"Who is it?" Jet asked.

"It's that Syndicate guy named Udai," Fad said.

Jet screamed like a little girl.

"Eee! That's the guy that tore off my arm!" Jet squealed. He began to cry.

"Yeah, I know it hurts," Fad said. "It hurts inside."  
  
"Hey!" Faye yelled from the other room. "I thought you liked your metal arm!"

"Yeah, but the old one really hurt when it got torn off," Jet said. 

  
"Oh, you shoulda seen him!" Fad said. "He was crying like a baby!"  
  
"Yeah, I was going 'Waaah! I never wanna be a cop again! My arm huuuurts! Waaah! Mommmmmmy!'" Jet said. "Wait, aren't you supposed to be getting hot water?"  
  
"No," Faye said.

"And how can you and Fad both hear each other?" Jet asked. "This is a phone conversation."

"Uh… never mind," Fad said. "Look, I really need you to help me catch Udai!"  


"Nope, not gonna do it," Jet said.

"Chicken," Fad said.  


"What?" Jet said.

  
"Chicken," Fad said again.

  
"I'm no chicken! Fine, I'll help you catch Udai! But just to prove I'm not a chicken! If I get killed, it's all my fault!" Jet yelled.

---

*cue flashback sequence*

"Okay, Udai, I'm gonna get you!" Jet yelled.

"For what?" Udai said.

"For killing that guy and selling those drugs to those kids!" Jet yelled. 

"Hey, I didn't sell drugs to kids! I sold them to animals!" Udai said.

"Oh," Jet said. "Well then, er… take this!"  
  
Jet pulled out his gun.

"A gun?" Udai said. "How pathetic!"

  
Udai grabbed Jet's arm and ripped it off.

"ARGH!" Jet screamed. "THAT REALLY HURTS! GOLLY JEEPERS!"

*end flashback*

---

At some space dock somewhere…

"Where's he at?" Fad said, standing on a corner. "I hope he didn't chicken out."  
  
"I heard that!" Jet yelled, flying the Hammerhead up to Fad. He hopped out. "Udai made me lose my arm, and now I'm gonna make him lose his!"  
  
"I was thinking we could take him out," Fad said.

  
"Well, okay, but as long as I don't get any guts on my shirt," Jet said. He took out a cigarette and lit it up.

"Hey, I quit that a long time ago," Fad said. "Smoking's bad for you."  
  
"Do we really have to go over this again? Because five-" 

  
"No," Fad said. "I'll shut up now."

"So where is Udai, anyway?" Jet asked.

"He's in a runaway prison ship that's currently speeding out of control through space," Fad said.

  
"Like that helps," Jet said. "I'll never catch him!"

"Well, you could just pull an extremely dangerous flying maneuver to get on the ship," Fad said.

"No, I'll do it the easy way," Jet said.

---

Sometime later, aboard the prison ship…

"Yeah, that was easy," Fad said. "You know how to do everything."  
  
"I do!" Jet said. "Because I'm Jet Black!"  
  
"Quit bragging and let's find this guy," Fad said.

"Let's split up," Jet said. "Like in Scooby Doo!"  
  
"Okay," Fad said. Jet and Fad went off in different directions.

---

Meanwhile, elsewhere on the ship…

"Mwahaha!" Udai laughed. "Now I can sell drugs to all the little animals!"  
  
Udai cackled insanely.

"Stop right there, Udai!" Fad yelled.

"Oh, it's Jet's little friend," Udai said. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I came to take you down!" Fad said.

"Good for you," Udai said. "But you know, your pathetic little friend Jet lost his arm fighting me."

"I don't need my arms," Fad said.

"Do you need your head?" Udai asked.

"Well, yeah, we all do, I mean-"  
  
Udai took out his gun and shot at Fad. Fad dodged to the side.

  
"Hey!" Fad yelled. "I wasn't ready!"  
  
Udai shot Fad in the chest. Fad clutched his chest and fell over.

"Crap," Fad said. "You killed me."  
  
"Well, duh," Udai said. "That's what I do. I'm the freaking bad guy."  
  
Udai put his gun up and walked out of the room. 

"Crap," Fad said. "I'm dead."  
  
Fad died. It was sad. 

---

Elsewhere on the ship…

"I just felt a disturbance in the Force," Jet said. "I think somebody died!"

Jet ran around the ship until he found Fad's body.

"Fad! Noooo!" Jet yelled in anguish. "Nooo!"

Jet began running in circles.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-"  
  
Jet took in a breath.

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" 

Jet took in another breath.

  
"I see you found your friend," Udai said, walking into the room.

"You killed him!" Jet yelled.

"Uh, no, actually, uh… the flying monkeys killed him," Udai said.

  
"Really?" Jet said.

"No," Udai said. He took out his gun. "And now, you die."  
  
Udai began firing at Jet. Jet rolled out of the way.

"Crap," Jet said. "I think I'm in over my head."

"Ewww," Udai said. "Being in crap over your head?"  
  
Udai threw up.

  
"You seriously thought about that?" Jet asked. "You are a sick, sick man."  
  
"No, you're a sick man for making me think about being buried in crap!" Udai yelled. "I mean, geez, that'd be kinda nasty, you know?"  
  
"Well, yeah," Jet said. "But it's not nice to think about it."  
  
Udai threw up again.

  
"Are you done?" Jet asked.

"Yeah," Udai said. He began firing at Jet again.  


__

"What do I do?" Jet thought. _"Wait, I know! My metal arm!"_

Jet stuck out his metal arm. The bullets bounced harmlessly off of it.

"Oh crap!" Udai said. "Eww, I thought about it again…"  
  
"Take this!" Jet yelled, punching Udai in the face with his metallic arm. 

"Oh man, that hurt!" Udai yelled.

  
"And this!" Jet yelled, punching Udai in the stomach. Udai doubled over.

"It hurts a lot more getting punched with a metallic arm than with a real one," Udai said. "God, that smarts!"

"Now take this!" Jet yelled. "The final blow!"  
  
Jet whammed the metal arm over Udai's head. Udai fell over, KOed.

"Metal arms are so much cooler than real arms," Jet said. "Wait, Udai's not dead yet."  
  
Jet took out his gun and shot Udai, killing him.

"Guns are so much cooler than metal arms," Jet said.

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"So, Faye," Jet said. "Did you ever find that hot water?"  
  
"Yeah, I did," Faye said. "But on the way to get it, I got attacked by gangsters, I befriended a young youth, I learned the art of Tai-Chi, I played Yu-Gi-Oh with some other kid, I stopped a Kamehameha from destroyed the Earth, I punched out Muhammad Ali, I became a Sailor Scout, and I bought a stuffed cow doll on E-Bay."  
  
"Did you really?" Jet asked.

"No," Faye said. "I found the hot water in a tank in the back of the ship."

"See how much better it feels when you tell the truth?" Jet asked.

  
"No, it doesn't," Faye said.

"Good for you," Jet said.

__

See you, space cowboy...

---

Edward: After not appearing in that episode at all, Edward gets to star in the next one!  


Spike: Lousy contract.

Edward: Anyway, Edward gets to run around chasing drug dealers while Spike and the others get tripped out on bad mushrooms!  


Faye: What?  
  
Edward: Yep, even you, Faye-Faye! And even Ein gets hooked on hallucinogens!

Ein: *barks*

Jet: Whoa, hold the phone… we use drugs next time?  
  
Spike: THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Edward: Hey, Edward doesn't use the mushrooms!

Faye: She's got a point.

  
Edward: Next episode of Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Samba No. 5"!

Jet: You trippin'?


	17. Samba No 5

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. Drugs are bad, m'kay? And so is racial profiling! BTW, I'm white, but racial profiling is bad! I'm also a Democrat, so I'm gonna make fun of Republicans in this chapter. ~_^

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now. 

--- 

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

  
"So hungry," Faye groaned.

  
"We haven't had food in weeks," Spike said.

  
"And we don't have money to get food, either," Jet said.

  
"Edward want food…" Edward moaned.

"Why don't we land on a planet and try to get free food?" Faye asked.

"Free food? Nothing's free, Faye," Spike said.

"I've flashed people for food before," Faye said.

  
"That's sad," Spike said.

"There's gotta be some other way to get food," Jet said.

"Edward could get food!" Edward said. "With my charm, I can get anythiiing!"

"Edward's got a point," Jet said. "Okay, we'll land on that planet over there-"

Jet pointed.

"And Edward will get food," Jet said.

  
"Sounds good," Faye said.

"Yaaaay!" Edward cheered. "Food for Bebop! Food for Bebop!"

---

The Bebop landed on the strange planet.

"Alright," Jet said. "Ed, go find us some grub."  
  
"Edward will be back soon!" Edward said. "Bye bye!"

  
Edward hopped out of the Bebop and ran off in search of food.

  
"Ein, you can come too!" Edward said. Ein barked and ran off with Edward.

"Think they'll come back in one piece?" Faye asked.

"Not bloody likely," Spike said.

---

****

Session 17: Samba No. 5

---

Edward skipped through the desert landscape with Ein by her side.

  
"No food yet," Edward said. "Awww…"  


After walking some more, Edward and Ein happened upon an African-American man and an African-American woman talking.

"You still owe me that money," the woman said.

"You owe me my shrooms!" the man said.

"Oooh! Mushrooms!" Edward said happily. "Ein, didja hear that? Didja didja?"  
  
Ein barked.

"I'll give you the shrooms when you give me the money," the woman said.

"You've got enough money!" the man said. "But I don't got enough shrooms. Ya dig? Gimme my shrooms!"  


"No," the woman said, climbing into her car. "You give me that money, and I'll think about giving you the shrooms."

The woman turned the key in the car's ignition.

  
"Oooh, Ein, let's follow her, okay?" Edward said. Ein barked. The girl and the dog hopped into the trunk of the African-American woman's car as it drove off.

---

The car drove up to a small town. A policeman approached the car.

"Good morning, officer," the woman said.

"Hello there," the officer said. "How are you doing today?"  
  
"Not bad," the woman said.

"Now, you know the deal. You're black, so we've gotta completely search your car," the cop said.

"That's racial profiling!" the woman protested.

"Now now, ever since that black guy stole a cookie from the cookie jar, we've had to completely search the cars of every African-American that comes into this town," the cop said.

"But what about those two white dudes that blew up that abortion clinic, killing fifty people? Or that one white guy that went into a bar and shot everyone there? Or-" 

"Let's not bring white people into this," the cop said. "Now let's see what you've got in the trunk."  
  
The cop popped open the trunk, revealing Ed and Ein, who had fallen asleep inside.

  
"Hey," the cop said. "You've got kids in here."

"Wha?" the woman said.

  
"You're a dirty kidnapper," the cop said. "I'm taking you in."  
  
Suddenly, a shady-looking white guy's car drove past. The cop waved to him. 

  
"Good morning, sir," the cop said. "Go on through."  
  
"Thank you," the shady-looking white guy said. Suddenly, the trunk popped open to reveal a teenaged girl who had been in the trunk.

  
"Help me!" the girl yelled as the car drove past. "He kidnapped me!"

The trunk snapped shut.

  
"Hey," the African-American woman said. "Aren't you gonna stop that guy?"  
  
"Why would I do that?" the cop asked. "He's white."

While the cop was busy taking the woman into custody, Edward and Ein popped out of the trunk and ran off.

---

In the town…

  
"Tra la la, skipping through town!" Edward sang to herself. Ein nuzzled Edward's leg. 

Suddenly, Edward spotted a man's watermelon booth. She walked up to it.

"Hello!" Edward said. "May Edward please have a watermelon?"  
  
"If Edward has money," the man said.

  
"No, Edward doesn't have any…" Edward sighed. "But may Ed have one for free?"  
  
"I'm running a business here," the man said. "Not one of those bleeding-heart hippie free stores. Ya dig? We don't run things that way on Republica, the Republican Republic!"  
  
"So that's why that cop was racist," Edward said. "And that's why you're making fun of hippies!"

"Bingo," the man said. "By the way, vote for George Bush V! Oh wait, the voting age here is 30. Sorry."

---

Meanwhile, in the police station…

"Okay, you'd better explain yourself!" the police chief said.

"Well, you see…" the woman said. She pulled out a flash flare. "Bye!"

The woman tossed the flare at the chief.

"Argh!" the chief yelled. "I'm blinded!"

The woman ran out of the police station, got into the chief's cruiser, and drove off.

---

Meanwhile, Edward and Ein were still looking for food.

"Edward is soooooo hungry," Edward said. 

Ein barked.

  
"Ed knows, but-"  
  
Edward tripped over something. She fell to the ground.

"Ow!" Edward said. "Edward tripped! What's that?"  
  
It appeared to be a large basket of mushrooms. Edward picked it up.

"Mushrooms!" Edward said. "It's food!"

---

Back at the Bebop…

"Wow, gotta hand it to ya," Spike said. "You found food."  
  
Spike ate one of the mushrooms.

  
"These aren't bad," Faye said.  
  
"Good work," Jet said. "You've earned your keep."  
  
Spike, Faye, and Jet began eating the mushrooms.

"Here ya go, Ein!" Edward said, feeding one of the mushrooms to Ein. "Now it's Edward's turn!"  
  
Edward picked up one of the mushrooms. She sniffed it.

  
"Hey, wait," Edward said. "This mushroom smells kinda funny!"

"Funny mushrooms?" Spike said. "That's insane. There's no way that-"  
  
Spike's eyes took on a vacant look.

  
"I'm trippin' out, man…" Spike said.

"Me too," Faye said. "Whooooa…"  
  
Jet and Ein also began to "trip out".

---

THE HALLUCINATIONS-

Spike floated inside a giant bubble.

"This is paradise," Spike said. Suddenly, a huge bunny appeared.

"Roar!" the bunny roared.

"Whoa," Spike said. "Giant bunny."  
  
The bunny roared again.

  
"Mean giant bunny!" Spike yelled. "Mommmmmmy!"  


---

Faye sat up in her bed. Several very good-looking men were in the bed with her.

"Wow," Faye said. "Derek Zoolander, Michael Jordan, and Michael Jackson. This is great!"  
  
Suddenly, the good-looking men all turned into giant bunnies.

"Oh crap!" Faye yelled. "Giant bunnies!"  
  
---

Jet was in a police outfit on the show _COPS_.

"We've got a 10-50," Jet said into his radio.

  
"No," another cop said. "It's a 10-51."  
  
"What's a 10-51?" Jet asked.

"Giant bunny attack," the cop said.

  
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Jet yelled.

---

A giant bunny began chewing on Ein.

  
"Woof woof woof!" Ein barked.

END HALLUCINATIONS-

Outside the Bebop…

  
"Edward's gotta find out who those bad mushrooms belong too so Ed can stop them!" Edward said. She continued to run until she saw a train that was being loaded up with mushrooms.

"Finally I get my shrooms!" said the African-American man from earlier.

  
"And I get my money!" the African-American woman said.

  
"No, you don't!" Edward yelled. "Edward's gonna stop you!"

"Yikes!" the woman yelled. "It's Pretty Sammy!"  
  
"No," the man said. "It's just a dumb redhead girl."  
  
"Let's run anyway!" the woman said. The man and the woman hopped onto the top of the train as it drove off.

"Hey!" Edward yelled. "Edward's coming after you!"  
  
Edward hopped onto the top of the train.

__

Let's kick the beat!

The mushroom dealers ran on the tops of the train cars. Edward followed them.

__

Listen to the rhythm tracks!

"Edward's gonna catch you!" Edward yelled.

  
"Run from the kid!" the woman said. The man and woman continued to run.

__

Afghanistan! Iraq! Baghdad! Kandahar!

Kabul! Palestine! Just bring us back to...

The man and woman continued to run until they reached a dead end. Edward cornered them.

  
"Now you're all Edward's!" Edward yelled.

__

Mushroom hunting! Mushroom hunting! 

"Crap, we've got nowhere to run," the woman said. "Stop the train!"  


The train stopped. The man and woman hopped off… right into the hands of law enforcement.

"Yay!" Edward yelled. "You're under arrest!"

  
Edward did a victory dance on the top of the train.

---

Later…

"And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that meddling kid!" the woman said.

"Yeah!" the man said.

"Wait a sec," Edward said. "Wouldn't the black people being bad guys make this a racist Blaxploitation fic?"  
  
"Not really," the cop said. "You see…"  
  
The cop took off his mask to reveal that he was, in fact, black.

  
"And the bad guys are white trailer trash," the cop said. "See?"  
  
The cop took off the man and woman's masks to reveal that they were, in fact, white trailer trash.

  
"But affirmative action's just as racist as Blaxploitation," Edward said.   
  
"Trying to make everybody happy is like trying to… uh… do something that's impossible," the cop said. "You just can't do it."

---

Back at the Bebop…

"Look what Edward brought back!" Edward said. "More mushrooms!"  
  
"But those mushrooms are bad," Spike said. "They made us trip out."  
  
"Yeah," Faye said. "Get those away from us."

Suddenly, the cop from earlier walked up to the Bebop crew.

"Hey," the cop said. "Can I see your mushrooms?"  
  
"Sure," Edward said.

  
"No!" Spike yelled.  
  
"They're bad mushrooms," Faye said. "Please don't arrest us, Mr. Cop!"

The cop walked over and inspected the mushrooms.

  
"No, they're good mushrooms," the cop said. "They're shitake mushrooms. They're yummy."  
  
"See!" Edward said. "Edward knows what mushrooms are good!"  
  
"You didn't before," Jet said.

"By the way," Faye said, "if all the mushrooms around here were bad, how did you end up with good ones?"  
  
"Edward doesn't know, Faye-Faye! But can we just eat?" Edward asked.

"This is all a bunch of shitake," Spike said.

__

See you, space cowgirl...

---

Spike: On the next episode, we get to see even more of Faye's past!  


Jet: And Chibi Faye!

Edward: Isn't Chibi Chibi Faye-Faye cute?

Spike: Chibi Chibi Faye-Faye!  


Jet: Chibi Chibi Faye-Faye!  


Edward: Chibi Chibi Faye-Faye, we love you!

Faye: STOP IT!

  
Edward: Next episode of Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Chibi Chibi Faye-Faye!"  


Faye: *shakes her head in disgust*


	18. Chibi Chibi Faye Faye

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own the rights to crazy nerd people! So feel free to use crazy nerd people in your stories!

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now. 

--- 

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"Hey Faye!" Jet yelled. "You got mail!"  
  
Faye ran up to Jet.

  
"Mail? For me?" Faye asked.

"Yep," Jet said.

"But before you can have it," Spike said, "you've gotta pay Jet the 13,000 wulongs it took to get it here."  
  
"What?" Faye asked.

"Or, you and I can spend a night in the-" Spike said before Faye cut him off by slapping him.

"No way!" Faye said. "Keep your stupid package!" 

Faye looked at it closer.

"Besides, it's got no return address," Faye said. "It could have anthrax in it. No thanks."  
  
Faye started to leave.

  
"Where are you going?" Jet asked.

"Like I said, I don't want to get anthrax," Faye said, leaving the Bebop.

"Suit yourself," Jet said.

  
"You want to get anthrax?" Spike asked.

"Yes," Jet said. "Er, I mean no!"

"I'm opening the package," Spike said.   
  
"What if it has anthrax?" Jet said.

  
"I'm dead anyway," Spike said.

"Oh yeah, I forgot. The whole 'my girlfriend is dead, I've got nothing to live for' thing," Jet said.

  
"Exactly," Spike said, taking out a knife and cutting open the package. "No anthrax. Just… a thing."  
  
Spike removed the "thing", a videotape, out of the package.

"What is this?" Spike said.

---

****

Session 18: Chibi Chibi Faye-Faye

---

"Looks like a big plastic thing with tape in it," Jet said. "Only the tape's not sticky."  
  
"Must be one of those new dispensers," Spike said. "Or maybe it's a device for decorating parties with."  
  
"Decorating parties?" Jet said. "Spike…"  
  
"I don't know what it is," Spike said.

  
"I know a good way to find out," Jet said. "I'm gonna take it to Earth and sell it. They love that crazy stuff on Earth."  
  
"Yeah," Spike said. "Earth sucks."  
  
"Heh heh," Jet laughed.

  
"Heh heh," Spike repeated.

"Heh heh."  
  
"Heh heh."  
  
"Heh heh."  
  
"Heh heh."

---

On Earth…

"I've gotta find out what this thing is," Jet said, carrying the tape through the streets of a city. "And why it was sent to Faye."  
  
"Maybe Faye's crazy," Spike said.

"Well duh," Jet said. "We all know that. But what is this thing? I'm curious."  
  
"Because you're in love with Faye?" Spike asked.

"No, you are," Jet said.

"Whatever," Spike said. 

  
Finally, Spike and Jet arrived at the door of a small store. A sign on the door said "Will Buy Anything".

"Will buy anything?" Jet asked. "This looks like a good place."  
  
Spike and Jet walked into the store.

---

Inside the store was a huge collection of relics from the 20th and 21st Century. There was a very nerdy-looking man at the back of the store who appeared to be watching TV. Spike and Jet walked up to him.

"Hey," Spike said.

  
"What'll you give us for this?" Jet asked. He plunked the tape down in front of the man.

  
"Well, let's see here…" the man said. His eyes grew wide. "OH MY GOD!"  
  
"What is it?" Jet asked. "Is it anthrax?"  
  
"No, it's better than anthrax!" the man said. "It's… Beta!"  
  
"Beta?" Jet asked.

"Hey, is that a lump in your pants?" Spike asked.

  
"No time for that now!" the man yelled. "It's Beta! Beta Beta Beta Beta Beta!"  
  
"What's Beta?" Spike asked.

"Isn't Beta the second letter of the Greek alphabet?" Jet asked.

"No, you idiot! Beta is the Greatest. Recording. Format. Ever!" the man screamed. "Before the days of high-definition TV, fancy holograms, and DVDs, people used videocassettes to record stuff!"  
  
"Like porn?" Jet asked.

"Yes, but they recorded other things too!" the man said. "Like soap operas!"  
  
"Soap operas with porn?" Jet asked.

"Well, this one I'm watching is… never mind!" the man said. "Anyway, videocassettes were analog, unlike DVDs, which are digital!"  
  
"Ana-what?" Spike asked.

"There were two types of videocassettes. Beta and VHS! VHS was fine and dandy, except for the fact that it completely, utterly sucked. But Beta…"  
  
The lump in the nerdy man's pants grew.

  
"BETA WAS THE GREATEST THING EVER! BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP YOUR GOD, THE MIGHTY BETA!" the man yelled, bowing down to the Beta cassette.

"O….kay," Jet said. "So, how much will you give us for it?"  
  
"6,000 wulongs," the man said.

  
"Fine, we'll take it," Jet said.

  
"But first, I wanna see what's on it!" the man said, popping the tape into a Beta tape player. "See, these only run on Beta players, and this is the only one. It's absolutely irreplaceable."  
  
The man pressed "Play".

---

The videotape showed a very young girl. She was standing next to a lake of some sort, her back facing the camera. She began to turn around.

"Who's that?" Spike asked.

But just before she turned around, the screen began to flash with static.

"Hey!" the man yelled. "It's broken!"

"I know how to fix it," Spike said. He took out his gun and shot the Beta VCR, destroying it, but leaving the cassette unharmed. It popped out, and Jet grabbed it.

  
"Spike," Jet said, "shooting things doesn't always fix them."  
  
"378 out of 379 isn't bad," Spike said.

  
"You… you wrecked my Beta!" the man yelled, his eyes welling up with tears. "My only love!"  
  
The man put his head into his hands and cried.

"You killed my Beta! You'll be sorry!" the nerdy man yelled.

"Whatever," Spike said. "Let's go, Jet."  
  
"Alrighty," Jet said, leaving the store with Spike.

  
"Come back here!" the man shrieked. "You killed my wife, and you'll pay! YOU'LL PAY!!!"

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"So, Jet, what do we do now?" Spike asked.

"I still wanna see what's on that tape," Jet said.

"Sounds good to me," Spike said. "Because I'm bored, ya know?"  
  
"Yeah," Jet said. "Bored." 

  
"Heh heh," Spike laughed.

"Let's not do that again," Jet said.

---

In an abandoned museum on Earth…

"So you're sure there's a Beta VCR in here?" Jet asked.

"I'm positive," Spike said.   
  
"Why's that?" Jet asked.

"Because of the sign, stupid," Spike said. 

He pointed to a huge, 100-foot high sign that said "BETA VCRs HERE!"

"Oh," Jet said. "Wonder why they'd have a huge sign like that?"  
  
"To save someone some trouble," Spike said.

  
"Who?" Jet asked.

"I dunno," Spike said. "Guys like us."  
  
"I see," Jet said.

Jet and Spike went deeper into the museum. Eventually, they reached the electronics exhibit.

"This is the place," Spike said.

  
"Hey, it's all dark in here. Where's the Beta?" Jet asked.

  
"I dunno, just grab one!" Spike yelled.

"But what if we grab a VHS instead?" Jet said.

  
"I said, just grab one!" Spike yelled. "There's no way it could be a VHS."

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

  
"Well, let's do this thing!" Spike said. He popped the Beta tape into the cassette player. Or at least he attempted to.

  
"It won't fit," Jet said.   
  
"That's because it's VHS!" came a cute voice from behind Spike and Jet. It belonged to Edward. "Beta won't play on VHS, silly-sillies! Nope nope!"  
  
Ed preceded to do cartwheels around Jet and Spike. Then, she cartwheeled out of the room.

"See, I told you we shouldn't have grabbed one without looking!" Jet said. "But nooo…"

"Hey, it was a 50-50 shot," Spike said.

"Your luck really sucks today," Jet said. "That does it. I give up."  
  
Ed ran back into the room, carrying a large package.

"Package for Faye-Faye!" Edward said.

"Package for Jet," Jet said. He opened the package.

"Oooh," Edward cooed. "Beta!"

"Wonder who it came from?" Jet asked.

"It's got a name on it this time," Spike said. "It's from some guy named Ry Sen-"

Faye walked into the room.

  
"I'm back!" Faye said. "You wouldn't believe the crazy adventure I had! This big nerdy guy kidnapped me and took me to his shop, saying that he wanted revenge for his wife! Her name was Betty or something, I don't remember. Anyway, there I was, about to be killed, when this really muscular and handsome guy bursts through the roof! He had blonde hair and blue eyes, and there was this strange aura about him! He used this attack called a Kemmy-Hemmy-Hack or something, and anyway, he rescued me! And now I'm here!"  
  
"Yeah right, Faye," Spike said. "Stop making stuff up."  
  
"I'm seriously telling the truth!" Faye said.

"Whatever," Spike said. "We're about to watch your tape. But you can't watch."  
  
"Why not?" Faye asked.

  
"Because you didn't pay for it," Jet said. 

  
"Fine," Faye said. "I don't want to see it."  
  
Faye walked out of the room. Ed hooked up the Beta to the Bebop's TV.

  
"All set!" Edward said. "Let's watch!"  
  
Jet popped in the Beta tape. Meanwhile, Faye was watching from just outside the room.

---

A small girl was standing beside a lake. She turned around. It was the adorable Chibi Faye!  


"I'm making this tape for-" Chibi Faye said, before several giggles were heard in the background.

"What's wrong, Faye?" asked an off-screen voice that sounded like it belonged to another girl.

"Nothing," Chibi Faye said. "Let me finish!"  
  
Chibi Faye began dancing cutely on the screen.

  
"Yay! Yay! Yay!" Chibi Faye said. 

The scene ended. Another scene began. Now it appeared that Chibi Faye was standing inside a small bedroom.

"This tape is addressed to me in the future! Anyway… even though you might wake up from cryogenic sleep on a postapocolyptic Earth, and then be conned by a con artist, and then be captured by the Vanilla Coke Mafia, and then end up inside a bounty hunter ship, and go on a bunch of crazy adventures, just remember that you're still Faye-Faye, and we're on the same team! Yay! Yay! Yay! Go me! Me! Wooo!" Chibi Faye cheered and began dancing on the screen. The tape ended.

---

"Wow," Spike said. "That really… sucked?"  
  
"Yeah," Jet said.

  
Faye gasped.

"That sucked, Jet," Spike said.

"Heh heh," Jet laughed.

  
"Heh heh," Spike laughed.

  
"Heh heh."  
  
"Heh heh."  
  
"Heh heh."  
  
"Heh heh."  
  
"Heh heh."  
  
"Heh heh."  
  
"Hey Spike," Jet said.

  
"Yeah, Jet?" Spike asked.

  
"That sucked."  


__

Heh heh… heh heh…

---

Spike: Next time on the Funny Sessions, you get to find out where my fighter comes from!

Faye: What about my fighter?

  
Spike: The Redtail sucks.

  
Jet: Heh heh.

  
Spike: Stop that.

Faye: I want a Redtail episode!  


Spike: Sorry, Faye.

  
Ed: Faye-Faye always gets the shaft!  
  
Faye: I HATE THIS!  


Spike: Next episode, "Wild Seahorses"!

Faye: This sucks.

  
Jet: Heh heh.


	19. Wild Seahorses

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own Beavis and Butthead, or the sport of couch fishing. Heh heh, lawyers suck.

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now. 

Special Tribute: This session of Cowboy Bebop: The Funny Sessions is dedicated to the people that died on September 11, 2001 in the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, as well as the heroic NYPD and FDNY personnel that saved countless thousands of lives, and the passengers aboard Flight 93 who fought off terrorists so that more tragedy could be prevented. We salute you all.

--- 

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

Jet was sitting by the window with an amused smirk on his face. Edward cartwheeled up to him.

  
"Ooooh!" Edward said. "What'cha doin' there, Jet-person?"  
  
"I'm playing couch fishing," Jet said. "It's fun."  
  
"Couch fishing?" Edward asked.

"Faye's the bait," Jet said, laughing.

---

The Redtail floated out in space. Faye was sitting inside, looking very angry.

"I can't believe I'm being used as bait for couch fishing," Faye groaned. "This is so degrading."  
  
Faye sighed. She picked up the radio in her ship and called Jet.

"Hey!" Faye yelled. "I don't like this!"  
  
"Shut up," Jet said. "You suck. Heh heh."  
  
"Stop that!" Faye yelled. "Why don't you get Spike to be your bait?"  
  
"Spike's my best friend," Jet said. "You're not. Besides, Spike's on Earth getting the Swordfish looked at."  
  
"That's not fair," Faye said. "I want to go to Earth right now to get the Redtail looked at."  
  
"It doesn't work that way," Jet said. "You're going to be my couch fishing bait and you're going to like it. Maybe we'll catch a big fat guy or something."  
  
"This is NOT fair," Faye grumbled.

"Quit your whining," Jet said. "Fine, I'm coming out there to help you out. But you still gotta be the bait."

---

****

Session 19: Wild Seahorses

---

On a small settlement on Planet Earth…

"Yes!" yelled a young teenage boy listening to a small radio. "Go Blue Sox!"  
  
"And it's the bottom of the ninth," the announcer said. "Bases loaded, and the score is tied at 77. Now, here comes the star of the Blue Sox, Barry Bonds IV! He's hit 769 homers so far this season, including nine today! He's only used four bottles of performance enhancing drugs today, so he's playing almost completely without outside help!"  
  
"Why did Barry have to skip those last seven bottles?" the boy said. "We'll lose for sure now. He only thinks of himself nowadays."  
  
"And Barry swings…" the announcer said, "and… oh my gosh, it's going, going, gone! Blue Sox win! Blue Sox win!"  


"Alright!" the boy yelled. "Blue Sox!"

  
"Miles, are you gonna listen to the Blue Sox all day, or are you gonna help me out?" yelled an old man's voice from inside a large garage.   
  
"Sorry, Doohan," Miles said. "But I just love the Blue Sox!"  
  
Doohan sighed.

"The Anaheim Pagan Idols are better," Doohan said.

"Are not!" Miles protested. "The Blue Sox are gonna win it all this season! I know it!"  
  
The wind around the settlement began to kick up as Spike's Swordfish drove up to the garage.

"What's that?" Miles asked.

"I don't believe it," Doohan said. "Spike!"  
  
"Spike?" Miles said.

Spike landed the Swordfish in the garage and hopped out.

"Hey there, Doohan," Spike said.

"What brings you back here?" Doohan asked.

"You know, the usual. I came to get my yearly check-up," Spike said.

"Okay, just don't take off your pants this time," Doohan said. Spike and Doohan began laughing.

"I mean the ship," Spike said, still laughing. "Man, you're an funny as ever."  
  
"I didn't hear anything funny," Miles said.

  
"Shut up," Doohan said. "I'm talking to someone."  
  
"He always says that," Miles grumbled under his breath.

---

Meanwhile, out in space, three space pirates were floating around in their spaceship, looking for things to harpoon. Two of the pirates were male, and one was female.

"I like harpooning things, George." the male space pirate said.

  
"Yeah, me too, Harmon." the other male space pirate said.  
  
"Harpooning things rules," Harmon said.

  
"Yeah, it does," George said.

  
"Heh heh."   
  
"Heh heh."  
  
"Heh heh."  
  
"Heh heh."  
  
"WOULD YOU TWO STOP?" the female space pirate yelled. "We've got more important things to attend to!"  
  
"Like what, Ruth?" George said.

"Do you know why we harpoon things?" Ruth asked.

"Because it rules?" Harmon asked.

"No! We harpoon ships because it gives them viruses! And then we steal from them!" Ruth yelled.

"So we're like Team Rocket, then?" Harmon asked.

"Because Team Rocket rules," George said.

  
"No! We're like space pirates!" Ruth yelled. She pointed at the Redtail, which was floating out in space. "Now harpoon that ship!"

---

Meanwhile, Faye, in the Redtail, was unaware of the space pirates about to take the bait. Jet, who was in the Hammerhead, was floating a small distance away from her.

  
"Hey Jet," Faye said, "I'm going back."  
  
"No way," Jet said. "I'm not stopping my game of couch fishing because of you. Besides, we caught something. Look."  
  
"Huh?" Faye said, turning around and seeing the space pirate ship. "Well, what do ya know?"  
  
Suddenly, the ship fired its harpoon, right through the Redtail.

  
"Yikes!" Faye yelled. "I can't control the ship!"

The Redtail began firing on Jet's Hammerhead.

"What the heck?" Jet yelled.

  
"I told you, I can't control the Bebop!" Faye yelled.

"Crap, we are royally screwed," Jet said. "This sucks."

---

"Alright!" George yelled. "We got her!"

  
"Heh heh," Harmon said.

"Stop that," Ruth said. She looked at the Bebop. "Now harpoon that big… uh… ship thingy!"

"You got it!" Harmon said, firing another virus harpoon at the Bebop. It went right through, sending a virus into the Bebop's system. "Bwahaha! Sucks to be you!"

The space pirates flew off.

"This sucks," Faye said.

"Heh heh," Jet laughed.

---

Back on Earth…

"There ya go," Doohan said. "I repaired the Swordfish."  
  
"What did you repair?" Spike asked.

"Well, I repaired all the wheels," Doohan said. "And… uh… that's about it."  
  
"The wheels didn't need fixing," Spike said.

  
"Well, I've sorta gotten into the habit up fixing people's wheels when they don't need them," Doohan said. "So I can charge them more."  
  
Spike laughed.

  
"I'm serious," Doohan said.

"Oh," Spike said. 

  
Suddenly, the phone rang.

  
"It's probably from one of my customers," Doohan said. "They call and cuss me out every day. 'Doohan, you (bleep) ripped me off!' or '(bleep) you, Doohan!' Stuff like that."  
  
Doohan picked up the phone.

"Uh huh," Doohan said. "I see."  
  
"Who is it?" Spike asked.

"It's your friends," Doohan said. "They're in trouble."

Spike took the phone.

  
"Hello?" Spike said.

---

"Spike, you there?" Jet asked.

"Tell him about the pirates!" Faye yelled.

"Pirates?" Spike said.

"Yeah," Jet said. "They harpooned the Bebop and the Red Tail, and now we've got a virus."

"How do you get a virus from a harpoon?" Spike asked.

  
"I don't know, but-" Jet said before Edward grabbed the phone from him.

"You see, the tip of the harpoon's programmed with a computer-virus thingy that uses the ship's electricity to inject the Bebop-bop with a virus!" Edward said. Jet grabbed the phone back.

  
"Don't do that again," Jet said.

"I see," Spike said. "I'll be right there."  


---

Spike hung up the phone.

"Well, I gotta go, Doohan," Spike said. "The dorks back on the Bebop need me."

"Yeah, they suck," Doohan said,

"Heh heh," Spike laughed.

"Heh heh," Doohan laughed.

  
"Hey, don't you guys think the Beavis and Butthead gags are being ran into the ground?" Miles asked. "I mean-"  
  
"You suck," Spike said.

"Heh heh," Doohan laughed.

---

Back on the Bebop…

"So you have to single-handedly save the day by catching the pirates and ridding us of the virus," Jet said.

"If anyone can do it, Spike-person can!" Edward cheered.

  
"Yeah," Faye said. "Besides, I love you. And you have to save the woman you love."  
  
"I love you too, Faye," Spike said. Spike and Faye looked at each other… and collapsed to the ground in pain.

"What the heck are you two doing?" Jet asked.

"I hate Faye," Spike said.

  
"I hate Spike," Faye said.

  
"Gooood for you!" Edward said.

---

Meanwhile, out in space…

"Now that they're under the virus' control, we can finish them off!" Ruth yelled.

"Because they suck?" George asked.

  
"Yes, because they suck," Ruth said.

  
"Heh heh," Harmon laughed. "They suck."  
  
Ruth sighed. Suddenly, Spike's Swordfish flew out of the Bebop.

  
"It's time to clean up the juvenile trash in this town," Spike said. "You guys are going down."  
  
"Uh oh!" Ruth said.

  
"This sucks," George said.

  
"Yeah, this sucks," Harmon said.

  
"Stop doing that and fire the freaking harpoons!" Ruth yelled.

"Oh, right!" George said. "Fire!"

  
Hundreds of harpoons began shooting at Spike. Of course, being the flying expert that he was, he managed to avoid them all, except for one. 

"Crap!" Spike yelled. "Now I have to actually fly this thing instead of letting a computer do it for me."  
  
Spike flicked a switch, and the Bebop began flying manually… right toward Earth.  
  
"Crap on a crap cracker!" Spike yelled. "The Earth's gravity is pulling my ship in!"  
  
"Bwahaha!" George yelled. "You suck!"  
  
"Heh heh," Harmon laughed. "Heh-"  
  
The space pirates' ship collided with a chunk of the moon, killing them all.

"Serves them right," Spike said. "But I've still gotta dodge all the meteors and somehow make it back to the Bebop! There's no way I can do it!"  
  
Spike began wailing like a little baby as the Swordfish careened toward Earth.

---

Back on Earth…

  
"Spike's in trouble!" Doohan yelled.

"I managed to buy the space shuttle off of Ebay," Miles said. "Would that help Spike?"  
  
"Eh, it's worth a shot," Doohan said.

---

Back out in space…

"I don't wanna die!" Spike yelled as the Swordfish hurtled toward Earth. "I don't-"  
  
Suddenly, the Swordfish was grabbed by the space shuttle's mecha arm.

"Wow," Spike said. "I'm not going to die!"  
  
"Well, of course you're not!" Doohan said. "I saved you!"  
  
"I helped," Miles said. "I spent 100 wulongs on Ebay for this space shuttle."  
  
"Shut up, Miles," Doohan said. "I did all the saving."  
  
"You suck, Miles," Spike said.

  
"Heh heh," Doohan laughed.

  
"Heh heh," Spike laughed.

"Heh heh," Doohan laughed.

"I'm in a sea of idiots," Miles said to himself.

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"What'cha doing, Jet?" Spike asked. Jet was busy working on something. Spike couldn't see what Jet was working on.  
  
"I'm gonna try couch fishing again," Jet said. "With the same bait. But it'll be better this time."

  
"Why's that, Jet?" Spike asked. 

  
Jet stepped to the side to reveal Faye, who was in a spacesuit and tied to the Bebop's robotic arm.

"I hate this!" Faye yelled.

  
"Stop your whining," Jet said. "You've got to earn your keep on this ship."  
  
"I don't want to be the bait again!" Faye yelled. "I- mmmph!"

  
Jet had stuffed a sock into Faye's mouth. He put a space helmet on her head and positioned the robotic arm outside the ship.

"Couch fishing rules," Jet said.

"Yeah," Spike said.

"Heh heh," Jet laughed.

  
"Heh heh," Spike laughed.

  
"Heh heh," Jet laughed.

"Heh heh," Spike laughed

"Heeheheheheheheheheeeeeeee!" Edward giggled, laughing like a hyena.

  
"Stop that," Spike said.

__

See you, space cowboy…

---

Spike: Next episode, we promise not to use any more Beavis and Butthead references!

Jet: Yeah, it's just creepy references to Batman.

  
Spike: How is Batman creepy?  
  
Edward: Mark Hamill-person creeps me out!

  
Spike: Luke Skywalker?  
  
Jet: *sighs* I don't get to do anything next episode…

  
Spike: Ha ha!

Faye: Mmmph!  
  
Spike: You still got her out there, Jet?  
  
Jet: I'll untie her in time for the next episode, I swear!

Spike: See that you do. 

Jet: Because you love her?  
  
Edward: Ooooh!  
  
Spike: Argh! No! Next episode of Bebop: The Funny Sessions: "What The Fou?"

Jet: What the fou is that supposed to mean?  
  
Spike: I dunno. 


	20. What The Fou?

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own Batman: The Animated Series, or the characters in that. I also don't own Star Wars, or any of those characters. Wow, this is gonna be a crossover.

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now. 

--- 

In a dark alley in a crime-filled city, a meeting was taking place. Five gangsters were meeting up with a crazy, well-dressed fat guy.

"So, Mr. Pierrot, do we have a deal?" the leader of the gangsters asked.

"Yes, we have a deal," the crazy fat guy said, twirling an umbrella around.

"Why are you twirling around that umbrella?" the leader of the gangsters asked.

"You'll find that out… right now! Mwahaha!" 

  
The fat guy laughed evilly as he began shooting the gansters with his umbrella.

  
"Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!" the fat guy yelled, continuing to shoot the gangsters. "Mwahahaha!"

Soon, all five gangsters were dead.

"The leprechaun told me to burn things! Mwahahahaha!" the fat guy laughed, starting to walk away. But before he could, guess who walked up to him? It was Spike! Duh.

"Hey," Spike said. "You can't do that."  
  
"Mwahahaha!" the fat man laughed evilly.

"Say something," Spike said.

  
"Mwahahahaha!" the fat man laughed.

"Stop that," Spike said. Suddenly, the fat man did a somersault, kicking Spike in the chin. Spike stumbled back.

"Mwahahaha!" the fat man laughed, continuing to kick the crap out of Spike.

  
"Ow! Ow! Ow! That hurts!" Spike yelled. He turned around and started to run.  
  
"Mwahahaha!" the fat man laughed, smashing his umbrella over Spike's head. "Mwahahaha!"

The fat man began beating Spike repeatedly with the umbrella.

  
"Have mercy," Spike said, trying to crawl away as the fat man continued to beat him with the umbrella.

"Mwahaha!" the fat man yelled, continuing to beat Spike. "Mwaha-"  
  
A cat crossed in front of the fat man's path.

  
"Eeeee!" the fat man screamed. He bolted from the scene, leaving the barely alive Spike unconscious in the street.

---

****

Session 20: What The Fou?

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"Yeah, you're lucky I found you," Faye said. Spike was lying on a table, completely bandaged up.

"Mmmph mmmph," Spike mumbled through the bandages that had been placed over his mouth.

  
"Yeah, you are a pretty lucky guy," Faye said. "Because if I hadn't found you-"  
  
"Gmmp hmmph," Spike mumbled.

"Hey," Faye said. "That's not a very nice thing to say to the woman that saved your life."  
  
"Hmmmph mmmph," Spike mumbled.

"Hey! We don't use that kind of language on the Bebop!" Faye yelled.

"Mmmph," Spike said.

  
"Look, if you're just gonna sit there and cuss me out, I'm leaving," Faye said. She started to walk away. But before she reached the door, someone tapped her on the shoulder. It was Spike. Most of his bandages had been removed.

"Hey there, Faye," Spike said.

"How can you recover so fast?" Faye asked.

"I just can," Spike said. "I can do anything I want. I'm Spike Spiegel, for God's sake."  
  
"You can't kill people," Faye said.

  
"Actually, I've killed a lot of people in the last nineteen sessions," Spike said.

"Is that a threat?" Faye asked.

  
"No," Spike said. Jet walked into the room.

  
"Hey, Spike," Jet said. "Glad to see you've almost recovered."  
  
"Hey there, Jet," Spike said. 

"I heard you got your butt kicked by Mad Pierrot. Welp, it was nice knowing you. Can I have your stereo?" Jet asked.

"Wait a second," Spike said. "Mad Pierrot? Who's that?"  
  
"He's a crazy fat guy that runs around killing people," Jet said. "If he fails to kill someone, he hunts them down until he finishes the job."  


"Ha ha!" Faye laughed. "Can I have your TV?"  


"Hey Jet," Spike said. "You can have my stereo if you tie her to the robotic arm again and leave her out there."  
  
"Oooh!" Jet said.   
  
"Don't even think about it!" Faye yelled, running into the next room.

  
"I was just joking," Spike said.   
  
"Darn," Jet said.

  
"Besides, you aren't getting my stereo anyway. I'm Spike Spiegel, and I will NEVER die. Ever," Spike said.

  
"Never ever?" Jet asked.

  
"Nope," Spike said. "No matter what."  
  
"Yay!" Edward said, cartwheeling into the room. "Spike-person's never going to die! And Edward and Ein will never leave the Bebop!"  
  
"Yay!" Spike, Jet, and Ed cheered in unison. Faye walked into the room.

"And I'm never getting my memory back!" Faye said.

  
"Yay!" Spike, Jet, Ed, and Faye cheered.

---

Some time later…

"Hey Spike," Faye said. "That Pierrot guy e-mailed you."  
  
"What does the e-mail say?" Spike asked.

"It says that you suck," Faye said. "It also says that you and your mom are morons."

"Standard e-mail flame," Spike said.

  
"And he also challenges you to a battle to the death in a Mars amusement park," Faye said. "You gonna go?"  
  
"Nope," Spike said. "Not until he apologizes."  
  
"Then I'm gonna go," Faye said. "I'm gonna go kill Mad Pierrot."  
  
"You can't! It's too dangerous! I love you!" Spike yelled.

"Really?" Faye asked. "Because I love you too."

Spike and Faye facefaulted.

  
"Er," Spike said. "Uh… I'm gonna go fight Mad Pierrot. Alone."  
  
"I'm coming too," Faye said. "I love you."  
  
Faye facefaulted again.

"I mean, I'm gonna go," Faye said. "To get myself some personal glory. Ya know?"  
  
"Whatever," Spike said, hopping into the Swordfish.

---

Meanwhile, at an abandoned old Mars amusement park…

The Swordfish parked at the gate. Spike walked inside.

  
"Hello?" Spike yelled. "Anybody here?"  
  
A sinister laughing echoed throughout the park. Spike started to cry like a little baby. 

  
"I'm scared!!!" Spike yelled, tears flowing down his cheeks. "I wanna go home!"  
  
Mad Pierrot swooped down and kicked Spike into the Tunnel of Love.

"Crap!" Spike yelled as the swan he had landed in floated down the tunnel. Mad Pierrot hopped into the Love Tunnel and chased after Spike.

---

Meanwhile, Faye's Redtail had just flown into the amusement park.

  
"I've gotta save Spike from Mad Pierrot!" Faye said. "But why do I feel that something bad is gonna happen?"

Faye's Redtail landed in the park and skidded to a stop over by a bumper car ride. She climbed out.  
  
"Now where is Spike?" Faye asked. Suddenly, a red punching glove slammed into the side of Faye's head. She was knocked out immediately.

"Oh Mr. J.!!!" a female voice yelled. "We've got her!"

---

Meanwhile, Spike was busy dueling with Pierrot in the Tunnel of Love.

"Crap," Spike yelled. "If I don't figure something out, he's gonna kill me!"  
  
Spike's swan arrived at the end of the Tunnel. He hopped out of the swan and ran off. Pierrot gave chase.

  
"Mwahahaha!" Mad Pierrot laughed. He took out his amazing umbrella and fired off several shots at Spike.

  
"He's gonna kill me with an umbrella!" Spike yelled, dodging the bullets. "I don't want to die!"  
  
Spike hopped into a roller coaster ride. It began to take off.

  
"Ha ha!" Spike yelled. "You can't-"  
  
In a surprising feat of agility, Mad Pierrot leaped up ten feet, right into the car behind Spike.

"How do you do that?" Spike yelled.

  
"Mwahaha!" Mad Pierrot laughed. He somersaulted up, kicking Spike into another car on the roller coaster. The roller coaster climbed to the top of the hill.

"Oh no!" Spike yelled. "I suddenly remembered… I'm scared of roller coasters!"  
  
The roller coaster plummeted down the steep hill. Mad Pierrot fired at Spike all the way down. Miraculously, none of the bullets hit Spike! What a miracle!  


"Mwahahaha!" Mad Pierrot laughed.

"I wish he'd stop doing that!" Spike yelled. "It's really giving me the creeps!"

Spike realized that there was only one thing he could do to escape from Mad Pierrot. It was really, really stupid, and probably suicidal, but it was the only thing that he could do to escape from the crazy guy.

"I've gotta jump off," Spike said. "I have to jump off of a roller coaster."  
  
So, Spike jumped out of the roller coaster. He plummeted down fifteen stories, but because he was Spike, he wasn't injured! At all! How cool is that?  
  
"Wow," Spike said, in a VERY surprised tone of voice. Well, no crap. He jumped off a freaking roller coaster and sustained no damage. How COOL IS THAT? "How cool is that?"

"Mwahaha!" Mad Pierrot laughed, leaping off of the roller coaster and landing right next to Spike. Incredibly, Mad Pierrot also wasn't hurt!

"Darn it!" Spike yelled. "I jumped off a roller coaster to get away from you, but it was all in vain! It's not fair!"  
  
Mad Pierrot kicked Spike ten feet into the air. Spike hit the ground and rolled several more feet.

"Well," Spike said, "I'm gonna die. This really sucks."  
  
Mad Pierrot pointed his umbrella gun at Spike. But just before he got to finish Spike off, another cat walked in front of him.

  
"Meow," the cat purred. Pierrot screamed out in fear.

"Now's my chance!" Spike said. Taking advantage of Pierrot's fear of cats, Spike proceeded to fill Pierrot full of lead. 

"Meow," the cat purred, walking away.

"Yay!" Spike said. "I'm alive!"  
  
Suddenly, another sinister laugh echoed through the park.

  
"Oh crap!" Spike yelled. "It's his ghost!"  
  
"Not exactly," the same voice said. A man walked out of the darkness toward Spike. 

"Who are you?" Spike asked.

  
"I'm the Joker," the man said.

"You look like 20th Century actor Mark Hamill," Spike said. 

"No," Hamill said, "I'm The Joker! Batman, don't you remember me?"

"I'm not Batman," Spike said. "What's going on?"  
  
"Argh!" Hamill yelled. "Maybe you've forgotten after all of these years! Well, let me refresh your memory!"  
  
Mark Hamill snapped his fingers. Another woman stepped out of the darkness. The woman was dressed in a red clown costume with white makeup on her face.

"Harley, turn on the ferris wheel!" Hamill said.

  
"You got it, Mr. J.!" Harlequin said. The lights on the ferris wheel turned on. Spike squinted at the ferris wheel. Suddenly, he saw something that made his eyes light up with fear.

"Hey!" Spike yelled. "It's Faye!"  
  
Faye had been strapped to the center of the ferris wheel. Her arms and legs were tied to the spokes of the wheel, and there was a piece of duct tape on her mouth.

"It's your beloved Catwoman, Batman!" Hamill said. "Now do you remember?"  
  
"Look, I'm not Batman, and she's not Catwoman!" Spike yelled. "I'm Spike, and she's Faye! Now let Faye go now!"

"Obviously, Batman doesn't want to fight," Hamill said. "Are you just tired from your fight with Mad Pierrot? In reality, he used to be your friend, Dick Grayson, who I turned into the crazy Mad Pierrot with mind control! Mwahahaha! Robin is dead, and it's all your fault, Batman! Mwahahaha!"

"I don't care," Spike said.

Mark Hamill took a lightsabre out of his pocket and lit it up.

  
"Batman," Hamill said, "I am your father!"  
  
"Oooh, Mr. J.!" Harlequin said. "That's it! Psyche him out! Psyche-"

Suddenly, a shot rang out from behind Harlequin, and she fell over, dead.

"That's for knocking me out," Faye said.

  
"Hey, how did you get free?" Hamill asked.

"I'm Faye Valentine, and I can do whatever I want!" Faye yelled. "Besides, I'm kinda sick of always being a damsel in distress, ya know?"

Faye pointed the gun at Hamill's head.

"You're under arrest!" Faye yelled. "I bet there's a big bounty on you!"  
  
"Crap," Hamill said. 

"Hey," Spike said. "I wanted to save the day."  
  
"You got to kill Pierrot, didn't you?" Faye asked.

  
"Yeah, but-"  
  
"Shut up," Faye said.

__

See you, space cowboy...

---

Faye: *laughing*

  
Spike: Grrr… next time, Jet gets to save the day.

  
Jet: That's right! 

  
Faye: That means the seventh episode in a row where Spike doesn't get to be the hero! First, I saved the day from that womanizer!

  
Jet: Then, I got to bust up the guy that busted my arm!

Edward: Then Edward got to save the day from drug addicts! 

  
Mysterious Guy With A "?" Sack Over His Head Who Sounds Suspiciously Like Ry Senkari: Then I sent Faye that Beta tape!

Doohan: Then I saved Spike with the space shuttle!

Spike: Where did you two come from?  
  
Mysterious Guy and Doohan: Sorry. *they leave*

Faye: Then, I saved Spike and myself from Mark Hamill and the Harlequin!

Jet: And now, I get to save the day from… wait, I can't tell you! That would spoil the next episode!

Spike: Next episode of Bebop: "Boogie Woogie Hong Kong Phooey". 

  
Jet: Starring me.

  
Spike: I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE PROTAGONIST, DAGNABBIT!


	21. Boogie Woogie Hong Kong Phooey

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. Also, although feng shui and chi energy are discussed in this session, you will NOT learn how to fire a Kamehameha in this session. Only I may be trusted with that knowledge, as you all would just abuse it by vaporizing your friends. Sorry. ^_^

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now. 

Note: All of Jet's narration is in italics. So look for the italic text, because that's the funny stuff.

--- 

__

"I guess it all started when I got that crazy e-mail from Pao."

Jet was standing in front of a small cemetery on Mars.

__

"Funny, because I thought Pao was dead. Er, not like that's a bad thing that he's alive, I swear!"

Jet walked into the cemetery and up to Pao's supposed "grave".

__

"See, there's his grave right there. The guy's dead. Or is he? Because I got an e-mail from him… gah, I'm all confused."

Jet stood in front of the grave.

"Hey!" yelled a feminine voice from behind the grave.

  
"Wha?" Jet said. A teenage girl walked out from behind the gravestone.

"Who are you?" the girl asked.

"Er, I'm Jet, and I came to see a friend's grave," Jet said.

"Jet?" the girl asked. "You wouldn't happen to be Jet Black, would you?"  
  
"Nope, I'm white all the way!" Jet said. "Actually, the proper term is Caucasian, but-"  
  
"No, I meant your name!" the girl said. "My name's Meifa!"  
  
"Meifa?" Jet said. "You wouldn't happen to be Pao's father, would you?"  
  
Meifa gasped.

  
"You knew my dad?" Meifa asked.

"Yeah," Jet said. "I got this e-mail, so I came to see his grave, and-"  
  
Suddenly, a small space fighter flew above the grave site, firing upon Jet and Meifa.

"Aaah!" Meifa screamed. "We gotta run!"  
  
Jet and Meifa ran out of the cemetery with the ship chasing them. Eventually, Jet and Meifa managed to get away from the ship by jumping into a dumpster.

  
"Eww," Meifa said. "We're in a dumpster."  
  
_"Yes. A dumpster. Very ewww."_

---

****

Session 21: Boogie Woogie Hong Kong Phooey

---

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

__

"When we finally got back to the Bebop, Meifa and I talked about Pao for a while. Did you know that Pao couldn't hit a baseball with a tennis racket? Wow, Pao really sucks at baseball."

"So Jet," Faye said, "who's your girlfriend?"  
  
"She's not my girlfriend!" Jet yelled.

  
"Sure she's not," Spike said.

  
"Jet's got a girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend!" Edward cheered.

Meifa giggled.

  
"See?" Edward said. "Jet and Meifa sitting in a tree!"  
  
"Stop!" Jet yelled.

"K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Edward sang. "First comes love, then comes marriage-"  
  
"Shut up!" Jet yelled.

"Then comes Jet with a baby carriage!" Edward sang.

  
"Argh!" Jet screamed. Faye and Spike laughed.

"I liked that song," Faye said.

  
"Sing it again, Ed," Spike said.

  
Meifa giggled again.

  
"Really, you guys, Jet and I are just friends!" Meifa said. "I mean, I haven't seen him since I was a little girl!"  
  
Meifa giggled again.

__

"Jeez, Meifa sure was giggly. Sort of like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, except she wasn't fat. And she wasn't a boy."

"So, Meifa," Spike said, "how do you know Jet?"  
  
Spike blew smoke in Meifa's face. Meifa coughed.

"Yeah," Faye said. "I wanna know!"  
  
Faye blew more smoke into Meifa's face. Meifa coughed louder.

"Ack!" Meifa yelled, collapsing onto the ground and going into convulsions. "I'm allergic to cigarette smoke!"

"Aaah!" Jet screamed. He grabbed the cigarettes from Spike and Faye.

"Hey!" Spike protested.

  
"GET OUT!" Jet roared. "THIS IS A NON-SMOKING SECTION NOW!"

__

"I was serious. I was getting ready to kick the crap out of both of them if they didn't get their cigarettes out of my spaceship."

"Whatever," Spike said. Spike and Faye walked out of the room.

  
"Are you okay?" Jet asked, kneeling by Meifa's side.

"Yes," Meifa said, coughing. "I am now."  
  
Jet and Meifa looked longingly into each other's eyes.

__

"I loved Meifa."

Then, they both facefaulted.

---

Out in the streets of Mars…

"So, Meifa, what are we looking for?" Jet asked.

"The Sun Stone," Meifa said. 

"Sun Stone?" Jet asked.

"Yeah," Meifa said. "It's a stone of unreasonable power!"  
  
"Unreasonable power?" Jet asked.

"Well, it really is unreasonable for such a small stone to carry so much power. You know?" Meifa said.

"I see," Jet said. "So, how do we find the sun stone?" 

"We find the four mystical creatures of mystical legend," Meifa said. "A phoenix, a turtle, a dragon, and a tiger."  
  
_"Couldn't we just find those in the zoo? Well, maybe not the phoenix and the dragon, but there are animals like those! What about an emu and a Gila monster?"_

"Sounds good," Jet said. "But where do we find those?"

"Well," Meifa said. "Let's see…"  
  
She took a large object out of her pocket. It consisted of two large disks floating around one another.

__

"Jeez, this is just like one of those crazy Final Fantasy games. Final Fantasy LVII, or something. No, maybe it's LIX or LX. Meh, they're all the same."

"What's that thing?" Jet asked.

"It senses the presence of chi energy! It's the essence of feng shui!" Meifa said. 

__

"Feng shui? Chi energy? Aaah! I'm trapped in an RPG! Let me outta here!"

"O…kay," Jet said. 

  
"Are you getting annoyed?" Meifa asked. "Because I-"  
  
"No, no!" Jet said. "I'm just kind of freaked out! Er, I mean…"  
  
"Look!" Meifa said, pointing. "Dragon!"

Jet looked out at a large landmark which looked just like a dragon.

  
"Hmmm… nice," Jet said.

  
"Turtle! Phoenix! Tiger! Jet, we've found it!" Meifa said. The object in her hand began rotating and flashing wildly. Meifa pointed. "The Sun Stone!"  


Meifa ran over to a small enclove and reached inside, pulling out a small rock.

  
"Is that the Sun Stone?" Jet asked.

  
"Yeah!" Meifa said. "Look!"  
  
Meifa put the Sun Stone into the object. The object began rotating and flashing even faster.

"Now we can find my dad!" Meifa said. "Let's go!"  


---

__

"And so, Meifa and I began to search around the city for Pao, dodging Syndicate goons the whole way. Meifa fought enough goons to reach level 17 and learn the spell Cura. I'm so proud of her."

"Darn, we haven't found anything," Meifa sighed.

"Well, at least we found the Sun Stone," Jet said. "That's good, right?"  


"I guess," Meifa said. She turned around and gasped.

  
"What is it, Meifa?" Jet asked.

  
"Syndicate goons!" Meifa yelled. "Let's run!"  
  
"Now now, you don't gain any experience points by running," Jet said. "Don't worry, I'll take them down."  
  
"Hey, you're already at Level 29! I'm only at Level 17! I wanna take 'em down!" Meifa yelled.

"Well, okay, but I get the next ones," Jet said. "I'm only three levels away from learning Firaga."  
  
"Yay!" Meifa said, facing the Syndicate goons. "Time for a battle!"  
  
*cue Final Fantasy fighting theme*

"Take this!" Meifa shouted. "Blizzara!"  
  
Meifa blasted the Syndicate goons, doing 200 hit points of damage to both of them.

  
"Hey!" one of the goons yelled. He pulled out his gun and fired at Meifa, causing her to lose 54 hit points.

  
"Ow!" Meifa yelled. "You'll pay for that!" 

  
Meifa ran over and bopped one of the goons with her staff, causing 45 damage. The goon died.

  
"That was my friend!" the other goon yelled. "Thundara!"  
  
A lightning bolt came down from the heavens, zapping Meifa for 89 damage and causing her to go into the red.

"Oh no!" Meifa yelled. "Cura!"  
  
An aura flashed over Meifa, healing her for 550 hit points.

"Alright!" Meifa said. "Now to finish you! Blizzara!"  
  
The Syndicate goon froze over, causing him to take 250 damage. He died.

*cue Final Fantasy victory music*

"Yay!" Meifa said. She gained 350 experience and 500 wulongs. "Alright!"  
  
"Good for you," Jet said.

*cue Final Fantasy boss music*

"Wha?" Meifa said.

"Crap," Jet said. "The boss! Look!"  
  
Jet pointed at four large flying robotic Syndicate droids.

"Run!" Jet yelled.

"But you can't run from a boss," Meifa said.

"This one you can. There's a subcommand menu," Jet said. "One of the options is 'Fly Into Space'."

"Sounds good," Meifa said. "Let's do it!"  
  
---

__

"And so, we flew into space. I used an Ether to restore Meifa's magic points, and we were back in business! Unfortunately, so was the boss…"

In space…

"They're still chasing us!" Meifa yelled.

"I'm gonna fly into that gate to lose them," Jet said.

"Good idea!" Meifa said.

  
Jet and Meifa flew into the gate. The four droids followed them.

"I forgot," Jet said. "You can't escape from a boss! We're doomed!"  
  
"Wait!" Meifa said, pointing down at the console in the Hammerhead. "There's a subcommand menu!"  
  
Jet pressed a button, popping up the menu.

  
"Hmmm… Toss the Sun Stone?" Jet asked.

  
"Nooo!" Meifa yelled. "It's the only chance of seeing my dad again!"  
  
"It's also the only way to beat the boss," Jet said.

"Fine," Meifa said. "Do it."  


The Sun Stone was ejected from the Hammerhead.

"What do I do now?" Jet asked.

"Well, the Sun Stone is supposed to be filled with pent-up ki energy from the Goku robot that farted, blowing it off the moon," Meifa said. "The Sun Stone is a piece of the Moon that was blown up in the Goku Fart Disaster!"  
  
"Well, why didn't you say so?" Jet asked. "I'm gonna blow it up!"  
  
Jet fired the Hammerhead's lasers at the Sun Stone. The Sun Stone exploded in a huge explosion, causing 9999 damage to each of the space droids. Needless to say, they blew up.

*cue Final Fantasy victory music*

"Alright!" Meifa cheered. "We won! And we both gained three levels!"

"Neat," Jet said. "I learned Firaga."  
  
"Jet?" came a voice from within the gate. "Is that you?"  
  
"Daddy?" Meifa said. Pao's face appeared on the Hammerhead's console.

"Oh, hi there, Meifa!" Pao said. "So, how are you and Jet doing?"  
  
"How do you think?" Meifa yelled. "You're a deadbeat dad!"  


"Actually," Pao said, "I'm the evil Feng Shui warlord and the final boss of this game."  
  
"Really?" Jet asked.

"Yeah, you know how the final boss is always related to the heroes," Pao said. "But you see, I'm sort of sealed in this area of subspace. Could you guys break the seal and release me? Please?"  


"Could you wait a thousand years?" Jet asked. "That's usually how long the bad guy has to wait."  
  
"Crap," Pao said. "I didn't know."  


"It's okay," Meifa said. "You're new at this, daddy."  
  
"Well, bye bye," Pao said. "At least until the next millennia, at which my grand Feng Shui evil will be released on this pathetic universe! Mwahaha!"  
  
Pao's face disappeared from the control console.

"Look what you did," Meifa said. "You spoiled the whole game for everybody."  
  
"I'm sorry," Jet said. 

"That's okay," Meifa said. "Let's go back home now, okay?  
  
"I didn't get to admit my true feelings for you, Meifa," Jet said.

  
"Save that for the sequel, k?" Meifa said, with a sly smile.

---

__

"And so, Meifa returned back to Mars. Spike and Faye got to smoke on the Bebop again, and Pao continues to wait until the day that some stupid, dimwitted teenage wanna-be hero releases his almighty evil onto the universe. And me? Well, uh… I'm still Jet. I think."  


Jet looked in the mirror.

__

"Yup, still Jet. Darn."

See you, at least until the sequel…

---

Network Censor Guy: The next episode has been pulled from the line-up because it's far too offensive for American viewers to watch.

Spike: What?  
  
Network Censor Guy: It contains Osama Bin Laden blowing up several prominent buildings while waving a gun and pumping up his fake breasts.

Faye: So?  
  
Network Censor Guy: It also contains a scene that gave 600,000 young Japanese children seizures. Therefore, we can't show it.

  
Jet: But it's arguably the best episode in the series.

Network Censor Guy: *covers ears* Not listening… next episode, which you **won't **be seeing: "The Banned Episode". 

Edward: Ed promises we'll find some way to show it to you! We promise!

Network Censor Guy: No, you won't.


	22. The Banned Episode

NOTE: Alrighty, guess you're all wondering why I've not updated for 10 days… you see, on last Thursday, when I was going to post this chapter, Indiana had one of its infamous thunderstorms. A huge bolt of lightning went right through my crappy surge protector and zapped my modem into oblivion. So, seven days later, I've finally got a new one. Yay! Now to return to my favorite hobby… making teenage girls cry! *gets dirty looks* Erm, with laughter! Yeah, that's it! ^_^

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own Osama Bin Laden… that dubious honor belongs to the United States Military, whose brave men will go into the caves of Afghanistan, drag him out kicking and screaming, and allow the families of the 3,000 victims of September 11th to beat him to death with rusty spikes. Die, Bin Laden, die! ^_^

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now. 

---

The scene: the top floor of a large twin tower complex on Mars. There, evil was afoot!

"Mwahaha!" laughed everyone's least favorite turban-wearing terrorist, Osama Bin Laden, as he planted a bomb near one of the windows. "I will blow up these American infidels and their obscenely huge buildings! Mwahaha! They haven't caught me for 70 years, and they won't catch me now!"  
  
Bin Laden laughed as he ran down the stairs. The timer on the bomb began to tick.

"Mwahaha!" Bin Laden laughed, running down an escalator. "These fools will pay for their evil ways!"  
  
But just as Bin Laden reached the bottom of the escalator, he was tapped on the shoulder. He turned around.

  
"Who are you?" Bin Laden asked. He was staring into the face of Spike Spiegel, who was holding Bin Laden's bomb.

"Here you go," Spike said, handing the bomb to Bin Laden. "You left this upstairs."  
  
"Uh, I don't want it," Bin Laden said. "Leave it up there."  
  
"But it looks like it's valuable," Spike said. "You wouldn't want to lose it!"

"Infidel!" Bin Laden yelled. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a spherical pump that was hooked up to his shirt. "You're just jealous you don't have these!"  
  
Bin Laden squeezed the pump repeatedly, pumping up fake breasts that were hidden inside his shirt.

  
"I don't want those," Spike said. "Besides, Faye's are bigger."  
  
Bin Laden cried out in frustration.

  
"Infidel!" Bin Laden yelled again. "Grrr… die, you American infidel!"  
  
"I'm not American," Spike said.

  
"Shut up!" Bin Laden yelled.   
  
At that moment, "Go Go Cactus Man" began to play in the background.

  
"What is that?" Bin Laden asked. A faint galloping noise in the background grew louder and louder.

"Wha?" Spike stammered. "Whoa, look!"  


Spike pointed to a horse galloping toward the two men. The man on the horse was wearing a cowboy outfit and wearing a cowboy hat.

"Who are you?" Bin Laden asked.

"I'm here to apprehend the evil terrorist, Osama Bin Laden!" the man on the horse said. He turned to Spike. "And I've finally found him!"  
  
"Who, me?" Spike said.

"Yes, you!" the man on the horse said. "I'm Cowboy Andy and I'm taking you down!"

---

****

Session 22: The Banned Episode (?!?!?!)

---

"Infidels!" Bin Laden yelled, grabbing his bomb and running out of the building.

  
"You're going down, Bin Laden!" Cowboy Andy declared.

"But I'm not Bin Laden!" Spike protested. "I don't even wear a turban!"  
  
Andy gasped.

  
"You racist!" Andy yelled. "Not all terrorists wear turbans!"  
  
"But Bin Laden does!" Spike said. He took out a picture. "See?"  
  
"Oh," Andy said. 

"I think he got away," Spike said.

"It's your fault!" Andy yelled.

  
"My fault?" Spike said.

"Yeah, your fault!" Andy yelled. 

---

But while Spike and Andy were about to throw down, Bin Laden's evil plans were about to take hold! Oh no!  
  
"Now to teach the American infidels a lesson!" Bin Laden said. He took out his bomb and heaved it into the towers.

"BOOOOOOOOOM!"

---

"Did you hear that?" Spike asked.

"Yeah!" Andy said. "I'm outta here!"  
  
Andy galloped off on his horse.

"Thanks a lot," Spike said. "Jerk."  


Spike ran out of the towers right before they collapsed. He looked around, but no one was in sight.

  
"Where did he go?" Spike asked. "Did he die?"  
  
"No, I didn't die!" Andy yelled from the distance. "You big jerk!"  
  
"Poophead!" Spike yelled.

"Buttface!" Andy yelled.

"Jerkweed!" Spike yelled.

"Doodywad!" Andy yelled.

---

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"So that big doo-doo head said that I was Bin Laden!" Spike yelled. "Can you believe it?"

"That doo-doo head is the famous Andy Oniyate," Jet said. "He's the heir to a lot of money. Kind of like Bin Laden, only Andy's good and Bin Laden's bad."  
  
"Andy's bad!" Spike yelled. "He's even worse than Bin Laden! Remember that commercial? Bad Andy, good pizza?"

  
"I think Andy's kinda cute," Faye said. "I want him to be my boyfriend!"  
  
"You would," Spike said.

"Either him, or you," Faye said. "I love you, Spike Spiegel."  
  
"I love you too, Faye Valentine," Spike said. "Let's get married."  
  
Spike and Faye both facefaulted.  
  
"Oooh!" Edward said. "Big masquerade party tonight! Bin Laden's planning to bomb it!"  
  
"Really?" Spike asked.

"Oooh," Jet said. "Now's my excuse to wear that hippie stuff and get out my stash."  
  
"You have a stash?" Spike asked. "You never gave any to me."  
  
"Yeah," Faye said. "Quit Bogarting it."  
  
"It's my stash," Jet said. "I shot up some mean dudes to get it. And I had to hide it from the pigs a few weeks ago. Get your own stash."  


****

Bigshot- The Show For Bounty Hunters

Paunch: Wow, today's bounty is a real bad man!

Judy: That's right! His name is Osama Bin Laden! 

  
Paunch: He's wanted for blowing up the World Trade Center, the rebuilt World Trade Center, the re-rebuilt World Trade Center, the Triplet Towers, the Quadruplet Towers, the Miscarriaged Octuplet Towers, and most recently, the Mars Trade Center on Mars. He's also wanted for giving seizures to kids. Like this!

  
*screen flashes blue and red rapidly for 5 minutes*

Judy: And what's the bounty on him?  
  
Paunch: 100 billion wulongs! *puts pinky to lips*

"Whoa," Faye said. "They must really hate this Bin Laden guy."

"No duh," Jet said. "Let's catch him!"  


---

At the masquerade party on the top floor of the "Yes, We Know This Building Is Really Tall And Sticks Out Like A Sore Thumb But Please Don't Blow It Up, Okay? You're On The Honor System" Building…

"Wow, Faye, you look really freaking hot in that costume," Spike said. "Will you marry me?"  
  
Spike facefaulted.

"I know I look hot," Faye said. "I hope Cowboy Andy shows up so I can flash him!"

"Wha?" Spike said.

"Er, I mean… uh…" Faye stammered before Jet walked up. Jet was wearing a long brown wig with a t-shirt that had pictures of every single illegal drug on it. He was also smoking a joint.

  
"Hey dudes!" Jet said. "Peace and love, ya know?"  
  
"Peace and love," Faye said. "Whee."  
  
---

But in the bathroom…

"Mwahaha!" Bin Laden yelled, placing bombs around the room. "This time, the American infidels will die!"

Bin Laden ran out of the bathroom.

---

"So far, so good," Faye said.

  
"Yeah," Spike said. "At least you-know-who hasn't shown up. Ya know?"  
  
But Spike's happiness was short-lived as "Go Go Cactus Man" began playing again.

"No," Spike said. "No, no, no!"  
  
Cowboy Andy rode in on his horse.

  
"I love you!" Faye yelled. "Take me with you!"  
  
"I'd love to, little lady, but I have to apprehend Bin Laden!" Cowboy Andy said. "And then-"  
  
"BOOOOOOOOOM!"  
  
---

"Mwahaha!" Bin Laden yelled, running out of the building. "Die, American infidels!"

Bin Laden began waving a gun at various people and pumping up his fake breasts.

  
"You know you want these!" Bin Laden yelled.

---

Glass showered the patrons of the masquerade party.   
  
"Aaah!" Faye yelled. "Andy, save me!"  
  
Cowboy Andy pulled Faye onto his horse. The horse rode off, down the stairs and out of the building.

  
"Hey!" Spike yelled. "What about me?"  
  
"Peace and love, man!" Jet said.

---

At Cowboy Andy's apartment…

"So, Andy," Faye said. "Are you attracted to me?"  
  
"Well, not really," Andy said. "But you're a cute little lady."  
  
"Ugh," Faye said. "I suddenly find you unattractive because you're just like Spike."  
  
"I'm not like Spike!" Andy yelled. "I'm like John Wayne! The Duke!"  


"Sure you are," Faye said. "Mr. Spike Spiegel Impersonator."  
  
"I'm not Spike, I'm a space cowboy!" Andy said. "A space cowboy! John Space Wayne! Wayne Space John! John Wayne Space! Cowboy Wayne! Spacey Space Wang!"

"Wang?" Faye said.

  
"Er, Wayne, I mean," Andy said. "I mispronounced it."  
  
"Just like Spike," Faye said. 

"Argh!" Andy yelled.

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"He's just like you," Faye said. "I hate him."  
  
"I hate him too," Spike said.   
  
"Where's the love?" Jet asked. "The love?"  
  
Edward typed furiously on her computer.

"Oooh!" Edward said. "Edward knows where Osama-person is gonna strike next!"  
  
"And where is that?" Spike asked.

"The Spears Tower!" Edward said. "As in Britney Spears!"

  
"Wow, a tower that looks just like 20th Century music performer Britney Spears," Spike said. "What'll they think of next?"  
  
Spike looked closer at the picture of the tower.

  
"Wow," Spike said. "That tower has a nice rack. It'd be a shame to blow it up."

Spike stood up.

  
"I'm gonna stop Bin Laden from blowing it up!" Spike declared.

  
"I'm coming too," Faye said. 

  
"You'd just get kidnapped again like you do every single time we chase a bounty head," Spike said.

"Andy would come and save me," Faye said.

  
"I thought you hated Andy," Spike said.

"I love Andy," Faye said. "I wanna marry him."  


Faye facefaulted.

---

Meanwhile, at the Spears Tower…

"Mwahaha!" Bin Laden yelled, planting bombs inside the tower's "breasts". "Nobody's breasts are bigger than mine!"  
  
Bin Laden began pumping his breasts again.

  
"Mwahaha!" Bin Laden cackled. 

Suddenly, "Go Go Cactus Man" began to play. Bin Laden's eyes grew wide with fear.

"Not him again!" Bin Laden said. "But I have set a trap!"

Bin Laden ran out of the tower.

---

Meanwhile, outside the Spears Tower…

"There it is," Spike said. "Wow, that tower has a nice rack."  
  
"I know," came a voice from behind Spike. Spike turned around.

  
"You!" Spike shouted. "Cowboy Pansy!"  
  
Andy cringed.

  
"It's Cowboy Andy!" Andy yelled. He pointed at Spike. "You aren't fit to be a cowboy! I will own you!"  
  
"Hey!" Bin Laden yelled. "American infidels!"

Spike and Andy continued yelling at each other, ignoring Bin Laden.

"Don't you want to know why I blow up buildings?" Bin Laden asked. "I'll tell you why!"  
  
"Andy, you suck!" Spike asked. "And so does your mom!"  
  
"Oh yeah?" Andy asked, putting up his fists. "Know what I've been through today? I've had to watch my best friend get hit by a car! I've been tied up and shoved into a trunk! And then, I've had a gun put to my head! I had to roll out of an exploding car while my mom had amnesia! You think you've got problems? BRING IT ON!"

Andy stopped.

"Wait," Andy said. "Wrong fictional character. Sorry."

  
Andy put up his fists again.

  
"Spike, I will rock your boxers! You are going to be in the dirt! I will kill you!" Andy yelled.

"Hey!" Bin Laden shouted. "Infidels! I shall blow up all the buildings in the name of Allah! I will rise to heaven, and you infidels shall all burn in Hell! Do you hear me!"

Bin Laden took out his gun and waved it around. Suddenly, he was spun around by Faye.

  
"Hey," Faye said. "Bin Laden!"  
  
"Yes?" Bin Laden said. "You infidel! Showing your cleavage like that! You are a sinner!"

  
Bin Laden began pumping his fake breasts.

"Besides," Bin Laden said. "Mine are bigger! You wish you had these!"  
  
"Actually, mine are bigger," Faye said. "Look! I'm the only one here that was alive in 2001! I saw those towers fall down!"  
  
Faye grabbed Bin Laden by his shirt collar.

"You're perverting the Muslim religion, you know that?" Faye yelled. "God, or Allah, or whatever his name is, wouldn't tell someone to kill people! You make me sick!"  
  
Faye's face turned red with anger.

  
"And plus, you've got a 100,000,000,000 wulong bounty on you," Faye said. "So I'm taking you in."

Faye slammed Bin Laden down, giving him the Stone Cold Stunner. Bin Laden passed out.

---

Meanwhile, Spike and Andy had rushed into the elevator to stop the bomb.

  
"Wait a second," Spike said. "This is a trap."  
  
"I knew that!" Andy yelled. "We're both going to die if you don't do what I say!"  
  
"No, do what I say!" Spike shouted.

"No, me!" Andy said.

  
"Me!" Spike said.

The elevator continued going up… and up… and up… until it reached the tower's giant breasts and the bomb inside.

"BOOOOOOOOOM!"  


---

Meanwhile…

"Ha, got him!" Faye said, standing over the tied up and unconscious Osama Bin Laden. "But Spike and Andy died… that's too bad."

---

On the roof of the tower…

"How'd we get up to the roof?" Spike asked. "And why isn't the tower destroyed?"  
  
"Guess the boobs that were built onto the tower absorbed the blast," Andy said. "But they're gone now."  
  
"Crap," Spike said. "This tower had a nice rack."  
  
Spike pointed his gun at Andy at the same time Andy pointed his gun at Spike.

"Grrr…" Spike growled. "I hate your guts."  
  
"I hate your guts!" Andy yelled.

"Die!" Spike said. Andy and Spike began shooting at each other. Using their mad bounty hunter skills, they managed to dodge each other's shots and roll up to each other. They dropped their guns and engaged in hand to hand combat.

  
"Ha!" Andy shouted. "My kung fu is superior to your kung fu!"  
  
"My kung fu is superior to YOUR kung fu!" Spike shouted, kicking Andy right in the groin. Andy doubled over.

"Crap," Andy said, clutching his groin. "You're right. I never would have thought of that… you are an honorable fighter."

Andy took off his hat and gave it to Spike.

"I'm gonna just be a samurai or something," Andy said. "But I'll be back!"  
  
"When?" Spike asked.

  
"I dunno, maybe… next episode?" Andy said.

  
"You'd better not," Spike said.

  
Andy laughed.

"Next episode, you are going down!" Andy declared.

  
"Oh yeah?" Spike said.   
  
"Yeah!" Andy said.

Andy and Spike spent the rest of the day growling at each other.

"Meh," Andy said. "I'm going home."  
  
Andy hopped on his horse and rode off.

  
"But I'll be back!" Andy yelled.

---

Meanwhile, in the middle of the biggest city on Mars, Osama Bin Laden had been placed on the bench of a giant dunk tank filled with highly corrosive acid. People had been taking turns throwing tennis balls to try to knock him over, but they were having no luck.

  
"Ha ha!" Bin Laden yelled. "If you guys don't hit me by the end of the day, I get off scot free! You American infidels!"  


Suddenly, a tennis ball came screaming toward the target that triggered the dunk tank. The ball hit it dead-on, sending the screaming Bin Laden tumbling into the acid.

  
"Argh!" Bin Laden screamed as he was melted into nothingness.

"Serves you right," said the man that had thrown the ball. He was wearing a samurai outfit. "You've just been taken down by… Samurai Andy!"  
  
Samurai Andy laughed a victorious laugh.

__

See you in Hell, Bin Laden… ^_^

---

Andy: Mwahaha! Next episode, I'll be back!  
  
Spike: No you won't.

  
Andy: Yes, I will.

Faye: Yes!

  
Spike: Hey Faye, what did you spend your bounty money on, anyway?  
  
Edward: Faye-Faye gambled it away-way!

Jet: It figures.

Andy: Anyway, the next episode is entitled "Andy's Counterattack"!

Spike: No it isn't. It's something like "Brain Munch", or "Brain Crash", or "Brain Smashed", or "Butt Scratch". Something like that!

Andy: No… *points* It's "Andy's Counterattack".

Spike: Crap… it is.

  
Andy: *laughs*

Spike: Stop that!


	23. Andy's Counterattack

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I wonder what the asking price for Faye is? 5 million? 10 million? Hmmm…

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now. 

---

"Yo yo yo, it's Brainmasta Londes here, bringing meaning to you foo's meaningless lives! Yo' brain controls all, and I can help you do so much mo' with it! Take that boring wreck of a life of yours and come with me to da higha' plane of the VR world! Can you feel the powa'? Can you feel it? Can you dig it?" 

"Yo Londes!" yelled a chorus of voices. "Scratch can dig it! Sucka!"

---

****

Session 23: Andy's Counterattack

---

ABOARD THE BEBOP-

"Ugh," Spike said. "Why did you insist on joining Bebop?"  
  
"To keep you in check," Cowboy Andy said. "We can't let your fanbase exceed mine."

"I'm gonna exceed your face with my fist!" Spike yelled.

"Shut up!" Andy yelled. "You can bring it if you want some!"  
  
"Eww," Spike said.

  
"Not like that," Andy said. "Pervert."  
  
"Quiet you two," Jet said. "I'm trying to watch TV."  


Jet began flipping the channels.

---

CHANNEL 136-

Man: Yo, dis Scratch is fly, ya dig?  


Reporter: But reports of people dying-

Man: Yo, dose suckas didn't die! Dey just went on to da next life, ya dig?  


Reporter: I guess so…

*channel changes*

CHANNEL 161-

Anchorman: Can we really exit our human bodies and rise to the higher plane?  
  
Ren Hoek: Of course not, you VEEDIOT! Pathetic humans will be enslaved by the alien race! DO YOU HEAR ME?  
  
Anchorman: Uh…

Ren Hoek: VEEDIOT!  


*channel changes*

CHANNEL 209-

Carson Daly IV: We're here live at SCRATCH Central for Total Request Live!

  
Faye: Woooo!  


Carson Daly IV: Are you a member of SCRATCH?  
  
Faye: That's right! 

Carson Daly IV: Why are you a member of SCRATCH?  
  
Faye: I don't have to explain myself to you, Carson! You suck! *flips off the camera* This is for you, Spike!

---

"Can you believe that?" Spike said. "Faye runs off and joins some crazy cult, and now she's flipping me the bird on interplanetary TV."  
  
"She didn't flip me off," Andy said. "I think she likes me."  
  
"Whatever," Spike said.

"Hey guys, that cult they were talking about, SCRATCH?" Jet said. "Well, there's a bounty out on its leader. It seems that members of the cult are killing themselves."  
  
"What?" Spike said.  
  
"My beloved Faye joined that cult!" Andy said.

  
"Beloved Faye?" Spike asked.

  
"Yeah, I have a crush on Faye. What's it to you?" Andy yelled.

"Stop bickering, you guys. There's a 38 million dollar bounty on Londes," Jet said.

  
"I don't care about the bounty, I just want my Faye back," Andy said.

"Faye's mine," Spike said. "I love her."  
  
Spike facefaulted.

  
"What happened to you?" Andy asked.

"Nothing," Spike said, getting up and brushing himself off. "I want that 38 million. I'm going after this SCRATCH."  
  
"I'm going after SCRATCH," Andy said.

  
"Ed and I are going after SCRATCH," Jet said.

  
"That's right!" Edward said. "Yep yep!"  
  
"Is this some sort of competition?" Spike asked. "Like a contest?"  
  
"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play.

"I must rescue Faye!" Andy declared. "With God as my witness, I will never go hungry again!"  
  
Andy rode off on his horse, which he had brought into the Bebop. Did I mention the horse? No? Too bad. Andy brought his horse! *shakes fist* He brought it!

"Hey!" Spike yelled. "You got a head start! No fair!"  


Spike ran after Andy.

---

Meanwhile, at SCRATCH HQ…

Faye ran through the building, looking for Londes.

"That bounty is mine!" Faye yelled. "All mine!"  
  
Faye ran into a large room filled with monitors.  
  
"Okay, Scratchmaster, or whatever your formal title is… I've caught you!" Faye yelled. The lights in the room flashed on.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Londes' voice yelled. "Nobody messes with da Scratchmaster!"

"I'm messing with you," Faye said.

  
"I don't dig that, dawg," Londes said. "You need an attitude adjustment!"  
  
"What kind of attitude adjustment?" Faye asked.

"From mah zombie slaves!" Londes yelled. Suddenly, zombies of everyone that had committed suicide surrounded Faye.

"Oh crap," Faye said. "I'm getting captured by the bad guys _again_! Man, this sucks."

---

Back on the streets….

"I'm catching Londes first," Spike said.

"No, I am," Andy said. "If he's hurt my precious Faye, he will feel my samurai wrath!"  
  
Andy took out his samurai sword and began swinging it around.

  
"Would you not do that? Please?" Spike asked.

  
"Are you jealous that you don't have a sword?" Andy asked.

"Sort of," Spike said.

  
"Good," Andy said. A SCRATCH member walked up to them.

"Yo, can you dig the beat?" the SCRATCH member asked.

"No, but I can dig this," Spike said, shooting the SCRATCH member in the head.

  
"Why'd you kill him?" Andy asked.

  
"I'm Spike Spiegel. I can kill anyone I want!" Spike said.

  
"I can too!" Andy said. "But I'm a samurai. And samurais never kill. Unless you're a ninja. Samurais kill ninjas."  
  
---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"We would have found Londes if Andy hadn't been such a jerk," Spike said.

  
"You're a jerk," Andy said.

"Well, we haven't found anything either," Jet said. 

---

****

Bigshot- The Show For Bounty Hunters

Paunch: Wow, Londes is a very bad hombre!

Judy: That's right! He's got a biiiiiig bounty on him! What did he do?

Paunch: He caused 100 people to commit suicide! Unfortunately, he's sort of a mystery!

Judy: An urban legend wrapped in an enchilada! 

Paunch: Enigma, not enchilada, you dumb blonde.

  
Judy: Dumb blonde? (Bleep) you!

Paunch: Why, you stupid (bleep)!

Judy: (Bleep) (bleep)! *flashes her breasts* (bleep)!

Paunch: Oooh! *goes in to cop a feel*

Judy: Oh, (bleep) no! *takes out an Anime Babe Mallet and wallops Paunch*

Producer: *walks up to Paunch and Judy* You guys are canceled! We're getting complaints from thousands of people! *sees Judy's breasts* However, I can keep you guys on the air, if-

Judy: Pervert! *takes out a gun and blows off Paunch and the producer's heads* Hmph!

---

"Best. Episode. Ever." Jet said.

"Now what do we do?" Spike asked.

Suddenly, the phone rang. Andy ran over and grabbed it.

"Hey!" Spike yelled. "It's not for you!"  
  
"Shhh!" Andy yelled, shushing Spike. "It's Faye!"  


---

"Er, Andy?" Faye asked.

"Yes?" Andy said.  
  
"I sorta got captured by the bad guys… could you or preferably Spike come to save me?" Faye asked.

  
"Preferably Spike?" Andy yelled. "PREFERABLY SPIKE?"

"Yes!" Spike said in the background.

  
"Do not worry, Faye, for I, the great samurai Musashi will rescue you!" Andy said, hanging up the phone.

"Musashi?" Spike said. "That's a load of bullcrap! I'm saving Faye!"  
  
Spike facefaulted.

"I'm getting the bounty money!" Spike yelled, running off.

"And I'm saving Faye!" Andy yelled, running off.

"And I'm playing this new Xbox VR Machine!" Jet said, picking up the helmet and putting it on his head.

---

"Yo, yo! Get ready to experience the ultimate interactive experience, dawg!" Londes said. "You gonna experience the thrill!"  
  
"The thrill!" Jet said. "Whoo!"  


"Dat's right, dawg! You gonna become what'cha never could!" Londes yelled. "You gonna-"

"Ed wants to play toooo!" Ed said, ripping the VR Xbox off of Jet's head.

"Whoa, I think that thing's possessed," Jet said.

  
"Why is that, Jet-person?" Ed asked.

"When I put it on, some guy tried to hypnotize me," Jet said. "I bet it's the key to finding Londes."  
  
"Why?" Ed asked.

"Just shut up and help me advance the plot," Jet said.

---

Meanwhile, at the SCRATCH HQ…

  
"Ha!" Spike said. "I got here first!"  
  
"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play.

"No," Spike said. "NO!"  
  
Andy and his horse rode up to the building. Andy leaped off the horse and drew his sword.

  
"I shall rescue Faye!" Andy said. "And you can watch."  
  
"Watch?" Spike said. "I'm gonna watch my foot go up your butt in a second!" 

Spike kicked at Andy's backside. Andy skillfully dodged out of the way.

"Ha!" Andy said. "Now to save Faye!"  
  
Andy ran into the building.

  
"I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate-" Spike said. The screen turned red. "Hate, hate, hate, hate, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE you, Cowboy Andy!"  
  
Spike ran off after Andy.

---

Meanwhile, at Microsoft HQ in Seattle…

"I have some sort of hunch that the root of the problem is here," Jet said. He was wearing an Abe costume.

"Why are we dressed up as Abe and Munch?" Edward asked. She was wearing an adorable Munch costume.

"To infiltrate Microsoft and nab Londes," Jet said. They went into the building.

  
"Who are you?" the receptionist asked.

  
"Mascots coming through," Jet said.

"Mascots! Mascots! Yay!" Edward cheered.  
  
"How cute," the receptionist said. "Go on in!"  


---

Back at the SCRATCH HQ…

"I've done it!" Andy said, running into the giant room with the monitors. "Where are you, Faye, my precious?"  


Spike ran into the room and stood next to Andy.

  
"Where's Londes?" Spike asked. "And my money?"

The room lit up to reveal Faye, who was lying on the ground, unconscious. She was surrounded by a legion of SCRATCH zombies.

"Zombies, drop da bomb on these suckas!" Londes' voice yelled.

"Let's go to work," Spike said, taking out his gun. "A Little Less Conversation" began to play in the background.

  
"Funny, that's not a Bebop song," Andy said. "Oh well, it sets the mood."  
  
Spike and Andy ran at the zombies and began shooting and slashing them. Finally, the zombies were dead. Actually, they were dead to begin with… let's say they were incapacitated. Yeah, that works.

"Alright," Andy said. "You hurt Faye, and you're going to pay!"  
  
"Wait!" Londes yelled. "Don't you want to hear my manifesto?"

"I guess," Spike said. "It couldn't hurt. Go ahead, start ticking people off."  
  
"Alrighty then!" Londes said. "My true identity is revealed!"  
  
A face appeared on all of the monitors. The face of-

---

"Bill Freaking Gates," Jet said, staring at the man lying unconscious on the hospital bed, hooked up to a huge computer.

"Who's Bill Gates?" Edward asked.

"He's a 20th century technology mogul. I guess this whole SCRATCH thing was his latest evil plan," Jet said. "I'm taking him out."  
  
Jet pointed his gun at Bill Gates. Suddenly, the evil man disappeared.

  
_"BWAHAHA!" _yelled an evil voice. _"You can never defeat the mighty Bill Gates!"_

---

"And so, I took on the identity of Londes, a crazy DJ loosely based on the guy from Jet Set Radio, a franchise EXCLUSIVELY owned by Xbox!" Bill Gates yelled. "Microsoft rules all!"  
  
"Okay," Andy said. "That still doesn't explain why you knocked out Faye."  
  
"Silence, mortal!" Gates yelled. "Next, I want to go on the record to say that TV is evil, because it takes people away from their Windows-equipped Microsoft computers and their Microsoft Xboxes."

"Hey now," Spike said. "Don't knock TV."  
  
"I was going to kill Faye as my next act of evil, forcing her fanboys to convert to the pixellated babes of Dead or Alive, another Xbox owned franchise!" Gates laughed.

Spike and Andy exchanged worried looks.

  
"And as my final words to you," Gates said, "God doesn't exist! Bwahaha!"  
  
"You really shouldn't say that," Andy said. "You'll make God angry."  
  
"Yeah," Spike said. "I'd stop saying that."  
  
"God doesn't exist! God doesn't exist! God doesn't exist!" Gates yelled.

"Er, I wouldn't do that…" Spike said. 

"And why not?" Gates asked.

"Because when God gets angry," yelled a booming voice from the heavens, "PEOPLE DIE!"  


A huge lightning bolt came down from the sky and zapped Bill Gates and his evil monitors into oblivion.  


"Wow," Andy said. "I only thought that stuff happened in the Bible."

Faye's eyes slowly began to flutter open. Andy and Spike both ran to her.

"Faye?" Spike and Andy both said in unison.

  
"Wow," Faye said. "Two guys… I must be dreaming…"  
  
Faye fell back to sleep.

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"So you're leaving?" Faye asked. "You shouldn't!"  
  
"Don't listen to her, Andy," Spike said. "Get the freak out of here."

"Well, I must go! More evil to fight, more babes to rescue! The fight never ends!" Andy said. He picked up Faye's hand and gave it a gentle kiss. "For you, my space beauty. May the sun never set on your beautiful face."  
  
"See, Spike, you should be more like him," Faye said.   
  
"I thought you said Andy was just like me," Spike said.

"Wait, I am?" Andy asked.

  
"Don't listen to Spike, he's a jerk," Faye said. "Even though I am in love with him."  
  
Faye facefaulted.

"Adieu, friends!" Andy said, riding off into the sunset as the Bebop took off and flew overhead. "Call Me, Call Me" began to play.

"Hey!" Edward yelled. "That's Edward's farewell song!"  
  
Faye and Jet began crying.

  
"Andy!" Jet cried. "We'll miss you!"  
  
"Waaaah!" Faye whined.

  
"I guess it's sad," Edward said. "But what song are they gonna play when Edward leaves?"  
  
"You're leaving, Edward?" Spike asked.

  
"Er… no, Spike-person! Edward's never gonna leave!" Edward said.

"Then why-" Spike said.

"Shut up, Spike-person!" Edward yelled.

__

See you, Andy… oh man, we're all gonna miss you… *cries*

---

Edward: On the next episode of Bebop… I leave!

Spike: Why?  
  
Edward: Because you were mean to Edward!

  
Faye: When?  
  
Edward: When Andy left! You were mean mean!  
  
Ein: *barks*

Edward: Oh Ein, you're the only one who's nice to Edward!

  
Ein: *barks*

Edward: Next episode of The Funny Sessions, "Hard Knock Woman"!

Spike: It's a hard knock life!


	24. Hard Knock Woman

Note: Cowboy Bebop: The Funny Sessions… will have a sequel! Called Cowboy Bebop: The Funnier Sessions, it will be 26 additional episodes taking place after Bebop! Hopefully, I should begin writing on it in Spring 2003. More details later!

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own Stone What? Cold What? Steve What? Austin What? WHAT?

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now. 

---

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

Faye sat on her bed, watching videos of her younger self.

  
"There's Chibi Faye… but where is she?" Faye said. "Where is Chibi Faye at?"  
  
Faye continued scanning the screen, looking for any clues that might lead to finding her home.

"Darn, nothing there…" Faye said. "Let's see… God, it would be a whole lot easier to see the background if Chibi Faye would STOP DANCING!"  
  
Chibi-Faye kept dancing on the screen.

  
"Geez, I must have been a real annoying kid," Faye said. "I bet no one liked me."  
  
Suddenly, a lion's head fountain could be seen in the background. Faye paused the screen.

"Lion's head? Wha?" Faye said. "I get the feeling I'm being watched."  
  
Faye turned around to see Edward sitting behind her.

  
"Aaah!" Faye screamed. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Ed wanted to help Faye-Faye!" Edward said. "Edward knows where that lion head thingy is!"  
  
Faye grabbed Edward by the neck.

"TELL ME!" Faye screamed.

"Well, Edward doesn't actually know…" Edward said. "Wait, Edward does. No, Edward doesn't…"

"WHY YOU LITTLE!" Faye screamed. She began choking Edward much like Homer Simpson chokes Bart.   


"Ack!" Edward coughed.   
  
"TELL ME!" Faye shouted again. "TELL ME!"  
  
Faye began kissing Edward on the lips repeatedly.

"Oops," Faye said, dropping Edward. "You see, I thought you were Spike there."  
  
Faye facefaulted off of the bed.

---

****

Session 24- Hard Knock Woman

---

"Hey," Jet said. "We're on Earth."  
  
"We're supposed to be on Mars!" Spike said. "What happened?"  
  
"Think the Kay Pirates hijacked our ship?" Jet asked.

  
"Or Team Rocket messed up our controls?" Spike asked.

"Or maybe Frieza pushed us off course with his powers," Jet said.

"I wonder…." Jet and Spike sighed.

---

Meanwhile, outside the ship…

"Why did Faye-Faye redirect the Bebop's course?" Edward asked. "Bad Faye-Faye!"  
  
"Bad Faye-Faye?" Faye said indignantly. "For your information, I'm trying to find where I lived. You got a problem with that?"  
  
"I have a problem with you kissing me, Faye-Faye," Edward said.

  
"Deal with it," Faye said. Faye and Edward continued to walk.

---

Elsewhere on Earth, a large piece of the moon had crashed to the surface.

"Whoa, we got another one!" yelled a man who was now running toward the impact site. He was followed by another man.  
  
"Slow down, Applederry!" the other man said.

"And why's that?" Applederry asked. "You can't go fast enough?"  
  
Applederry pulled an egg out of his pocket and hurled it in the man's face.

  
"Hey," the man said.

"Ha ha ha!" Applederry laughed. "Looks like you got caught with egg on your face, Macintyre!"

"That's not funny," Macintyre said. 

Applederry continued laughing.

  
"Why do I bother?" Macintyre sighed in an exasperated tone.

---

Meanwhile, Faye and Edward had reached a small city. 

"The lion's head thingy is here," Edward said. "I think."  
  
"Well, you just keep on thinking," Faye said. "I think I'll go over here and look around some more."  
  
But suddenly, a large group of kids ran up to Faye and Edward.

"Whoa," one of the kids said. "A new friend!"  
  
The kids began surrounding Faye and dancing.

"Hey, this isn't one of those pickpocket schemes where the kids run up and take your money, is it?" Faye asked.

"You're funny!" another one of the kids said.

  
"She must be a clown! She's got balloons in her shirt!" yet another kid yelled. "Balloons!"  
  
"We want balloons!" the kids began chanting.

"Uh, these aren't balloons," Faye said. 

"Oh…" the kids sighed dejected.

  
"Hey, and Ed's with her!" another kid said.

"Edward's back!" the kids began chanting.

  
"Yeah, Ed is back!" Edward said. "Ed's back!"

An old nun ran up to the kids.

"Hey, what are you kids doing?" the nun asked. "Wait a minute… Edward, you came back?"  
  
"Wait, you know these people?" Faye asked.

---

Later, at a large dinner table in a run-down orphanage…

"And that's how I met Edward," the nun said. "She just wandered in here one day. And then she left."  
  
The woman looked at Edward angrily.

  
"WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS, A MINIMUM-SECURITY PRISON? YOU CAN'T JUST COME AND GO AS YOU PLEASE!" the woman screamed. Edward giggled.

  
"Ed won't leave again!" Edward said. "Unless Edward pleases!"  
  
"Okay," the woman said. "Let's eat. But first, we have to pray."  
  
"But I'm an Atheist," one of the kids said. "Remember?"  
  
The kid crossed his arms.

  
"I am _so _offended," the kid said.

"Sorry," the nun said. "Let's just eat then!"

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"This really sucks," Spike said. "I'm getting no screen time."  
  
"Maybe here's a way to get some," Jet said. "Look. A bountyhead."  
  
Jet pointed at the Bebop's computer screen.

  
"Applederry," Spike said. "OH MY GOD! There's 50 million wulong bounty on this guy!"

Spike grabbed Jet by the shirt collar.

  
"We have to go after him!" Spike said.

  
"Fine, fine," Jet said. "Let's get him."

---

Back in the streets of the city, Faye had left the orphanage, leaving Edward behind.  
  
"The kid'll follow," Faye said. "If she doesn't, that's her loss."

  
Faye continued walking. Suddenly, she was stopped by an old woman.

  
"Hey!" the old woman said. "It's you!"  
  
"Me?" Faye said.  
  
"You're Faye Valentine!" the old woman said. "I'm Sally Yung… don't you remember me? I was your best friend all throughout school! We graduated together!"  


"Oh," Faye said.

"Why haven't you changed?" Sally asked. "You're a ghost!"

  
Sally screamed.

  
"AAAAH! GHOST GHOST GHOST GHOST GHOST!" Sally screamed, taking out a silver cross, a stake, and garlic. "Die, ghost, die!"  
  
"No, no, no, no," Faye said. "I'm not a ghost. Besides, those things only work on vampires."

"Oh," Sally said, putting the stuff away. "You should tell me. Wait, you're not a ghost. You got cryogenically frozen."

"Duh," Faye said.

"After the accident," Sally said.

  
"What accident?" Faye asked. Sally began laughing.

  
"Oh, it was pretty funny. You see-" Sally said before she erupted into a fit of laughter. "Sorry. Anyway, you were on a golf course, and a big thunderstorm hit. But you had won a contest to play against Tiger Woods, and you were beating him. But when the storm hit, you wanted to finish up the game. But then, well, lightning hit you… and the rest is history!"  


Sally began laughing again.

  
"The doctor said it was a shuttle accident," Faye said.

  
"He didn't want you to feel bad," Sally said. "You were having the game of your life, and you got hit by lightning!"  
  
"I don't see how that's funny," Faye said.

"Oh," Sally said. "Well, it was nice talking to you."

A little boy walked up to Sally.

  
"Oh, wait, I have to introduce you to someone," Sally said. "This is Faye Valentine. I told you about her."  
  
"Grandma said you were dead," the little boy said. "Wow, you have balloons in your shirt! Can I have one?"  
  
Faye facefaulted.

---

Meanwhile…

"Well, that's it for today," Applederry said, putting up his computer. "Making maps is hard."  
  
"But it's so rewarding!" Macintyre said, taking out a picture of an old-looking man. "Remember our great hero!"  
  
"Ah, Rand McNalley," Applederry said nostalgically. "You who came before us. You never had to put up with robot farts that took out half of the moon."  


Macintyre put up the picture just as Spike and Jet approached the two mapmakers.

"Hey," Spike said. "You're under arrest."  
  
"Yeah," Jet said. "You're coming with us."  
  
"Do you know who you're dealing with?" Applederry asked. "I am Applederry, the great and powerful!"  
  
"Whatever," Spike said. "What the heck are you doing?"  
  
"We're making maps," Macintyre said. "Every time a moon fragment hits the Earth, we change our maps. It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it!"  
  
"I don't think anyone really cares," Jet said.

  
"Shows what you know," Applederry said. "We care, and that's all that matters. I love my job more than I love my kid! Where is the little squirt nowadays?"

"We don't care about your kid," Spike said. "We're taking you in."  
  
Spike and Jet took out their guns and pointed them at Applederry.

"You guys are no fun," Applederry said. Applederry and MacIntyre began hurling eggs at Spike and Jet, knocking the guns from their hands.

"What the fou?" Spike said. Suddenly, Applederry's foot slammed into Spike's face, knocking him back. Spike launched a flurry of punches and kicks at Applederry, but the mapmaker skillfully dodged them all and decked Spike in the face again. Spike stumbled back.

"Did I mention Applederry is the World Kickboxing Champion 23 times running?" Macintyre said.

  
"It's true, it's true," Applederry said. "I'll make you tap out!"  
  
"WAIT!" yelled a girl's voice from afar. The four men all turned around to see Edward running towards them.

"Edward?" Spike said.  
  
"Francoise?" Applederry said.

"FRANCOISE?" Spike and Jet both yelled out in surprise. Edward hopped into Applederry's arms and gave Applederry a big hug.

  
"Finally, the prodigal son has returned!" Applederry said.

  
"I'm your daughter," Edward said. "Don't you remember?"  
  
"I must have forgotten after that 19th kickboxing championship," Applederry said. 

"Edward's your kid?" Jet asked.

"Yup yup!" Edward said. "Spike-person and Jet-person, meet father-person! Father-person, this is Spike and Jet!"  
  
Applederry ran over and gave Spike the Rock Bottom, and then The People's Elbow.

"What was that for?" Spike asked, getting up.

"You guys are pedophiles," Applederry said.

  
"No no," Edward said. "You've got them confused with the _other _two guys!"  
  
"Oh yeah," Applederry said. "Macintyre, did you kill those guys yet?"  
  
"Yeah," Macintyre said. 

  
"Good," Applederry said. "Anyway, thanks for taking care of my kid. Here ya go."  


Applederry handed Spike and Jet a basket of eggs.

  
"What about the bounty?" Jet asked.

"That bounty was 50 wulongs, not 50 million!" Edward said. "Edward put a decimal point after the 50!"  
  
"It figures," Spike said.

"Wow, this really sucks," Jet said. 

"Not really," Spike said. "I like eggs!"

---

Meanwhile, Faye had miraculously found her old house! And it was miraculously still standing! She tried to get inside.

"The door's locked," Faye said. She rang the doorbell. A short bald man with a mustache stepped outside.

"Hey," the man said. "Who are you?"  
  
"This is my house," Faye said.

  
"What?" the man said. "This house belongs to me, Stone Cold Steve Austin IV! Get off my property!"

"But I live here," Faye said.

  
"What?" Austin IV said.

  
"But-"  
  
"What?"

  
"I-"  
  
"What? What? What?" Austin IV yelled. "Now, I said get off of-"  
  
"Oh, let the nice girl in," came a female voice from inside.

  
"You shut up, Debra!" Austin IV yelled. "I'm gonna stomp a mudhole in you and walk it dry!"

"I'll come back later," Faye said.

  
"You'd better never come back, or I'll open a can on you!" Austin IV said. "What? What? What?"  
  
Faye closed the door and sighed.

"It was a pretty nice house," Faye said. "Guess that stupid wrestler must have bought it in the last 54 years."

---

__

I close my eyes and I keep seeing things

Edward handed a pinwheel to Spike.

"Go away," Spike said. "I don't want that stupid thing."

__

Because there's dust in there, and I had to blink

  
Spike stood at the window of the Bebop with a stern look on his face.

__

Pieces of the moon just came raining down

Jet walked up to Spike. Spike was looking at a message that Edward had spray painted on the Bebop's surface.

"'Bye bye Jet, and bye bye Faye, and bye bye Ein, but Spike is mean?'" Jet read. "Oh God, Spike, what did you say to make her leave?"  


__

Those guys making maps are just stupid clowns

"I told her that she really sucked and I'd kill her if she didn't leave," Spike said. "Good riddance."  
  
"God, Spike, you're a freaking jerk," Jet said.

__

Call me, call me

Get me another beer

Call me, call me

God, I really need a beer

Because I'm having a hard knock life

I get kicked and tripped every day now

Hard knock life

Hey, are those balloons?

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Faye was sleeping on Austin IV's doorstep.

"GET ME A BEER, DEBRA!" yelled Austin's voice from inside the house.

"Geez, I wish they'd stop arguing so I could get some SLEEP!" Faye yelled.

__

I had your number quite some time ago

Then you got that restraining order

But I can still get within 200 feet, right?

"Who is that?" Austin IV yelled from inside the house. "Is there a prowler out there?"

Faye screamed and ran off of Austin's property.

__

Maybe I should just play in the snow

'Cept for that spot there

  
Because it's yellow

Meanwhile, Edward was walking through the desert. Ein ran up to her.

__

Call me, call me

I really, really need a beer

Call me, call me

I'm freezing my arse off here

"You can't come with me, Ein," Edward said.

"Woof!" Ein barked.

"I don't even have a pooper scooper," Edward said.

__

Because I'm having a hard knock life

This song makes my voice crack

Maybe I should get a life

Or work at a racetrach

"Fine, you can come with me," Edward said. "But you have to hold it in."  
  
Ein barked again.

"Peeyoo!" Edward said. "I said hold it in!"  


__

Hard knock life

Work at a racetrack

What can I do?  
  
To get through to you? (God, I REALLY could use a freaking beer over here…)

"Let's go, Ein!" Edward said. "Adventure awaits!"

Ein barked.

  
"No, we're not going to try to find Applederry. He's a deadbeat," Edward said.

__

See you, space cowgirl, someday, somewhere!

---

Jet: Everything has a beginning and an end.

  
Spike: Even this piece of crap series.

Faye: Next episode-

  
Spike: I thought you left for good!

  
Faye: No, I come back! That piece of crap Austin is sleeping in my bed! And he ate my porridge too!

Spike: Aw, I feel your pain. I guess- *eyes turn big* Julia…

  
Faye: Wholia?  
  
Spike: JULIA! *clings to the screen* 

Faye: Oh, your stupid girlfriend's in the next episode. Weee.

Jet: Only two episodes to go. Next episode: "The Real Spork Blues (Part 1)". I can't wait for this piece of crap to be over.

__


	25. The Real Spork Blues Part 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters, or the WWE, or anything else. And also, I'm 15, what would I be doing with a beer? It was the singer of the song that wanted a beer… Steve Conte something. I think he's the Steve from Blue's Clues… I mean, they both sing and stuff. If I'm wrong, well… uh… *hides*

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now. 

---

"The Beautiful People" played as a camera panned into a huge wrestling ring.

"And we're here at the Big Wrestling Arena on Mars for another great episode of PFFA Smackdown!" Michael Cole IV yelled.

"Tonight, Vicious is coming down to the ring to make a huge announcement concerning the future of the Syndicate!" Tazz IV said. "Let's watch!"  
  
"Medal" played as Vicious walked down to the ring.

"You suck! You suck! You suck!" the crowd chanted.

"Tonight, I am here to make a new announcement," Vicious said. "Tonight, the Syndicate will be reborn, and there will be a new world order, with me as the leader!"  
  
"What?" the crowd chanted.

"That's right," Vicious said. "The Syndicate is mine! It's true, it's true!"  


Suddenly, Eric Bischoff's theme played over the loudspeakers as Eric Bischoff IV, Eric Bischoff's great grandson, walked into the ring.

"Vicious," Bischoff IV said. "You say you're the new leader of the syndicate?"  
  
"That's right," Vicious said. "And no one will interfere with me."

"That's all fine and dandy, but I've got news for you," Bischoff IV said.

  
"And what might that be?" Vicious asked.

"Vicious, you've been the leader of the Syndicate for about… three minutes too long," Bischoff IV said.

"Three minutes?" Vicious said. "What are you talking about?"  
  
Two big, fat, Samoan men leaped into the ring.

"Get him, Jamal and Rosey!" Bischoff IV yelled.

Jamal IV leaped up and kicked Vicious in the face, knocking him to the ground.

  
"Argh!" Vicious yelled. Rosey IV climbed onto the turnbuckle and leapt upon Vicious, smashing him against the canvas. Jamal IV and Rosey IV each grabbed one of Vicious' arms.

  
"Well well, Vicious," Bischoff IV said, "looks like I knocked you out!"

"You'd better kill me now," Vicious said.

"Vicious, you're breaking kayfabe," Bischoff IV whispered. "You're supposed to say-"  
  
"This isn't a work, Bischoff," Vicious said. "I'm warning you."  
  
"Uh… take him away!" Bischoff IV said.

Eric Bischoff IV laughed as Rosey IV and Jamal IV took Vicious backstage. 

---

****

Session 25: The Real Spork Blues (Part 1)

---

Meanwhile, at the Big Fat Smelly Ugly Loser Bar on Mars…

"I hate Faye and Ed," Spike said. "Well, Faye's kind of hot, but I hate her too."  
  
"Me too," Jet said. "I hate them. Faye and Ed suck."  
  
"Yup," Spike said.

  
"Heh heh," Jet laughed.

Suddenly, two huge Samoan men burst into the bar.

"Uh oh," Spike said. "It's the Island Boys! They work for the Syndicate! Jet? Jet?"  
  
"Argh!" Jet yelled as Rosey IV sat on his leg, breaking it.

  
"Uh oh," Spike said. "We're in trouble…"  
  
Just then, a man with a chair leapt onto Rosey IV and smacked him in the head with a chair. Rosey IV fell to the floor, KOed.

  
"Need help?" the man asked.

  
"Lin?" Spike said.

  
"Idiot, I'm Shin!" Shin said. He turned to face Jamal IV.

"Rarr!" Jamal IV yelled, running at Shin.

"Take this!" Shin yelled, spinning around and kicking Jamal IV in the head. Jamal IV fell on top of Rosey IV, knocked out.

  
"Whoa," Spike said. "You got him.

  
"Duh," Shin said. "You might want to help your friend there. Oh, by the way, your old girlfriend Julia's alive."  
  
Shin ran out of the bar.

"Julia?" Spike said.

  
"Spike, my freaking leg hurts!" Jet wailed, crying like a baby. "Kiss it!"

---

At the doctor…

"That's a nasty fracture," the doctor said. "Were you rough-housing?"  
  
"No," Jet said.

  
"Were you jumping on the bed and you fell off?" the doctor asked.

  
"Nooo!" Jet wailed. "Make it stop hurting!"

  
Spike took out his gun and shot Jet in the leg.

  
"AAAH!" Jet screamed. "Why would you do that?"  
  
"It usually fixes things when I shoot them," Spike said. 

"It doesn't work on legs!" Jet yelled.

"Julia…" Spike sighed.

*flashback*

__

"I'm not jobbing to Vicious," Spike said. "I'm gonna walk out on the SSWWE."  
  
"Why?" Julia asked. "Aren't you and Vicious friends? Eleven-time tag team champs?"  
  
"Yeah, but I'm supposed to be the SSWWE champ, not Vicious," Spike said. "He's the upstart winner of Rough Enough, and they're pushing him to the moon."  
  
"The fans love Vicious," Julia said.

"And you do too," Spike said. "I can sense it in your voice."  
  
"Spike, that's just a storyline," Julia said.

"Everything is a work to me," Spike said.

*Julia's flashback*

__

"ARGH!" Vicious yelled. "Spike cost me my chance to be SSWWE champ… since Spike didn't job, they had me feud with Austin! Do you know how over he is?"  
  
"You'll win the title eventually," Julia said.

"I hate Spike," Vicious said. "Julia, I want Spike dead! And you're going to do it!"  
  
"Me?" Julia asked. "But why?"  
  
"I'm too lazy," Vicious said. "So, you're going to kill Spike. Or you will DIE!"

---

Meanwhile, at a spaceport on Mars…

  
"This sucks," Faye said. "Lousy security checks. I've been waitingsix hours…"  
  
"I've been waiting six hours too," said an old woman who had been sitting next to Faye. "My son hasn't come back yet."  
  
"Who is he?" Faye asked.

  
"He's the guy from Bigshot," the woman said.

"Didn't you hear? The blonde chick went crazy and killed him!" Faye said.

"Oh," the woman said. "Well, no matter then. I had a 10,000,000-wulong life insurance policy on him anyway."  
  
"You lucky, lucky woman," Faye said. Suddenly, her cell phone rang. She took it out. It was Spike on the other line.

"Hey," Spike said. "You gotta come back."  
  
"Why?" Faye asked.

"I need your help," Spike said. "Julia's alive."  
  
"Really?" Faye said. "Who's that?"  
  
"My old girlfriend," Spike said. "Anyway, you gotta come back."  
  
"Why would I come back if your girlfriend is alive?" Faye asked.

  
"You coming, or not?" Spike asked.

  
"I've got nothing better to do," Faye said. "Okay, I'm coming back."

Faye put the phone away.

"Faye-Faye, you're finally needed for something besides tasteless sex appeal," Faye said. "Alrighty then!"  


Suddenly, a beautiful blonde-haired woman ran past Faye.

"Look out!" the woman yelled. "Austin's got a chair!"  
  
Stone Cold Steve Austin IV was chasing Julia.

  
"Not you again," Faye said.

  
"I came from the SSWWE to open a can on that woman!" Austin IV yelled. "What do you want?"  
  
"I want your house first," Faye said. "It belonged to me."  
  
"What?" Austin said.

  
"I've had enough of-" Faye said before Austin cut her off with another "What?"  
  
"What? What? What?" Austin said. He grabbed Faye and gave her the Stone Cold Stunner. "And that's the bottom line, because-"  
  
The woman shot Stone Cold Steve Austin IV through the head.

  
"Thanks," Faye said, standing up and rubbing her head. "By the way, my name is Faye. What's yours?"  
  
A dramatic ten-minute pause.

"Julia," the woman said.

"Like, oh my gawd!" Faye said in an amazed valley-girl tone of voice. "You're like, really Julia? Spike's dead girlfriend? Totally cool!"

"Uh yeah," Julia said. "Except I'm not dead. Anyway, tell Spike I'm going to meet him at a graveyard."  
  
"Which one?" Faye asked.

"He'll just have to get lucky," Julia said, turning to walk away.

  
"Wait," Faye said. "So… what's Spike really like?"  
  
Julia smiled.

  
"Spike's the nicest, coolest, strongest, toughest, baddest, smartest, greatest, most loyal, truthful, most incredible man in the entire universe," Julia said.

  
"Really?" Faye said. "That's all I needed. I LOVE SPIKE SPIEGEL!"  
  
No facefault.

  
"I love him too," Julia said. 

"Yeah, well, I love him more," Faye said. "So there."

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"Does this hurt?" Spike said, whacking Jet on the leg.

  
"Argh!" Jet yelled. "My reflexes are fine Spike, but-"  
  
"This?" Spike asked, kicking Jet in the knee.  
  
"Son of a- yes, it hurts!" Jet yelled.

"Oh," Spike said. "Just wondering."

"Spike, I have a question," Jet said.

  
"Yeah?" Spike said. "What is it?"  
  
"You know, it's pretty sad about Julia and all, but why can't you just let it go?" Jet asked. "I understand you loved her very, very, very much, and that it was very sad when she disappeared, but why can't you just move on to another woman?"  
  
"You want to know why, Jet?" Spike asked.

"Yes," Jet said. 

  
"You really want to know?" Spike asked.

  
"YES!" Jet yelled.

"I'll tell you," Spike said. "Because I'm a mean, thick-headed, stuck-up moronic jerk who just doesn't know the meaning of 'get over it'. You happy now?"  
  
"Very," Jet said. 

Faye ran into the main room of the Bebop.

"Spike! I have good news, and I have great news!" Faye announced.

"Good news first," Spike said.

  
"Alright," Faye said. "Your stupid dead girlfriend Julia is back. She wants to meet you at the haunted cemetary."

"Julia?" Spike said, going into a trance. "Julia…"  
  
Spike ran off.

"Didn't you want to hear the great news, Spike-darling?" Faye asked. "Didn't you?"  
  
Suddenly, the Bebop's phone rang. Jet picked it up.

  
"Hello?" Jet said. "Nope, wrong number."  
  
Jet hung up the phone.

"Who was that?" Faye asked.

"It's from Bob Vicioustriedtotakeoverthesyndicateandnowthesyndicateisgoingaftereveryoneassociatedwithviciousandeveryoneassociatedwitheveryoneassociatedwithviciousandthatmeansthatthebebopwillsoonbeattackedbythesyndicate," Jet said. "He had a wrong number. Either that, or he didn't have enough change to make a phone call."  
  
"I see," Faye said. Spike walked back into the room.

"Guys, the Syndicate wants to kill us," Spike said. "It's all Vicious' fault."

Spike hopped into the Swordfish and flew out of the Bebop.

"Wait!" Faye yelled. "Don't you want to hear the great news?"  
  
Spike had left.

"Grrr…" Faye growled, hopping into the Redtail. "I swear, I love that man, but sometimes stuff just goes in one ear and out the other."  
  
The Redtail flew out of the Bebop, following the Swordfish.

---

Meanwhile, in the wrestling ring, Vicious was being held in place by Kevin Nash IV and Big Show IV.

"Nobody betrays the Syndicate, brother!" Hulk Hogan (Hulk never dies, brother! It's the original article!) said, holding a can of spraypaint.

"Hey yo," Scott Hall IV said. "I'm gonna spray you!"  


Scott Hall IV began to laugh. Vicious just stood there, frowning.

---

Outside the Bebop…

"They sent the Hardy Boyz after us," Spike said. "Let's shoot 'em down, Faye!"

"But Spike," Faye said. "Don't you want to hear the great news?"  
  
Spike was too busy dogfighting with Jeff Hardy IV.

"Looks like this babe needs a Mattitude adjustment!" Matt Hardy IV said, chasing after Faye in his space fighter.  
  
"Nobody messes with Faye Valentine!" Faye said, shooting at the elder Hardy.

---

"So, Vicious, how does it feel to be embarrassed?" Eric Bischoff IV asked. 

"You should have killed me," Vicious said.

"Syndicate 4 life, brother!" Hulk Hogan said, pointing the spray paint at Vicious.

Suddenly, a crowing noise began to sound throughout the arena as Raven's intro played on the Titantron.

  
"What's Raven IV doing here?" Tazz IV yelled. 

"I'm saving Vicious, that's what!" Raven IV said, shooting Hall, Show, and Nash dead.

"Hey!" Hulk Hogan said. "You're breaking kayfabe, brother!"  
  
Hulk Hogan began "hulking up". He was halted almost immediately by Vicious' katana going through his chest.

"What are you doing?" Bischoff IV yelled.

---

Meanwhile, Spike had just shot Jeff Hardy IV out of the sky.

"Jeff!" Matt Hardy IV yelled. "Alright, somebody needs a Mattitude adjust-"  
  
"Take your Mattitude and shove it!" Faye yelled, shooting Matt Hardy IV out of the sky. "Spike!"  
  
"Sorry, Faye, I'm going to meet Julia," Spike said. "Farewell."  
  
Spike flew toward Mars.

  
"Spike!" Faye yelled. "I love you!"  
  
Spike didn't hear her.

  
"Crap!" Faye yelled.

---

Back in the ring…

"What are you going to do?" Bischoff IV yelled.

  
"You will cry tears of scarlet," Vicious said, slashing his katana across Bischoff's eyes. Blood spurted from Bischoff's eye sockets. 

"ARGH!" Bischoff IV yelled, running around and screaming. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS HURTS???"  
  
Eric Bischoff stumbled out of the ring and fell to the ground.

  
"He's dead," Vicious said. 

"NO I'M NOT!" Bischoff IV yelled. "MY FREAKING EYES!"  
  
After about fifteen minutes of screaming, Bischoff IV died.

"Wow," Raven IV yelled. "That's a really crappy way to go."

"Yeah, I spent a while thinking that one up," Vicious said. He grabbed a mic and held it to his mouth. "As of now, I rule the Syndicate!"  
  
The crowd was silent for a few seconds. Then, they began to chant "you suck" repeatedly.

"I get no respect," Vicious said.

  
"If you wanted respect, you should have been a face," Raven IV said.

"What do you know?" Vicious yelled.

---

Meanwhile, in the haunted graveyard…

  
"Julia?" Spike yelled. "You here?"  
  
A gun was pointed at Spike's head.

"I'm here," Julia said. 

"What's with the gun?" Spike asked.

"This is supposed to be a cliffhanger, numbnuts," Julia said.

"Oh," Spike said.

__

To be continued…

---

Spike: I… love… acting really tough!

Jet: Seeing Faye in handcuffs.

Faye: Perv!

Jet: Flying around space…

Ed: With the twins!

Spike: Twins?  
  
Vicious: I… LOVE… slashing Spike across the chest!

Jet: Seeing Faye's luscious breasts!

Faye: JET!

  
Jet: Sorry…

  
Faye: Kissing Spike on the lips!

Jet: I wish Faye had a twin.

All: AND I… LOVE YOU TOO!

  
Spike, Faye, Jet, and Ed: HERE'S TO BEBOP!

Ry Senkari: Next episode: "The Real Spork Blues (Part 2)"! It's been a great ride! I love you all! 

Spike: Who the heck are you?


	26. The Real Spork Blues Part 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, yada yada whatever. 

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now. 

Note: It's finally complete! The greatest Bebop comedy fanfic ever is finally complete! Anyway, I just want to thank all my reviewers and readers… you guys are great! Thank you so much! This grand finale is for you!

---

Spike stood in the graveyard with a stunned look on his face as Julia pointed the gun at his head.

"Okay, it's part 2," Spike said. "You can put the gun down now."  
  
Julia put her gun away.

"JULIA!" Spike yelled, running over and giving her a big hug. "I've missed you so much!"  


"Yeah, I missed you too," Julia said. "Spike, I can't breathe. Please stop hugging me."  
  
Spike released Julia.

  
"Sorry," Spike said. "So, anyway, what's the deal? It's been three freaking years!"  


"I've sorta been hiding from Vicious," Julia said. "He wants you dead, and he wants me to kill you. But I'm not going to kill you, so he wants us both dead. Of course, if you really loved me, you'd let me kill you so I could stay alive."  
  
"And if you really loved me, you'd kill yourself so I could stay alive," Spike said. 

"But it doesn't matter now, because we're finally together again!" Julia said. "Let's run away to Mars!"

"We're already on Mars," Spike said.

"Oh," Julia said. "Well, let's run away to Earth then."  
  
"But Earth sucks," Spike said.

"We have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide," Julia said. "Both of us are probably going to die before this episode is over."  
  
"Yep," Spike agreed.

---

****

Session 26: The Real Spork Blues (Part 2)

---

"Vicious has been standing in the ring for an hour," Tazz IV said. "He's breathing heavily."  
  
"You think he's having a heart attack?" Michael Cole IV said. "I hope the big bully dies!"

"I hope the big bully lives," Tazz said. "I'm a heel announcer."

Shin ran into the ring and approached Vicious.

  
"So many bodies," Shin said. "Did you really kill all those people?"  
  
"Yes," Vicious said. "I'm evil. That's what I do."

"My shoes have blood stains on them," Shin said. "It's all your fault. These were $350 Nikes. I'm going to go wait for Spike now."  
  
Shin ran off.

"Nobody loves me," Vicious said. "Nobody cares."

---

Meanwhile, in the city outside the wrestling arena…

"I sense a disturbance in the Force," Spike said. "Somebody's dying!"  
  
"I wonder who?" Julia asked.

  
Spike and Julia ran into Annie's shop.

"Annie!" Julia said. Annie was lying on the floor with a large gash on her head. Standing next to her was a car with a smashed-up window.

"I got attacked from behind," Annie said.

"Who did it?" Spike said.

  
"I don't know," Annie said. "I got attacked from behind, you big idiot."  
  
"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Spike said. "Wow, that's a nasty cut you've got too. Blood everywhere."  
  
"I'm dying, Spike," Annie groaned weakly.

"No you're not!" Spike said. "You'll be fine!"

Annie died.

"I'm getting even more angry now," Spike said.

  
"Are we still going to run away?" Julia asked.

"Yeah, but first, I'm going to make a furious revenge attack on some thugs and get one of us killed," Spike said.

  
"Sounds fun!" Julia said. "Let's go!"

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"I can't believe Spike didn't stay to hear my great news!" Faye huffed angrily. "I love Spike! I love him!"  
  
"Good for you," Jet said, dipping his leg in hot water. "My leg hurts."  
  
"So?" Faye asked. "You big dumb idiot. Why'd you let him go?"

Jet stood up and reached over to grab Faye. However, his leg was still broken. He fell down.

  
"Argh!" Jet yelled. "My freaking leg!"

"Ha ha," Faye laughed.

  
"It's not funny, Faye," Jet said. "Spike's my friend!"

"He's my boyfriend," Faye said.

  
"He's not your boyfriend," Jet said, "and he never will be. Give it a rest."

"Grrr… lots of girls love you! Alisa, Meifa, and the list goes on!" Faye screamed.

"No duh," Jet said. "I'm the mack-daddy pimp, yo. Wanna board my ho train?"  
  
"Not really," Faye said.

"Maybe Julia wants to join my ho train," Jet said. "Is she a fly chick?"  
  
"Yeah, but I hate her because she likes Spike. God, she's gonna get him killed one of these days," Faye said.

---

Meanwhile, in Annie's store…

  
"Why are we still here?" Julia asked.

  
"Because I want to kill people!" Spike said. "I'm Spike freaking Spiegel!"

Triple H IV and the UnAmericans entered the shop.

"There they are!" Test IV yelled, waving the American flag upside down. "Show those dirty Americans who's boss!"

"We're not from America," Spike said. "America got wiped out in the Goku Fart Disaster."

"Serves those bloody Americans right!" William Regal IV said. "Get them!"

Triple H IV ran at Julia and threw a punch at her while the four UnAmericans leapt on Spike. Spike immediately shot Lance Storm IV and Christian IV dead immediately, but then went ran into a Big Boot from Test IV.

"Yeah!" Test IV yelled.

Suddenly, a leg swept under Test IV, knocking him to the ground. Spike stood up and pointed his gun at Test IV.

"Say goodnight, UnAmerican!" Spike said. 

  
"Hey!" William Regal IV yelled. "You bloody bloke!"  
  
William Regal IV reached into his pants and pulled out a pair of brass knuckles. He put them on.

"Time for the Power of the Punch!" Regal IV yelled. He pulled his fist back… and was shot dead by Spike. Spike then shot Test IV dead.

"Nothing like the smell of dead UnAmericans in the morning," Spike said.

  
"Spike, help!" Julia yelled. Triple H IV had locked Julia's arms and was about to Pedigree her.  


"Julia, noooo!" Spike yelled. He pointed his gun at Triple H and fired… but it was too late. Triple H leapt up and Pedigreed Julia just as Spike had shot him through the head. The dying Julia and the dead Triple H fell to the ground. Spike rushed to Julia's side. 

"Spike…" Julia said weakly. "I'm… I'm dying…"  
  
"No, you can't die! Not from a stupid wrestling move!" Spike said.

"That no-jobbing idiot Triple Roids botched it," Julia said. "He crushed my ribs into my heart…"

"Yeah, he can't wrestle for crap," Spike said. "Julia, don't die!"  
  
Spike began giving chest compressions to Julia.

"That just makes it worse," Julia said. "My ribs were crushed, remember?"  
  
"No!" Spike yelled. "You will live!"

Spike picked up Julia and gave her the Heimlich maneuver repeatedly. 

"I'm not choking, Spike," Julia said.

Spike pressed a defibrillator against Julia's chest.

  
"CLEAR!" Spike yelled, coursing thousands of volts of electricity through her body.

  
"Nope, still dying," Julia said.

After trying several more methods of resuscitating Julia, including ancient voodoo rituals and a Phoenix Down, nothing worked.

"I suck!" Spike yelled. "Why won't you live?"  
  
"Goodbye, Spike…" Julia said, fading away from the mortal plane.

  
"NOOOO!" Spike yelled. He stood up and began breathing heavily. His eyes began flashing blue and his hair began flashing from green to gold. "I…won't…let…you…GET AWAY…with THIS! ARGH!"

In a brilliant flash of energy, Spike went Super Saiyan. It was really mondo cool! *calls all his friends* Did you see that? Oh my God, Spike went Super Saiyan! Yeah, I know it was cool! Wow! *hangs up phone* Okay, I'm done now.

---

Meanwhile, at the Indian oracle's tent on Mars…

  
"Spike's going to die," the Indian said.

  
"No he's not," Jet said.

"Yes he is," the Indian said. "Spike's gonna die."  
  
"No," Jet said.

"He's about to kick the bucket. Spike will cease to be," the Indian said. "If you call Spike on the phone tomorrow, he won't answer. Why? Because he's going to die!"

"You suck," Jet said, leaving the Indian's tent.

"Spike's going to die," the Indian said. "Oooh… and while Julia's going to Heaven, Spike's going to burn in Hell. Wow, sucks to be him."

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"The Indian said you were going to die," Jet said, staring at Spike's super-cool Super Saiyan-ness. "Wow, you are totally mondo cool."  
  
"Yeah, I know," Spike said. "I'm a Super Saiyan. I'm going to kick the crap out of Vicious."  
  
"If you go, you'll die," Jet said.

"Jet, you're my best friend," Spike said. 

"I know," Jet said. "That's why-"  
  
"You're my best friend," Spike said.

  
"Stop saying that!" Jet yelled. "You're only foreshadowing your death!"  
  
"You're my best friend, Jet," Spike said. 

"Spike, I have to tell you something," Jet said. "I have a huge crush on Faye. I think I love her."  
  
"You're my best friend, Jet," Spike said. 

"Spike, you don't understand-" 

"Once upon a time, there was a tiger-striped cat," Spike said. "He lived a thousand lives, then he died."  
  
"What's the moral of that story?" Jet asked.

"You're my best friend, Jet," Spike said, getting up and leaving the room.

---

Spike walked through the halls of the Bebop.

  
"I'm gonna fight Vicious, yes I am," Spike sang. "And no one's gonna stop me, no way, no how…"

Faye walked up to Spike and pointed a gun at his head.

  
"Second time I've had a gun pointed at my head today," Spike said. "Faye, what do you want?"

"Spike, I have to tell you my great news," Faye said. "And you're going to stand here and listen, or I'm gonna blow out your brains."  
  
"I don't care," Spike said. "I'm already dead."  
  
"Spike, you are a thick-headed, stubborn moron," Faye said.

  
"What's your point?" Spike asked.

  
"Spike Spiegel… I LOVE YOU!" Faye screamed. "I love you with all of my being! You're the love of my life! Being with you makes me feel complete! You're the most incredible, wonderful man on Earth! Spike Spiegel, I want you to marry me right now!"  
  
Spike stared at Faye for a good fifteen minutes.

"Faye," Spike said. "Is that all?"  
  
"What do you mean, 'is that all?' I love you!" Faye shouted.

"Goooood for you," Spike said, continuing to walk toward the door of the Bebop. "I'm going to go fight Vicious now. Goodbye, Faye."

Faye took off all of her clothes and hurled them at Spike.

  
"Is it sex you want?" Faye asked. "Anything you want!"

Spike turned around.

"Faye…" Spike said. 

  
"I'm up for anything!" Faye asked. "I can make your fantasies come true!"

Spike looked up at the heavens.

  
"God, you're making it really hard for me to leave and go kill Vicious," Spike said. "If you're trying to keep me from killing him, you're doing a darn good job."

"Come on, Spike!" Faye said. "Don't go! Don't die! I love you!"  
  
Spike stared at Faye's chest.

"Man, this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make," Spike said. "But after Julia died, you see… I sort of… joined the other team, so to speak."  
  
"WHAT?" Faye yelled.

  
"I'm gay, Faye," Spike said. "I'm really attracted to Vicious, you know? And I thought it would be really romantic for us to die in each other's arms. So I have to kill Vicious, and he has to kill me. That's just the way it is."

Spike left the Bebop.

  
"Oh yeah?" Faye said. "Well, if Vicious kidnaps me, you'll fall in love with me!"

Faye put on her clothes.

  
"I'm gonna get captured by Vicious!" Faye said.

  
"No you're not," Jet yelled from the other room. "You see, nobody cares about us minor characters. So our storylines end here, unresolved."  
  
"Shows what you know!" Faye yelled, running out of the Bebop.

---

At the huge wrestling ring on Mars…

  
"Spike's coming here," Vicious said. "And I'm going to kill him, and he's going to kill me. I love this!"

---

Super Saiyan Spike parked the Swordfish in front of the huge wrestling arena and climbed out.

"Here it is," Spike said. "The final showdown. Gosh, I really shouldn't have lied to Faye like that. But now that she thinks I'm gay, she won't come after me. Spike Spiegel, you are the smartest guy in the whole wide world!"

Spike walked into the building.

---

"Now, what are we going to do once Spike comes in?" Big Show IV asked.

"Get him!" the other wrestlers yelled.

  
"Why?" Big Show IV yelled.

"Because Vicious said so!" the other wrestlers yelled.   
  
"Here he comes!" Big Show IV yelled before getting his head punched off by Super Saiyan Spike.

"I'm here for Vicious," Spike said. "But it seems he's having jobbers come after me first. Well, you're all gonna die, if ya smelelelel… aw, enough of that."  
  
Spike took out his gun and shot the other wrestlers dead.

"Now to get Vicious!" Spike yelled, running up the stairs. When he reached the second floor, Shin approached him.

"Spike," Shin said. "Vicious is crazy."  
  
"I know that," Spike said. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I don't know," Shin said. Suddenly, he was shot from behind.

  
"Shin!" Spike yelled. He looked to see who the shooter was. "It's Stephanie McMahon IV!"  


"That's right!" Stephanie IV screamed in her annoying, high-pitched, screeching voice. "I'm gonna get you, Spike Spiegel!"  
  
Stephanie IV took out her gun and fired at Spike, grazing his shoulder. Spike took out a grenade.

"I don't have time for this crap," Spike yelled, tossing the grenade. It went into Stephanie's big mouth. "See ya later!"

  
Spike ran past Stephanie as the grenade exploded, blowing her into bits.

---

In the wrestling ring…

"Spike Spiegel is here," Vicious said. 

"IF YA SMELELELELELELEL… WHAT SPIKE… IS COOKIN'!" the PA system blared as Spike walked up the entrance ramp. He took out his gun.

"Vicious, you jabroni!" Spike yelled. "You killed Spike's friends, Shin, Annie, and Julia! Spike's not gonna stand for that!"

Vicious unsheathed his katana.  
  
"Your friends were losers," Vicious said.

  
"What?" the crowd chanted.

"Oh, it's true, it's true," Vicious said.

  
"What?" the crowd chanted.

"Vicious, do you like pie?" Spike asked.

"I thoroughly enjoy pie," Vicious said.

"What?" the crowd chanted.

  
"Spike used to eat pie every day," Spike said. "It was baked for Spike by a very special woman named Julia. And every day, Julia would go one-on-one with The Great One! And Spike would get himself a big piece of poontang pie, if ya smelelelelel… what Spike is cookin'!"

The crowd cheered madly.

"So," Spike said, "you roodypoo jabroni. Spike is gonna take this gun, shine it up real nice, turn it sideways, and stick it STRAIGHT UP your roodypoo candyarse!"

"Oh yeah?" Vicious said. "Well, Spike… WHERE ARE YOUR MEDALS?"

"What?" the crowd chanted.

"Vicious, the only medal you have is the medal for being a roodypoo jabroni!" Spike yelled. "And the medal for being the worst wrestler in the SSWWE!"

The crowd cheered.

"Spike, I'm a boy, and you're a man!" Vicious yelled. "And I'm gonna get on top of you, and-"

The crowd laughed.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" Spike yelled. "What in the blue hell are you talking about, you sick fffffffffffffreak?"

"That's not what I meant!" Vicious yelled. "It's true, it's true! Get your butt in this ring right now!"

Spike ran into the ring and pointed his gun at Vicious. 

"Vicious," Spike said. "You're going down!"

  
"WAAAAAIT!" Faye yelled, running up the entrance ramp. "Spike, I love you!"  
  
"Faye, where'd you come from?" Spike asked. "You're not supposed to be here. Your last scene was-"  
  
"Shut up!" Faye yelled. "I came here to get captured by Vicious and to get Spike to fall in love with me!"  


"Faye, if you leave now, you can be in the sequel!" Spike offered.

"Will you be in it?" Faye asked.

"No, I'll be dead. But Cowboy Andy's gonna be in it," Spike said.

  
"Dreamy Cowboy Andy?" Faye asked. "Okay…"  


Faye left the arena.

  
"Now can we get back to killing each other?" Vicious asked.

  
"Alrighty," Spike said. Vicious and Spike began sword fighting. Except Spike had a gun.  


"Hey," Vicious said. "Why didn't you get a sword?"  
  
"I thought this would be a gunfight," Spike said. "Why didn't you get a gun?"  
  
"Because I was under the impression that this would be a sword fight," Vicious said.

  
"You mean you were under the influence," Spike said.

  
"Argh, that does it!" Vicious yelled. Vicious kicked Spike to the ground and put him in the Angle Lock.

"Argh!" Spike yelled. "My ankle!"  
  
Spike began to crawl to the ropes.

  
"You can't escape!" Vicious said. "Oh, it's true! It's true!"

In an incredible burst of strength, Spike managed to break free from Vicious' ankle lock. He stood up.

  
"Vicious, you jabroni!" Spike said. "You're gonna get what you deserve!"  


Spike put his arm around Vicious' neck, lifted him up, and slammed him to the ground, hard. 

"THE ROCK BOTTOM!" Michael Cole IV yelled. "OH MY GOD!"

Spike stood over the fallen Vicious and began to swing his arms. He threw his elbow pads into the crowd.

  
"OH MY GOD! THE MOST ELECTRIFYING MOVE IN ANIME, SPORTS, AND ENTERTAINMENT! THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW!" Michael Cole IV screamed before dying of an excitement-induced heart attack. Spike leapt off one turnbuckle. He leapt off the other turnbuckle. He ran up to Vicious and prepared to drop his elbow onto him.

  
"Say goodnight, jabroni!" Spike said. But just before Spike's elbow came down, Vicious picked up his sword and slashed Spike across the stomach.

"You're dead, Spike," Vicious said. "Oh, it's true. It's-"  
  
The fallen Spike picked up his gun and pointed it at Vicious' chest.

"Catch this," Spike said. He shot a single bullet through Vicious' chest, killing him. "Jabroni."  
  
Spike depowered out of SSJ, stood up, and began weakly walking out of the arena.

---

Outside the arena, a group of wrestlers were crowded around the entrance. Spike limped up to them. He took his index finger and pointed it at the crowd.

"I really should have **bang**ed Faye," Spike said, making a shooting motion with his finger. He then collapsed onto the ground. "Blue" began to play, but was interrupted as two fanboys ran up to the fallen Spike.

"You know Spike's not dead," the first fanboy said.

"Whatever. Everything throughout the whole series lead up to his death," the other fanboy said.

  
"Yeah right! Spike's still alive! He'll be back in the sequel!" the first fanboy yelled.

"They're not gonna make a sequel!" the other fanboy yelled. "It would run the series into the ground!"

"No it wouldn't!" the first fanboy protested. "More Bebop would be the best thing that could ever happen to the series!"

  
"No way! If they made more Bebop, it would end up like DBZ!" the other fanboy yelled.

"Don't EVER insult DBZ!" the first fanboy yelled. "You big loser!"  
  
"You suck!" the other fanboy yelled. "Bring it on!"

The two fanboys began rolling around on the ground, fighting. "Blue" started up again.

__

Never read a better fic

This story is the greatest thing to ever exist

It's just like sliced bread (only better)

Ask myself what he wrote it for

And now I know the reason he did

To bring meaning to our worthless existence

Our worthless existence

Now that it's over I'm turning blue

Can it really be over? It's gotta be an illusion

No, it really is over?

Oh craaaaaaaap

What a bunch of craaaaaaap

This story's really gone…

I think I'll leap off a bridge!

Oh craaaaaaap

Why did it have to end so soon?

Pleeeeease

Don't end it this soon

There's gotta be more after this!

Oh craaaaaaaap

What a bunch of craaaaaaap

This story's really gone…

I think I'll leap off a bridge!

At least there'll be a sequel

Till then, life is just a bottomless pit of despair

I'm waiting…

****

You're gonna carry that weight… oops, did it break your back? I knew I shouldn't have made the end so heavy… what's this? ***looks* A subpoena? Oh crap, and on top of the copyright lawsuits too… bankruptcy court, here I come! *runs***

FIN

(Well, that's it for The Funny Sessions! I can't believe it's actually over… *sniffles* anyway, to my loyal readers again: Thanks for the good reviews and loyal support! *hugs* You guys (well, mostly girls anyway… I'm a lucky guy ^_^) are great! For all you sequel-watchers, Cowboy Bebop: The Funnier Sessions will be written sometime next year, starting in February or March! My next project, however, will be a Sailor Moon fanfic called "Looking Up To You". It's an Ami/Sammy romance adventure fanfic, and it'll be a bit more serious than this one! That'll come out sometime in late-October to mid-November, so watch for it! Anyway, thanks again for the support, and I'll see ya on the flipside! Signed, your friendly neighborhood author, Ry Senkari!)


	27. Special Thanks and Sequel Preview!

(Because I'm a nice guy- at least I think I am! I'm going to take this final "chapter" to give personal thanks to every single person who reviewed my fanfic, as well as give an official preview to Cowboy Bebop: The Funnier Sessions, moved up to Thanksgiving!) Prepare for the anime smiley barrage! 

Krap Niknil: Almost peed your pants laughing? I'm sorry… _ Hope ya found a bathroom in time! Maybe you should keep a port-a-potty by whatever computer you plan to read the fanfic with! Or bring a laptop into the bathroom! Just don't drop it in the sink or something!

Trunkz: You got on board, late, didn't ya? Welp, thanks for the nice reviews! Your Gundam parodies are pretty funny! If you want lessons, they're $100,000 a piece! You see, I'm saving up to buy the rights to Faye Valentine so I can write about her without having to put up a disclaimer! ^_^

Saphaharinette: *watches her die and gasps* Noooo! *does CPR on her* Live! *hooks her up to a defibrillator* Live! Live! *does voodoo rituals to try to revive her* Noooo! *gives her a Phoenix Down* LIIIIVE! *goes SSJ* Wow, I'm a blonde now. *touches hair, is poked by SSJ-spikes* Ouch! 

Writeress: You reviewed my story a buncha times! *huggles* Thank you so much! Although you did dirty up my review column with your potty mouth! ^_^ *hands her a bar of soap* Clean up your (bleep) language! Hee hee! Although your fanfic is pretty funny! I wanna see some Faye and Julia HLA! Gonna have to turn you down on the marriage offer though. Sailor Mercury is the girl for me! ^_^

Linsey: Glad that you like baseball as much as I do! (Wait, that's not very much… never mind.) Thanks for the nice review! Although I don't think my male readers liked the "shrinks" line very much… *cringes* Me neither! ^_^

Anonymous Chap. 1 Reviewer: You've read funnier Bebop parodies? Can you show me? I'd really love to read them! Seriously, I have seen several other funny Bebop parodies on the site, but I think mine's pretty good too! Sorry that you didn't like the fanfic, though!

Naomi-chan: Welp, now you can see what I have in store for session two! And sessions 3-26 too! Hope ya read the whole thing! 

Kouryou Akikaze: Same thing I said to naomi-chan, there's 25 more chappies for you to read! BTW, I read your poetry, and it's pretty good. And major LOL at the slack-jawed yokels! *recalls the Simpsons ep* Some folk'll never eat a skunk, and then again some folk'll, like Cletus, the Slack-Jawed Yokel! ^_^

Kelly Cracken: Ah, my first and one of my most loyal reviewers! *huggles* Thank you so much for your constant support! ^_^ I'm glad to see fellow Star Wars fans like you on FF.net, and your Star Wars/Bebop crossover is great! Y'know, Edward and Sebulba have a lot in common, what with their crazy limbs and stuff! Ed would make a great podracer! I can see it now… "Vroom, vroom, GO EDWARD!" Welp, I've rambled enough! Hee hee!

Pangaea: Yup, Spike's kinda poor! One wulong! And I'm glad you liked the giggly Pillsbury Meifa line!

Mr. Zombie: I'm glad you enjoy a good laugh! I do too! ^_^ Hope you read the rest of the story!

Anonymous Chap. 3 Reviewer: I don't have too much time… I've got school and stuff! It's high school, that's a lotta homework! But I do most of it in class, so I have time at home! 

Ringo: Yup yup yup, pretty good!

Twiggy, The Water Skiing Hampster: Hee, what a kawaii name! *huggles the hampster* I wanna see you waterski! But seriously, thankies for the really nice review! Maybe you shouldn't read at 4AM, it makes you all trippy and stuff! ^_^

EdSweetTooth: Yeah, Spike said "doo doo head"! You oughta hear what he says to Andy in dun dun dun… The Banned Episode! Spike's a mean name-caller!

The Great One: Aaaah! Don't mail me spam! I already get enough Klez! I have to delete it all, but sometimes I don't know which ones are Klez… now the ficcie's done, so you don't have to threaten me more! Thanks for the nice reviews though! *huggles*

Lady Razorsharp: Aren't crossover lines funny? It's nice to see Spike talking like Sailor Moon once in a while! And I love The Rerun Show… I think they cancelled it, though! Remember the Married With Children/Planet of the Apes spoof? That one was great! ^_^ You gotta finish Bloodlines! Athenie's a cutie… but I'm in so much suspense as to what's gonna happen to her! Will she get rescued? Actually, my money's on her escaping herself! She's one tough cookie! 

Rhapsody: Thanks for the review! Anyway, I hope you were able to find those taped episodes of Bebop! Maybe if you don't find them in the store, you can tape them yourself when they come on TV! ^_^ They may be a bit edited though, but come on, who really wants to see Faye naked anyway? Wait a second, let me put that a bit differently… ^_^

R. Chocolate: You were also one of the nicest reviewers! Especially that Chap. 25 comment about me being an excellent writer with a sense of humor… thank you ever so much! ^_^ 

Kookie: Yeah, I wouldn't shout "you suck" to Vicious either… but in the story, he had a Kurt Angle gimmick, so… (BTW, Angle's one of my favorite wrestlers! It's true, it's true!) Hope you enjoyed the rest of the fic!

SinisterSetsuna: Aw, sorry you got yelled at… my mom yells at me sometimes too! ^_^ I enjoyed reading your original anime fics… it would be cool if they were actual animes… maybe some anime company executive will read them and make them into real animes! Hey, you can dream, right? ^_^

Cherry6124: Faye talking in dog= very cute! And I'm glad you liked the wrestling factor of the fanfic! Triple H is pretty cool, but the quality of his matches has dropped recently… hopefully it'll get better! And WAY better than in Chap. 26, when he Pedigreed Julia to death! ^_^ If that happened to someone like RVD or The Rock, I'd be ticked!

Random Person: Salad rhymes with ballad! Hee hee! Ballad salad! Sallllad balllllad!

Rekenner: Well, Rek, I know you from GameFAQs, and I'm glad that you came all the way from over there all the way over here to read my fanfic! Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for the nice review!

Lem: Aw, too bad about your stomach… Pepno-Bismol helps, though it tastes like icky pink stuff! ^_^ Your "Reasons" fic is great, it's always nice to see Faye-Faye bust a cap in somebody, especially that jerk Vicious! Thankies for the reviews! *hugs*

Fantasy Cat: Yup! All the chars in my story are WAY out of character! They're crazy! 'Specially that crazy ol' Spike! I read that Harrison Bergeron crossover, and I've also read the actual story! Man, if I was in post-oppressive equality law Earth, I'd bust a cap in that old Glampers lady! Or I'd have Faye do it! ^_^ 

John Brown: Thanks for the review! Yeah, my grammar can sometimes be bad… don't know what's wrong with the spelling, though! I'm like a two-time spelling bee champ… oops, bragging! Sorry!

Bleeding Wings: Aw, you didn't like? Welp, a bunch of other people did! Oh well! Your Hamtaro fic's pretty funny though. Too bad about Faye getting blown up though… those hamsters will burn in Hell! *shakes fist* No, I didn't mean you, Twiggy! *hugs Twiggy*

Katie: *watches Katie's backside run around without a body attached* Man, I gotta lay off this stuff. *sets pipe down* Thanks for the laughter, though! ^_^ *continues to watch the detached buttocks run around* I'm never using this crap again. *kicks pipe away*

Blooknaberg: Heh, that was hilarious (the boy-man thing), so I used it! Just another reason why Angle's one of my favorite wrestlers. And that is kinda creepy how Blue played while you were reading my funny version of it… I sometimes write while Bebop songs are playing on my comp! It helps me think! It usually takes me about 60-90 minutes to write a typical chapter, I'm a pretty fast typist. I usually take all the pop culture stuff I know and try to think how to integrate it into my fanfic! I think a lot of stuff up during school too. My fanfiction idol is Fritz Fraundorf (best writer on the web, IMO, his comedy stuff is hilarious, none of it's on FF.net though. Most of it's no longer on the web, either… _) Anyway, thank you for the nice reviews! *huggles* Your Life In General fic (and your other stuff) is great! I love how Edward acts in it!

RaigekiLeviathan: My fanfic is idolized… wow… I feel so loved! *hugs* Thank you! My fanfic's an idol! I'd get it gold-plated, if I had the bucks! Maybe I could get it covered in chocolate or something. But then no one could read it!

Anonymous Chap. 15 Reviewer: Goku Fart! Jerry! Goku Fart! Jerry! Yay! Thank you!

Spike Highwind: Cowboy Bebop AND FF7? My second fav. Anime and my favorite game all in the same user name? That is so cool! Oh, and thanks for the review, too!

Anonymous Chap. 16 Reviewer: I'm a genius, but I'm not a… er, that kinda genius! I've never (bleep)ed anybody! Sailor Mercury would kill me if I did! ^_^

LOL: Thank you! That's a crazy user name, though! The user name space isn't for comments, ya know! ^_~

SpaceyLilCowgirl: Mushroom Hunting is a cool song! That+ Middle Eastern Countries= instant funny! Let's kick the beat! ^_^ Well, anyway, thanks for the review! Sauteed mushrooms sound pretty good, but I like plain cheese pizza more! That's my fav. Italian food! 

ExperimentEchoX: Now it is possible, because of the sequel! It's people like you who wanted more who are the reason I'm writing it now! Thank you for the inspiration-ness! 

Faye Spiegel: I love Bebop too, I didn't really mean to dis it… actually, it IS a satire, so yeah, I guess I am dissing it! ^_^ Don't huuuuurt me! *waves hands* Glad you liked it, though!

Mowens-05: Thanks! I tried to follow Bebop as well as I could! That way, it's more funnier! More funnier… that makes no sense… oops, grammar mistake! ^_^

NessacusGirl: Welp, you came in late too, but I'm at least glad you were able to find it! Sometimes, finding a fic when it's complete is better than following it from the beginning, since you don't have to wait any for new chappies! Thanks for the nice review! *huggles* And yeah, Meifa and Gabby are both pretty darn tough! While Meifa's got those feng-shui Kamehamehas of hers, Gabby's got the pots and pans! While Meifa's got her level 20 white mage skills, Gabby's got the mad poker skillz! Maybe they should just fight in a lingerie match or something to win Jet's heart… ^_^ And go, Jet! Bash that jabroni Rick with your metal arm of DEATH! ^_^ BTW, sorry about your broken ACL! That must have hurt… even ACL tears put tough football players and pro wrestlers out for months… I wouldn't wish that on anyone! Except for maybe Triple Roids (Triple H) or The Neverjobber (The Undertaker)! ^_^ Hope your surgery goes well!

Anonymous Chap. 26 Reviewer: Last but not least, you, my anonymous reviewer friend! ^_^ Glad you see my fanfic for what it really is, simply the best of the best of the best! You are very, very welcome! And yup, the sequel's gonna rule! Just for you and all the others, here is the official "Cowboy Bebop: The Funnier Sessions" preview! When I finish up with "Looking Up To You", this'll be the very next thing I write! (BTW, the fic will be in the paragraph format, even though the preview's in script.)

---

__

Preview in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…let's jam.

---

*"Go Go Cactus Man" begins to play.*

__

When you need a helping hand…

*cut to an old lady, surrounded by vicious robber thugs*

Old Lady: Help!

  
Thug #1: Gimme your money!

Thug #2: *waves a baseball bat* Or else!

Voice: I wouldn't do that if I were you… 

Old Lady: It's you! *smiles*

__

When you need to be saved from the forces of evil…

Faye Valentine: *bound and gagged* Mmph!

  
Evil Guy: Mwahaha! Now to have my way with-

Voice: The only thing you'll have your way with is my mighty sword of justice, fiend!

Evil Guy: *stares in fear* Oh no!

Faye Valentine: _My hero..._

Or when you just need a guy to lay the unholy smackdown on some roodypoo jabronis…

Syndicate Dude: It's… 

Syndicate Dude 2: The space cowboy!

*A man in a cowboy outfit leaps off of a horse and kicks the two Syndicate dudes in the head with one mighty kick.*

Voice: And that one's for the little underprivileged children in the hospitals in the third-world countries without running water or cable TV!

*The man turns around and looks into the camera. He smiles a trademark smile and gives a thumbs-up. The man… is Cowboy Andy.*

Cowboy Andy: Well, who were you expecting? Spike Spiegel? Don't get your hopes up! He's dead!

__

Coming this Thanksgiving, there's a new protagonist in town… and he's not a stubborn mopey whiner.

*Scene shows Andy and Faye staring down thugs.*

Cowboy Andy: Show me what you've got!

Faye: Ew… you're gay?

Cowboy Andy: Now why would you think something like that, little lady?  
  
Faye: Oh, I wouldn't… *eyes sparkle* dreamy! *facefaults*

Cowboy Andy: Now why does that always happen?

__

Cowboy Bebop: The Funnier Sessions. Featuring Cowboy Andy!

Cowboy Andy: Howdy there. *gives thumbs-up*

__

Faye Valentine!

Faye: *flashes her breasts to the camera* Hey, I'm getting paid for this!

__

Radical Edward!

Ed: *leaps around* Whoo-hoo! Sequel! Sequel!

__

Ein!

Ein: *barks* (I speak dog language!)

__

And… Applederry?

Applederry: World Kickboxing Champ 23 times running! Take that, East St. Louis!

Edward: Uh… that's a city, daddy.

Applederry: Did you say something, Francoise?

__

Cowboy Bebop: The Funnier Sessions. Making teenage girls cry all over again. *gets more dirty looks* With laughter! Whew…

****

Coming This Thanksgiving


End file.
